I haven't posted anything here for some time now. A lot has happened since I last wrote here, but I am not about to bring this blog up to date right now. This post is simply a rant on the subject of jealousy.
Jealousy is one of the original twelve deadly sins, and I have recently been reminded of how destructive it can be.
A very good female friend of mine has fallen for a really nice guy. It has been one of those situations where two people just 'click' and there is instant chemistry. She texted me after their first date to say "I'm in Love". I was thrilled for her, because she so deserves someone to make her happy. She has so much to give, and is such a loveable person, but she has had a lousy last few years, having experienced too much tragedy for any one person. This, I thought, was potentially the start of a new and happier chapter in her life.
Then last night we met for a dinner and a drink, and while sitting in the cool evening air outside her local pub, we talked about love and relationships. Her man - we'll call him Mike - has started asking her where she is and what she is doing. All the time. He seems to be so insecure that he cannot stand not knowing where she is and what she is doing every minute of the day. He was apparently not happy that she was meeting one of her male friends for dinner, for example.
My friend was really sad about this. She, like many people these days, has a number of friends of the opposite sex. She doesn't sleep with them; they are just friends. She values these relationships, and does not want to give up any of them. And why should she? But that seems to be what Mike is expecting her to do.
He appears to not trust her to be faithful, even in the most innocent of situations. If he is so insecure this early in the relationship, she fears that it can only get worse; that she will be, in effect, his exclusive 'property', that she will eventually have no life of her own. And this she will not tolerate. When later on, I told her that I was on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend, she said that in a few months we might be back at the same pub having the same conversation about her relationship. She is that concerned. She is seriously considering ending the relationship if this behaviour continues.
She is an honest and trustworthy person of the highest integrity. And she deserves to be trusted and respected as well as loved. Mike, the tighter you grip, the more she will slip through your fingers.
End of rant.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Reminders
Having dropped Vicky at the station this morning, my thoughts turned almost immediately back to Susie. I wondered if she had gone away for the weekend with her sister as she had planned, and whether she was any less stressed now that we had stopped communicating.
I had, if truth be told, been thinking about her at odd moments all weekend. Even while sitting on the sofa watching tv, my hands caressing Vicky's bare legs, there would be programmes, characters or adverts that would make me think of Susie. The worst time was Saturday when we went to see a movie. Her choice was 'Over Her Dead Body' with Eva Longoria Parker. It was a film that Susie and I wanted to see together. I felt sad that I had gone with the wrong person.
This morning, I checked my emails for the first time since Friday hoping to see a message from her. Nada. I was sorely tempted to send her a message simply saying that I hope she enjoyed the weekend away with her sister. But it’s too soon.
My birthday is coming up later this week. I know she wrote the date in her diary, but I am constantly wondering whether she will send me a card, or even an email. At least that way, I know she still wants to stay in touch. What if she doesn’t though? Do I contact her? No, it’s too soon. But when will it not be too soon? I still can’t forget about her, and although I am slowly coming to realise how she feels about me, I still harbour hopes that one day we will be together.
I had, if truth be told, been thinking about her at odd moments all weekend. Even while sitting on the sofa watching tv, my hands caressing Vicky's bare legs, there would be programmes, characters or adverts that would make me think of Susie. The worst time was Saturday when we went to see a movie. Her choice was 'Over Her Dead Body' with Eva Longoria Parker. It was a film that Susie and I wanted to see together. I felt sad that I had gone with the wrong person.
This morning, I checked my emails for the first time since Friday hoping to see a message from her. Nada. I was sorely tempted to send her a message simply saying that I hope she enjoyed the weekend away with her sister. But it’s too soon.
My birthday is coming up later this week. I know she wrote the date in her diary, but I am constantly wondering whether she will send me a card, or even an email. At least that way, I know she still wants to stay in touch. What if she doesn’t though? Do I contact her? No, it’s too soon. But when will it not be too soon? I still can’t forget about her, and although I am slowly coming to realise how she feels about me, I still harbour hopes that one day we will be together.
Period
It was touch-and-go whether Vicky was going to come for the weekend. Two days beforehand she reported a case of thrush, and then on the day she said her period had started. We both knew that spending an entire weekend together without being able to get physical would be torture, but I encouraged her to come because I did not fancy the idea of spending the weekend on my own thinking about Susie. By the time she arrived, however, the thrush had cleared and I am not averse to a little good clean blood. Then she caught a head cold.
From a health perspective, she probably thinks it was a weekend to forget, but we did have a very enjoyable time on Friday evening, though. We went out shopping on Saturday morning, had lunch and saw a movie in the afternoon followed by another session that night, and another on Sunday morning. Now I need to wash the blood off the towels we laid across the bed.
This morning, her head cold was even worse, and may even be flu, so she was very tempted to spend the day in bed. I suggested she did exactly that, but in the end she decided to go. I took her back to the station this morning and before getting out of the car, she kissed me fiercely. A short time later, a text message arrived
"I'm on the train now, but really do wish I wasn't. It was hard to leave you today."
Around lunch time came this one:
"I'm having the day off after all coz I was feeling so bad. I wish I hadn't come home."
It is certainly nice to be appreciated and... well, loved like that. And it would have been comforting to know that she was waiting for me to come home. But she is still, after all, a virtual stranger and it would also have felt very odd having her all alone in my flat all day.
From a health perspective, she probably thinks it was a weekend to forget, but we did have a very enjoyable time on Friday evening, though. We went out shopping on Saturday morning, had lunch and saw a movie in the afternoon followed by another session that night, and another on Sunday morning. Now I need to wash the blood off the towels we laid across the bed.
This morning, her head cold was even worse, and may even be flu, so she was very tempted to spend the day in bed. I suggested she did exactly that, but in the end she decided to go. I took her back to the station this morning and before getting out of the car, she kissed me fiercely. A short time later, a text message arrived
"I'm on the train now, but really do wish I wasn't. It was hard to leave you today."
Around lunch time came this one:
"I'm having the day off after all coz I was feeling so bad. I wish I hadn't come home."
It is certainly nice to be appreciated and... well, loved like that. And it would have been comforting to know that she was waiting for me to come home. But she is still, after all, a virtual stranger and it would also have felt very odd having her all alone in my flat all day.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Love
I have just found the following quote on another blog, which I will not link to since I don't really want the publicity (and I will have to write explaining that some time soon to).
"The quickest way to receive love is to give it;
the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
the best way to keep love is to give it wings."
Needless to say that I thought instantly of Susie. Perhaps I will put this in an email to her some day.
"The quickest way to receive love is to give it;
the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
the best way to keep love is to give it wings."
Needless to say that I thought instantly of Susie. Perhaps I will put this in an email to her some day.
Submissive
As we so often do, Vicky and I were chatting on IM last night, when she said something really interesting. We were talking about how she is thinking about getting a new job, when at 8:34 p.m. she typed:
To say I was taken aback would be an understatement! Bear in mind that this woman and I have known each other less than a month, we have seen each other twice, although on each occasion it was for an entire weekend. But to come out with something like that so early in a relationship is pretty amazing!
The rest of the conversation went something like this:
"I'm inclined to say Yes, but perhaps you should explain first..."
"Is that something you have done before?"
"but it's a fantasy?"
"and you want to make it come true".
That was not a question.
"you trust me that much?"
"what is it about this that appeals to you?"
I wondered just how seriously she wanted to take this. Was it something that she wanted to try for an hour or two to see if she liked it, or was this a lifestyle choice she was making?
"Hmm. So you would like this to be for a whole day or longer?"
We spent the next hour talking about sexual positions, what turned us on, being tied up, domination, outfits etc. etc. It was Hot!
She likes the idea of bondage, and has twice said that she likes being spanked, but she hasn't mentioned being humiliated or punished in any way. I suspect that she is turned on simply by the idea of being completely submissive, but only in a sexually situation. I don't think her fantasy goes beyond being sexually 'used' but no more than that. It's purely a role-play thing.
We are going to have to work out the boundaries and how it would work before we actually indulge, so we will talk about it this weekend and maybe experiment a little the next time we meet. I am, however, already thinking of scenarios.
"oh by the way can i be your sex slave"
To say I was taken aback would be an understatement! Bear in mind that this woman and I have known each other less than a month, we have seen each other twice, although on each occasion it was for an entire weekend. But to come out with something like that so early in a relationship is pretty amazing!
The rest of the conversation went something like this:
"I'm inclined to say Yes, but perhaps you should explain first..."
"i would like to dress up for you in a sexy outfit (maids?) and be kept to have sex with you anywhere and everywhere you feel like taking me and making me yours!!"
"Is that something you have done before?"
"no"
"but it's a fantasy?"
"yes"
"and you want to make it come true".
That was not a question.
"yep"
"you trust me that much?"
"of course"
"what is it about this that appeals to you?"
"well its a milder form of control and the thought of being kept and fucked by someone i trust whenever is a turn on"
I wondered just how seriously she wanted to take this. Was it something that she wanted to try for an hour or two to see if she liked it, or was this a lifestyle choice she was making?
"Hmm. So you would like this to be for a whole day or longer?"
"day and night would be nice. woken up to find you having your wicked way with me a few times would be lovely"
We spent the next hour talking about sexual positions, what turned us on, being tied up, domination, outfits etc. etc. It was Hot!
She likes the idea of bondage, and has twice said that she likes being spanked, but she hasn't mentioned being humiliated or punished in any way. I suspect that she is turned on simply by the idea of being completely submissive, but only in a sexually situation. I don't think her fantasy goes beyond being sexually 'used' but no more than that. It's purely a role-play thing.
We are going to have to work out the boundaries and how it would work before we actually indulge, so we will talk about it this weekend and maybe experiment a little the next time we meet. I am, however, already thinking of scenarios.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Dirty weekend
When I told Vicky that Susie and I were not going to have a relationship, she said she was relieved as she no longer needed to make the decision as to whether or not to see me. I think she understands that I am gutted about losing Susie, but is so pleased that it has happened that she is catching a train up here to be with me for the weekend.
I considered saying no, but in truth I need her to take my mind off Susie. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to connect on a level other than a sexual one.
I considered saying no, but in truth I need her to take my mind off Susie. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to connect on a level other than a sexual one.
Goodbye. For now?
It became clear over the weekend that Susie has been getting more and more stressed lately.
"You are a serious numpty for falling in love with me in the first place!! Yes, I do think this is stress and I do think that the situation between us is adding to it. You alone are not adding to it, so don't take the blame."
I have (VERY) reluctantly decided to step back and leave her alone. At least for now. I sent this:
"Okay, I get the message. I am terribly sorry for the hurt I am causing you and it is clear that I must back off and leave you alone.
I thought I was close to understanding what stood in the way but I obviously don't. You are so very special to me and I will love you forever. I will always hope that one day I will hear from you again.
In the meantime, I wish you all the happiness that apparently I could not give you.
Yours Till the End"
Her reply:
"Thank you for your messages. I am sorry, but I do need the space. I need to consider my future at the moment and there are too many people making demands on my time and brain.
Stay well
Love, Me x "
I know I will contact her again some day, if she does not contact me first. My problem lies in NOT contacting her now. I still think about her all the time. I have more or less accepted that we are unlikely to ever have the relationship I want, but I have not given up hope entirely.
There is always the possibility that I am one day able to accept her as just a friend, but I know that at the moment if we were to see each other as friends, I would continue asking why we are not lovers. It would push her further away.
I wonder if she will remember my birthday, and whether I will hear from her then. It's only next week, so it's a bit soon, but if I do, I will thank her nicely and stay cool.
God, I miss her, though!!!
"You are a serious numpty for falling in love with me in the first place!! Yes, I do think this is stress and I do think that the situation between us is adding to it. You alone are not adding to it, so don't take the blame."
I have (VERY) reluctantly decided to step back and leave her alone. At least for now. I sent this:
"Okay, I get the message. I am terribly sorry for the hurt I am causing you and it is clear that I must back off and leave you alone.
I thought I was close to understanding what stood in the way but I obviously don't. You are so very special to me and I will love you forever. I will always hope that one day I will hear from you again.
In the meantime, I wish you all the happiness that apparently I could not give you.
Yours Till the End"
Her reply:
"Thank you for your messages. I am sorry, but I do need the space. I need to consider my future at the moment and there are too many people making demands on my time and brain.
Stay well
Love, Me x "
I know I will contact her again some day, if she does not contact me first. My problem lies in NOT contacting her now. I still think about her all the time. I have more or less accepted that we are unlikely to ever have the relationship I want, but I have not given up hope entirely.
There is always the possibility that I am one day able to accept her as just a friend, but I know that at the moment if we were to see each other as friends, I would continue asking why we are not lovers. It would push her further away.
I wonder if she will remember my birthday, and whether I will hear from her then. It's only next week, so it's a bit soon, but if I do, I will thank her nicely and stay cool.
God, I miss her, though!!!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I am in mourning!
I am absolutely gutted! I feel similar to the way I did when my wife said she wanted a divorce, worse than I did when my first love said she was moving on. Susie said she could not go on 'doing this' to me.
First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.
I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"
Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."
We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.
I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?
"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink
"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx
First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.
I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"
Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."
We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.
I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?
"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink
"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Waiting for a decision
It has been 36 hours and she is still thinking about it. To be fair she has emailed to say she has a hangover this morning and she has guests for the weekend, so pergaps not a lot of thinking is going on.
On the other hand she did send me her top ten list of reasons "why you shouldn't like me and why I would make a dreadful partner:"
1. I dunk chocolate in tea
2. I don't like noise first thing in the morning
3. I am very high maintenance when it comes to attention
4. I am very fussy about the way cleaning is done
5. I don't iron very well and I don't really like cooking
6. I have a lot of male friends
7. I have lots of shoes and would probably buy many more
8. I hardly ever watch television
9. I don't like parties
10. I'm not a natural blonde!
Can you see any problem with those? No, I couldn't either. I am cautiously hopeful, but also aware that if she now says No, I could be in for an even bigger let-down.
On the other hand she did send me her top ten list of reasons "why you shouldn't like me and why I would make a dreadful partner:"
1. I dunk chocolate in tea
2. I don't like noise first thing in the morning
3. I am very high maintenance when it comes to attention
4. I am very fussy about the way cleaning is done
5. I don't iron very well and I don't really like cooking
6. I have a lot of male friends
7. I have lots of shoes and would probably buy many more
8. I hardly ever watch television
9. I don't like parties
10. I'm not a natural blonde!
Can you see any problem with those? No, I couldn't either. I am cautiously hopeful, but also aware that if she now says No, I could be in for an even bigger let-down.
Fear and Trepidation
I spent most of Friday in an emotional mess. Susie had told me about her ex leaving his girlfriend, that this time it looked serious. I woke up seriously worried that I had seen the last of her. I felt sad, depressed, lonely.
Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"
I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"
"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"
"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."
I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.
"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"
There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!
Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"
Phew!
Then the inevitable response arrived by email:
"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.
Me x x "
I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.
Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"
"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.
I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "
I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.
Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"
I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"
"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"
"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."
I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.
"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"
There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!
Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"
Phew!
Then the inevitable response arrived by email:
"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.
Me x x "
I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.
Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"
"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.
I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "
I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.
Vicky - The end?
Vicky and I met up on MSN again on Thursday evening - Valentine's day - for a chat. She had received the rose I sent her and was thrilled. Her personal message on MSN had been changed to "Yippee, Valentine's Day is here.". Something in what I was writing to her though, piqued her curiosity and she asked me what was wrong. I am so transparent.
I said it was complicated; too complicated to chat about on MSN. So she called. I told her about Susie and my feelings for her, and as I suspected, Vicky started crying. I felt horrible (not for the first time). I simply hate hurting people, and I seem to keep doing it.
At least she didn't start swearing and calling me names like Becky did (I never did describe our break-up did I? I will have to post about that some time).
The next day, I checked emails to find one from her. It was a long one, filled with questions. What did I feel for her? Was Susie still on the scene? What was I offering her in relationship terms? Could I commit in the future? etc etc.
It took me nearly an hour, but I composed an equally lengthy reply . Basically, I said that I would be happy to have a casual relationship with her, because I could not (yet) commit to a long-term relationship with her. I was not, however, completely honest. I said that, if Susie were to go back to her ex, I would have to try to forget her and move on, and then we could see how far our relationship could develop. In truth, I see no long-term future for us. We are too different. The truth is that the sex is fantastic, and for now, that's enough for me.
I said it was complicated; too complicated to chat about on MSN. So she called. I told her about Susie and my feelings for her, and as I suspected, Vicky started crying. I felt horrible (not for the first time). I simply hate hurting people, and I seem to keep doing it.
At least she didn't start swearing and calling me names like Becky did (I never did describe our break-up did I? I will have to post about that some time).
The next day, I checked emails to find one from her. It was a long one, filled with questions. What did I feel for her? Was Susie still on the scene? What was I offering her in relationship terms? Could I commit in the future? etc etc.
It took me nearly an hour, but I composed an equally lengthy reply . Basically, I said that I would be happy to have a casual relationship with her, because I could not (yet) commit to a long-term relationship with her. I was not, however, completely honest. I said that, if Susie were to go back to her ex, I would have to try to forget her and move on, and then we could see how far our relationship could develop. In truth, I see no long-term future for us. We are too different. The truth is that the sex is fantastic, and for now, that's enough for me.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I have sent a single red rose to Vicky and another to Susie. The messages, however, are completely different.
To Vicky I sent "Happy Valentines Day - our first!" with kisses.
To Susie I sent "I will Love You Till The End" - a reference to 'our' song, the Pogues tune that was the theme to the movie 'P.S. I love you' which was the last film we saw together on our last date.
But it's Valentine's day and I am alone.
That's not all that unusual. I'm sure there are millions of people out there who are home alone tonight. But how many of them are in love with someone? And how many have someone who apparently loves them?
Well, I have both, and I am still alone. Go figure!
The woman I love is spending the evening with her best friend - a fireman no less. And the woman who apparently is falling for me is at her home 80 miles away. It's just too inconvenient to see her for a single evening. So as I write this we are having a conversation on Live Messenger. How sad is that?
I have decided that, before Vicky and I go any further, I need to tell her about my feelings for Susie. It wouldn't be fair not to.
To Vicky I sent "Happy Valentines Day - our first!" with kisses.
To Susie I sent "I will Love You Till The End" - a reference to 'our' song, the Pogues tune that was the theme to the movie 'P.S. I love you' which was the last film we saw together on our last date.
But it's Valentine's day and I am alone.
That's not all that unusual. I'm sure there are millions of people out there who are home alone tonight. But how many of them are in love with someone? And how many have someone who apparently loves them?
Well, I have both, and I am still alone. Go figure!
The woman I love is spending the evening with her best friend - a fireman no less. And the woman who apparently is falling for me is at her home 80 miles away. It's just too inconvenient to see her for a single evening. So as I write this we are having a conversation on Live Messenger. How sad is that?
I have decided that, before Vicky and I go any further, I need to tell her about my feelings for Susie. It wouldn't be fair not to.
Letter to Susie
My darling Susie,
I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.
I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.
Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.
How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?
My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!
I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.
I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.
I will Love You Till The End
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.
I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.
Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.
How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?
My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!
I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.
I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.
I will Love You Till The End
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Telephone relationship
Susie and I spoke on the phone again this evening. It seems I got my wish. She did plan to go to France with A, her ex-lover, but said that the opportunity to go away with him has now passed. They have spent some time together and he is, apparently, more attentive, more caring. And I am more jealous.... He has still not left his long-term girlfriend, however. So there is hope.
I said that, because she still loves him and is still contemplating a relationship with him, even if she and I were together, I was worried that the two of them would have an affair - why not, she's done it before? She said adamantly that she would not do that once she made the decision to commit to another relationship.
However, in contrast to her earlier statement, she is now not sure she wants a relationship at all, because she says, she is afraid of getting hurt. Considering that, while speaking to a friend recently, she referred to me as "perfect husband material", you can understand my confusion as to why she would not want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.
She is clearly very confused. I keep wanting to try to clear things up whenever I talk to her, but it just makes things worse. I keep wanting to convince her that a relationship with me would be right, but the more I try, the more I feel I am making things worse. In this, I am my own worst enemy. If I am not careful, I will drive her away for ever. I couldn't bear that.
This is becoming really difficult. Not that it wasn't before; it's just that I cannot confidently see a resolution that I will be happy with. I don't see our relationship progressing. Despite all the wonderful things she says and the apparent logic of us being together, her feelings cannot be denied, and I have no idea how long I may have to wait. That, I suppose, is why she suggested we stop seeing each other in the first place.
I said that, because she still loves him and is still contemplating a relationship with him, even if she and I were together, I was worried that the two of them would have an affair - why not, she's done it before? She said adamantly that she would not do that once she made the decision to commit to another relationship.
However, in contrast to her earlier statement, she is now not sure she wants a relationship at all, because she says, she is afraid of getting hurt. Considering that, while speaking to a friend recently, she referred to me as "perfect husband material", you can understand my confusion as to why she would not want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.
She is clearly very confused. I keep wanting to try to clear things up whenever I talk to her, but it just makes things worse. I keep wanting to convince her that a relationship with me would be right, but the more I try, the more I feel I am making things worse. In this, I am my own worst enemy. If I am not careful, I will drive her away for ever. I couldn't bear that.
This is becoming really difficult. Not that it wasn't before; it's just that I cannot confidently see a resolution that I will be happy with. I don't see our relationship progressing. Despite all the wonderful things she says and the apparent logic of us being together, her feelings cannot be denied, and I have no idea how long I may have to wait. That, I suppose, is why she suggested we stop seeing each other in the first place.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Vicky - second date
After work on Friday, I drove down to the coast to see Vicky. I checked into a Premier Inn and then went to meet her after work. Knowing I was coming, she had changed into a deep-cut blouse, very short skirt and hold-up stockings.
We got back to the hotel and it wasn't long before I discovered that she was wearing nothing beneath the skirt! We wasted no time getting naked.
The next morning, I woke her up with a finger along her slit, and when she started pushing back towards me, I guided my cock inside her and we had sex for the second time that weekend.
Later, after a full English breakfast, we went out to the dockside and walked around the shops, bars and restaurants for a while. We stopped for tea and cake and then walked some more. It was a beautiful late-winter day, with clear blue skies and the gentlest of sea breezes.
At lunchtime, we went back to the hotel.
"Would you like to have a quick nap or make love?" I asked.
"Both."
Afterwards, lying spoon-fashion, she clutched my hand to her breast and said,
"I've never done that before."
"Done what?"
"Made love"
Since she had two sons, that didn't make sense, so I said nothing.
"I have had loads of sex," she said, "but I have never made love. But that's what we do."
I had no idea what to say to that.
We slept until five, then went out to the local shopping centre for dinner and a movie. We discovered possibly the most delightful Italian restaurant I have ever been to. A delicious Chianti accompanied some divine Scalopini di Vitella for me and a delicate Sea Bream for Vicky. Our hunger sated, we went into the cinema to see the second in the 'National Treasure' series. It was pretty good, but if you've seen the first, it offers nothing new.
Back to the hotel again, we had no sooner closed the room door than we were again in each others arms. Session 3 of the day.
This morning, after what felt like a restless night, I awoke to find Vicky stroking my cock erect. It didn't take more than a few seconds and she slid on top of me. Guiding my cock inside her, she sat astride me and rocked her hips. I was so deep inside her, I could feel the tip of my glans nudging up against her cervix. In a few minutes she was groaning in orgasm, and she collapsed on top of me.
It wasn't long before she was moving her hips again, and gently sliding up and down my shaft. This time I was astonished to feel a splash of warm fluid flow down the underside of my penis, down the crack of my bum-cheeks and soak into the bed sheets. I have never met anyone who could do that before!
I left before lunchtime and took the scenic route home. It gave me time to think. I had, as on the first occasion, spent a lot of time thinking not of Vicky, but of Susie - on one occasion while fucking Vicky! I frequently wondered what Susie was doing, or wished that she was the one beside me (or outside me).
Vicky and I are talking about getting together again in a fortnight. This time, she will come to stay with me. But no sooner had I dropped her at home than I realised that this may be the last time we would see each other. I even began to rehearse how I would tell her. Of course, it depends on what Susie says when we meet, and I hope we can meet up before then. Vicky is very sexy, by her own admission "a little nympho" and we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship. Take away the sex, and there is precious little there.
I should break up with her. It's not fair on her to expect a long-term relationship if I know that's not going to happen. I also cannot go on feeling guilty about being with her when I know it's Susie I want to be with. On the other hand the sex is great and even if Susie does not want a relationship right now, I need the emotional and physical stimulation of a relationship. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I am wonderful and to make plans with.
But what I really want of course, is for Susie to tell me that she is ready for a relationship with me. That would solve everything.
We got back to the hotel and it wasn't long before I discovered that she was wearing nothing beneath the skirt! We wasted no time getting naked.
The next morning, I woke her up with a finger along her slit, and when she started pushing back towards me, I guided my cock inside her and we had sex for the second time that weekend.
Later, after a full English breakfast, we went out to the dockside and walked around the shops, bars and restaurants for a while. We stopped for tea and cake and then walked some more. It was a beautiful late-winter day, with clear blue skies and the gentlest of sea breezes.
At lunchtime, we went back to the hotel.
"Would you like to have a quick nap or make love?" I asked.
"Both."
Afterwards, lying spoon-fashion, she clutched my hand to her breast and said,
"I've never done that before."
"Done what?"
"Made love"
Since she had two sons, that didn't make sense, so I said nothing.
"I have had loads of sex," she said, "but I have never made love. But that's what we do."
I had no idea what to say to that.
We slept until five, then went out to the local shopping centre for dinner and a movie. We discovered possibly the most delightful Italian restaurant I have ever been to. A delicious Chianti accompanied some divine Scalopini di Vitella for me and a delicate Sea Bream for Vicky. Our hunger sated, we went into the cinema to see the second in the 'National Treasure' series. It was pretty good, but if you've seen the first, it offers nothing new.
Back to the hotel again, we had no sooner closed the room door than we were again in each others arms. Session 3 of the day.
This morning, after what felt like a restless night, I awoke to find Vicky stroking my cock erect. It didn't take more than a few seconds and she slid on top of me. Guiding my cock inside her, she sat astride me and rocked her hips. I was so deep inside her, I could feel the tip of my glans nudging up against her cervix. In a few minutes she was groaning in orgasm, and she collapsed on top of me.
It wasn't long before she was moving her hips again, and gently sliding up and down my shaft. This time I was astonished to feel a splash of warm fluid flow down the underside of my penis, down the crack of my bum-cheeks and soak into the bed sheets. I have never met anyone who could do that before!
I left before lunchtime and took the scenic route home. It gave me time to think. I had, as on the first occasion, spent a lot of time thinking not of Vicky, but of Susie - on one occasion while fucking Vicky! I frequently wondered what Susie was doing, or wished that she was the one beside me (or outside me).
Vicky and I are talking about getting together again in a fortnight. This time, she will come to stay with me. But no sooner had I dropped her at home than I realised that this may be the last time we would see each other. I even began to rehearse how I would tell her. Of course, it depends on what Susie says when we meet, and I hope we can meet up before then. Vicky is very sexy, by her own admission "a little nympho" and we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship. Take away the sex, and there is precious little there.
I should break up with her. It's not fair on her to expect a long-term relationship if I know that's not going to happen. I also cannot go on feeling guilty about being with her when I know it's Susie I want to be with. On the other hand the sex is great and even if Susie does not want a relationship right now, I need the emotional and physical stimulation of a relationship. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I am wonderful and to make plans with.
But what I really want of course, is for Susie to tell me that she is ready for a relationship with me. That would solve everything.
Susie - relationship update
After the phone conversation a few days ago, Susie sent me a text message the next morning:
A very enigmatic message. I am torn between two points of view:
1) She loves me in the same way I love her, just not as intensely. Her feelings for me are clouded but her feelings for her ex - the love of her life.
2) She really does love me as just a friend. I believe this one less, but it's a possibility.
I suspect that she is going on holiday next week with A, her ex, although she has not said so in so many words; and of course I have not asked. I am definitely feeling jealous, but in a way, I want her to spend time with him in the hope that it will convince her that nothing has changed between them, and that I can offer her the relationship she really wants.
"I do love you. I don't think we love each other in the same way but I love you."
A very enigmatic message. I am torn between two points of view:
1) She loves me in the same way I love her, just not as intensely. Her feelings for me are clouded but her feelings for her ex - the love of her life.
2) She really does love me as just a friend. I believe this one less, but it's a possibility.
I suspect that she is going on holiday next week with A, her ex, although she has not said so in so many words; and of course I have not asked. I am definitely feeling jealous, but in a way, I want her to spend time with him in the hope that it will convince her that nothing has changed between them, and that I can offer her the relationship she really wants.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
First and Last date
First dates can be very revealing. First impressions are vitally important, and exchanging emails doesn't count. It's when you sit across a table from someone for the first time that you first really understand whether there is any chemistry or not.
On Tuesday I had a first date with P. No chemistry on either side I don't think. She is probably too busy to have a relationship, and she is not sure she even wants one anyway. I can so do better!
On Tuesday I had a first date with P. No chemistry on either side I don't think. She is probably too busy to have a relationship, and she is not sure she even wants one anyway. I can so do better!
Resolving issues?
Susie and I spoke for a good half hour last night, and again this evening. They were real heart-to-heart sessions about our genuine feelings, and I have learned a few things:
1) She is still in love with her ex-lover, A. A few years ago she aborted his child because he wouldn't give up his partner for her. He is still with his partner but again wants to spend time with Susie. Despite her feelings, she believes nothing has changed.
2) She believes that, all else being equal, she and I could have a relationship. I am apparently "saying all the right things", I am "really lovely" and she thinks we could have a wonderful relationship and be really happy. BUT! There is something in her heart that she cannot at present explain that is telling her not to. That is why she has occasionally suggested I move on.
3) She wants to have a relationship. She likes being in one and does not want to be single.
4) I now believe that this 'something' is A. I believe that she needs to resolve this issue with him, and determine for herself whether that is what has been holding her back.
There is a chance, obviously, that she decides he is now serious about wanting to get back together, he dumps his long-term partner, as he has been threatening to do for years, and the two of them get together.
There is, I hope, an equal chance that something will happen to make her fall out of love with him, if that's possible. Or at least decide that a relationship with him cannot work - that he cannot give her what she wants - and she will then choose me.
Although she is planning to go away next week, she has promised to contact me again by Sunday, and promised that we will get together for a face-to-face discussion when she gets back. I look forward to it.
1) She is still in love with her ex-lover, A. A few years ago she aborted his child because he wouldn't give up his partner for her. He is still with his partner but again wants to spend time with Susie. Despite her feelings, she believes nothing has changed.
2) She believes that, all else being equal, she and I could have a relationship. I am apparently "saying all the right things", I am "really lovely" and she thinks we could have a wonderful relationship and be really happy. BUT! There is something in her heart that she cannot at present explain that is telling her not to. That is why she has occasionally suggested I move on.
3) She wants to have a relationship. She likes being in one and does not want to be single.
4) I now believe that this 'something' is A. I believe that she needs to resolve this issue with him, and determine for herself whether that is what has been holding her back.
There is a chance, obviously, that she decides he is now serious about wanting to get back together, he dumps his long-term partner, as he has been threatening to do for years, and the two of them get together.
There is, I hope, an equal chance that something will happen to make her fall out of love with him, if that's possible. Or at least decide that a relationship with him cannot work - that he cannot give her what she wants - and she will then choose me.
Although she is planning to go away next week, she has promised to contact me again by Sunday, and promised that we will get together for a face-to-face discussion when she gets back. I look forward to it.
Friday, February 01, 2008
First date with Vicky
On Thursday morning, I got a text from Vicky saying that she was off work for the day. It didn't take me long to agree to go meet her.
Taking a change of clothes and some toiletries - just in case - I drove straight from work. On the way there she sent me a text message saying she was cooking me dinner! I, of course, had assumed we were going out to dinner, but I thought it was sweet. When I arrived, she was waiting on the stairs. She jumped up, threw her arms around me and gave me a hug and a lingering kiss. What an introduction!
She invited me in, offered me some wine, and got dinner on. Bangers and mash. Then it all went badly wrong!
She introduced me to her son. He is 24, unemployed, unshaven, unkempt, and got very excited when someone accepted him as a friend on Facebook. She lives in a one-bedroom council flat, her son sleeping on the sofa-bed in the lounge. Like me, she has no dining table so we ate off of lap trays. Her son put on an old Jim Davidson DVD and we spent the next hour with the pantomime Sinderella (misspelled deliberately)! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little comedy, even lewd comedy, but this was lewd 1980's comedy. It was embarrassing! Some first date this was turning out to be!
I offered to help with the dishes and as soon as the drying was finished, we were snogging against the kitchen sink. She groaned and lifted one jeans-clad leg against my thigh. She wanted me. Badly. Someone who lusts after you that much quickly becomes much more attractive!
I told her that I was staying in a hotel for the night to avoid a long and late drive home. She suggested I stay there with her, but the thought of trying to keep quiet while her son was in the next room was a major turn-off. So I invited her to come with me.
"Will you still respect me in the morning?" she asked.
I laughed and kissed her again, but said nothing. I had no idea what I would feel in the morning.
We spent the night in a Travel Lodge.
Taking a change of clothes and some toiletries - just in case - I drove straight from work. On the way there she sent me a text message saying she was cooking me dinner! I, of course, had assumed we were going out to dinner, but I thought it was sweet. When I arrived, she was waiting on the stairs. She jumped up, threw her arms around me and gave me a hug and a lingering kiss. What an introduction!
She invited me in, offered me some wine, and got dinner on. Bangers and mash. Then it all went badly wrong!
She introduced me to her son. He is 24, unemployed, unshaven, unkempt, and got very excited when someone accepted him as a friend on Facebook. She lives in a one-bedroom council flat, her son sleeping on the sofa-bed in the lounge. Like me, she has no dining table so we ate off of lap trays. Her son put on an old Jim Davidson DVD and we spent the next hour with the pantomime Sinderella (misspelled deliberately)! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little comedy, even lewd comedy, but this was lewd 1980's comedy. It was embarrassing! Some first date this was turning out to be!
I offered to help with the dishes and as soon as the drying was finished, we were snogging against the kitchen sink. She groaned and lifted one jeans-clad leg against my thigh. She wanted me. Badly. Someone who lusts after you that much quickly becomes much more attractive!
I told her that I was staying in a hotel for the night to avoid a long and late drive home. She suggested I stay there with her, but the thought of trying to keep quiet while her son was in the next room was a major turn-off. So I invited her to come with me.
"Will you still respect me in the morning?" she asked.
I laughed and kissed her again, but said nothing. I had no idea what I would feel in the morning.
We spent the night in a Travel Lodge.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Invitations
Vicky and I chatted on MSN again last night. Curiously, although we both have each other's phone numbers, we have yet to hear each other's voices. The impact of technology, eh!
Considering the fact that we first got in contact only a few days ago, and we really don't know each other yet, our conversations are getting increasingly personal. We talked about wanting to meet up sooner rather than later (we are both desperate to meet in person), about public displays of affection, and about stroking and kissing. I invited her out to a lovely restaurant near me, but said the problem was it was too far to take her home again afterwards. She replied that it would have to wait until she could spend the night! Then, towards the end of our conversation, she said she would love it if I drove all the way to see her just to spend a day in her bed.
We shouldn't be this forward with each other yet, surely?!
I really hope that she does not turns out to be disappointing in the flesh. I think. I will be very disappointed if I don't like her or I'm not attracted to her. But on the other hand, I don't want to get too involved with someone when there's still a chance that Susie and I could get together.
Yesterday she sent me her private phone number and her home address. Out of the blue. For no other reason than that she was giving me another level of trust. She said. Why now, I wondered? Is this the precursor to an invitation? She recently said that she needs more time before we meet up again. But she also said that my meeting other women made her slightly jealous.
I told Vicky that, despite how fast this was going, we should just "go with the flow" and see how things went. It's almost inevitable that, in the next week or two we will end up naked together. I am looking forward to that, but I don't think I should tell Susie. I don't want to hurt her. But if that was true, I wouldn't be planning to sleep with someone else in the first place, would I? Oh God, I am such a mess!
And just to make matters even worse, someone I have been trying to go out with for months finally said she was 'less busy' now and could find time to meet me. I know I shouldn't have, but we have made a date for Tuesday.
Considering the fact that we first got in contact only a few days ago, and we really don't know each other yet, our conversations are getting increasingly personal. We talked about wanting to meet up sooner rather than later (we are both desperate to meet in person), about public displays of affection, and about stroking and kissing. I invited her out to a lovely restaurant near me, but said the problem was it was too far to take her home again afterwards. She replied that it would have to wait until she could spend the night! Then, towards the end of our conversation, she said she would love it if I drove all the way to see her just to spend a day in her bed.
We shouldn't be this forward with each other yet, surely?!
I really hope that she does not turns out to be disappointing in the flesh. I think. I will be very disappointed if I don't like her or I'm not attracted to her. But on the other hand, I don't want to get too involved with someone when there's still a chance that Susie and I could get together.
Yesterday she sent me her private phone number and her home address. Out of the blue. For no other reason than that she was giving me another level of trust. She said. Why now, I wondered? Is this the precursor to an invitation? She recently said that she needs more time before we meet up again. But she also said that my meeting other women made her slightly jealous.
I told Vicky that, despite how fast this was going, we should just "go with the flow" and see how things went. It's almost inevitable that, in the next week or two we will end up naked together. I am looking forward to that, but I don't think I should tell Susie. I don't want to hurt her. But if that was true, I wouldn't be planning to sleep with someone else in the first place, would I? Oh God, I am such a mess!
And just to make matters even worse, someone I have been trying to go out with for months finally said she was 'less busy' now and could find time to meet me. I know I shouldn't have, but we have made a date for Tuesday.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I can't win!
I emailed Susie to ask about her weekend, and to tell her what I had been doing (buying a new sofa). Then I casually mentioned that I had met someone online, and that we had agreed to meet up in a couple of weeks. Her response shocked me a little.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but I felt a slight twinge of jealousy about your new date. But I sincerely wish you the best. Let me know."
So let's see, either I feel guilty for seeing other women and make Susie jealous in the process, or I don't and make her 'uncomfortable' that I am waiting for her! I can't win!
But I am delighted that she is admitting to having more feelings for me than perhaps even she expected. I still don't think she is ready for a relationship yet, but I am not entirely sure how to deal with this situation. I don't want to confront Susie about it; that will just push her further away. I also don't want to make her feel jealous or uncomfortable. So what do I do? See other women, but lie about it??
It is becoming clear to me, though, that this is not making either of us truly happy.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but I felt a slight twinge of jealousy about your new date. But I sincerely wish you the best. Let me know."
So let's see, either I feel guilty for seeing other women and make Susie jealous in the process, or I don't and make her 'uncomfortable' that I am waiting for her! I can't win!
But I am delighted that she is admitting to having more feelings for me than perhaps even she expected. I still don't think she is ready for a relationship yet, but I am not entirely sure how to deal with this situation. I don't want to confront Susie about it; that will just push her further away. I also don't want to make her feel jealous or uncomfortable. So what do I do? See other women, but lie about it??
It is becoming clear to me, though, that this is not making either of us truly happy.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Meeting Vicky on MSN
I tweaked my online profile over the weekend, and whatever I did it had a pronounced effect. I was contacted by three separate women, all in one day.
One lived way too far away, and she was a pet lover - instant deal-breaker. The second added me as one of her favourites, but didn't respond when I emailed her. The third, however was a different story.
Vicky's profile was promising. She is a non-smoker, social drinker, is the right age, has two grown-up kids, and likes my profile. That always helps, doesn't it? We exchanged emails in quick succession because we were both online at the same time, and soon progressed to MSN. That was at about nine-ish in the evening, and the next time I looked at the clock it was nearly midnight! The last time I had got so carried away was my first date with Susie. Interestingly, she kept switching her MSN photos, and the others all showed her in a more flattering light than the one on her dating site profile.
To my amazement, Vicky was very complimentary, saying that she was considering deleting her profile when my picture showed up. She clicked it and up came my profile and she decided to get in touch. She called me 'gorgeous' and 'delicious'. I think she should have gone to Specsavers. When we started talking about meeting face-to-face, I asked if she fancied coffee, a drink or should we go the whole hog and do dinner. Her reply was to ask if we should make a day of it!! Here's a girl who knows what she wants.
I am seriously flattered; who wouldn't be. In at least one of her photos she looks very attractive, and (at least online) we get along very well indeed. She has a good sense of humour, she's not backward in coming forward if you know what I mean, and we both can't wait to meet for real.
The downsides are that she lives about 80 miles away and she doesn't drive! She also works shifts so for two weeks at a time (starting today for instance), she works nights. But we chatted on MSN again last night and talked at length about meeting up. We have arranged to meet in two weeks time for a picnic, some sight-seeing, maybe dinner. Who knows how it will turn out but I am looking forward to it.
There is every chance that this could turn into a 'proper' relationship. One with lots of kisses and cuddles and some urgent, desperate sex. It has every chance of turning into the relationship I have been looking for. So why do I feel guilty about it?
One lived way too far away, and she was a pet lover - instant deal-breaker. The second added me as one of her favourites, but didn't respond when I emailed her. The third, however was a different story.
Vicky's profile was promising. She is a non-smoker, social drinker, is the right age, has two grown-up kids, and likes my profile. That always helps, doesn't it? We exchanged emails in quick succession because we were both online at the same time, and soon progressed to MSN. That was at about nine-ish in the evening, and the next time I looked at the clock it was nearly midnight! The last time I had got so carried away was my first date with Susie. Interestingly, she kept switching her MSN photos, and the others all showed her in a more flattering light than the one on her dating site profile.
To my amazement, Vicky was very complimentary, saying that she was considering deleting her profile when my picture showed up. She clicked it and up came my profile and she decided to get in touch. She called me 'gorgeous' and 'delicious'. I think she should have gone to Specsavers. When we started talking about meeting face-to-face, I asked if she fancied coffee, a drink or should we go the whole hog and do dinner. Her reply was to ask if we should make a day of it!! Here's a girl who knows what she wants.
I am seriously flattered; who wouldn't be. In at least one of her photos she looks very attractive, and (at least online) we get along very well indeed. She has a good sense of humour, she's not backward in coming forward if you know what I mean, and we both can't wait to meet for real.
The downsides are that she lives about 80 miles away and she doesn't drive! She also works shifts so for two weeks at a time (starting today for instance), she works nights. But we chatted on MSN again last night and talked at length about meeting up. We have arranged to meet in two weeks time for a picnic, some sight-seeing, maybe dinner. Who knows how it will turn out but I am looking forward to it.
There is every chance that this could turn into a 'proper' relationship. One with lots of kisses and cuddles and some urgent, desperate sex. It has every chance of turning into the relationship I have been looking for. So why do I feel guilty about it?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Trying to move on
The ex-colleague I emailed earlier in the week is out of the country at the moment, but should be back "in a few weeks". She did say that she would like to get together for a drink when she gets back to the UK, so that story will have to go on hold for now.
In the meantime, while I have been brooding over the loss of Susie, I received a message on the dating site from someone I have exchanged emails with for about 3 months. She has always been "too busy" to meet, but now, out of the blue, I get a message asking if we can meet. I said yes, and asked her to name the time and place. Check back later.
I have to try to move on.
In the meantime, while I have been brooding over the loss of Susie, I received a message on the dating site from someone I have exchanged emails with for about 3 months. She has always been "too busy" to meet, but now, out of the blue, I get a message asking if we can meet. I said yes, and asked her to name the time and place. Check back later.
I have to try to move on.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Horny?
Earlier today I felt strangely horny. Strangely, because I haven't felt this way for almost a week.
So when I got home, I took out a porn movie and some lubricant and took them into the lounge for later. And now it is later, and I am no longer horny.
I am off to bed.
To sleep.
Alone.
(Sigh)
So when I got home, I took out a porn movie and some lubricant and took them into the lounge for later. And now it is later, and I am no longer horny.
I am off to bed.
To sleep.
Alone.
(Sigh)
Craving affection
What is it about us - well, some of us anyway - that makes us crave affection?
While I was seeing Susie, I didn't really think about seeing anyone else. At one point, she suggested that I see other people, but I, of course, didn't want to. But today I tried to contact an ex-colleague to see if she fancied a drink.
Let's see how I feel when I am with someone else.... if she replies at all.
While I was seeing Susie, I didn't really think about seeing anyone else. At one point, she suggested that I see other people, but I, of course, didn't want to. But today I tried to contact an ex-colleague to see if she fancied a drink.
Let's see how I feel when I am with someone else.... if she replies at all.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Music for the road
Here's a little tip:
When you drive 560 miles in two days, you have a lot of time to think. So you listen to music right? What do you listen to when you don't want to spend too much time thinking about the perfect woman who doesn't love you?
NOT GARY MOORE!
"I'm always gonna love you,
if loving means forever.
I'm always gonna want you.
I don't think I could ever
just forget the love we had."
"When he's alone, she's never there to see him
crying in the shadows
of a love he used to know,
but now it's all over."
etc, etc, etc.
Fantastic music, but Man, he can be depressing!
When you drive 560 miles in two days, you have a lot of time to think. So you listen to music right? What do you listen to when you don't want to spend too much time thinking about the perfect woman who doesn't love you?
NOT GARY MOORE!
"I'm always gonna love you,
if loving means forever.
I'm always gonna want you.
I don't think I could ever
just forget the love we had."
"When he's alone, she's never there to see him
crying in the shadows
of a love he used to know,
but now it's all over."
etc, etc, etc.
Fantastic music, but Man, he can be depressing!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Heartbroken
I have been getting mixed messages from Susie for ages, virtually since day 1. Although our relationship has been growing steadily and we have slowly been getting closer, she has on various occasions mentioned that she could not see us having a relationship.
Then yesterday, she asked if we should take a break. I panicked and laid out the options as I saw them :
*) Carry on as we were
*) Just be friends
*) Take a break and don't see each other for a while
*) Stop seeing each other completely
*) Jump into bed together and see what happens.
Contrary to what you might think, I suggested the first option. As I saw it, it left all options open and left me with the chance of salvaging the relationship. It also left her with an undiminished level of confusion.
She chose option 4, and said we should not see each other any more. I was completely devastated! The woman I love so much was breaking up with me. I have been a complete idiot! I have cocked up a relationship with limitless potential by putting too much pressure on her. I feel so stupid!!
My only faint ray of hope is that she finished off her email to me with:
"Maybe we can talk in a day or two if that is helpful."
I wonder whether all she really wants is some space. To think without pressure from me. If I thought it would do any good, I would pray that she contacts me again. I daren't contact her. At least not yet.
Then yesterday, she asked if we should take a break. I panicked and laid out the options as I saw them :
*) Carry on as we were
*) Just be friends
*) Take a break and don't see each other for a while
*) Stop seeing each other completely
*) Jump into bed together and see what happens.
Contrary to what you might think, I suggested the first option. As I saw it, it left all options open and left me with the chance of salvaging the relationship. It also left her with an undiminished level of confusion.
She chose option 4, and said we should not see each other any more. I was completely devastated! The woman I love so much was breaking up with me. I have been a complete idiot! I have cocked up a relationship with limitless potential by putting too much pressure on her. I feel so stupid!!
My only faint ray of hope is that she finished off her email to me with:
"Maybe we can talk in a day or two if that is helpful."
I wonder whether all she really wants is some space. To think without pressure from me. If I thought it would do any good, I would pray that she contacts me again. I daren't contact her. At least not yet.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Ten things I most want to do with Susie
These are the ten experiences I would most like to share with the woman I love, in order. This list is subject to alteration without notice. Not all are entirely feasible, but hey!
10) A private dinner at the finest restaurant I can find, dressed to the nines.
9) Stay up all night talking and listening to music, then watching the sun rise.
8) Be introduced to her friends as her 'boyfriend'.
7) Attend the party celebrating the launch of her book.
6) Stroll hand-in hand along a deserted tropical beach at sunset, barefoot.
5) Watch her choice of porn movie together.
4) Buy a holiday home in Tuscany together.
3) Go skinny-dipping in a hotel swimming pool at midnight.
2) Scrub her body all over with a loofah.
1) Make love in Amsterdam under the influence of cannabis.
10) A private dinner at the finest restaurant I can find, dressed to the nines.
9) Stay up all night talking and listening to music, then watching the sun rise.
8) Be introduced to her friends as her 'boyfriend'.
7) Attend the party celebrating the launch of her book.
6) Stroll hand-in hand along a deserted tropical beach at sunset, barefoot.
5) Watch her choice of porn movie together.
4) Buy a holiday home in Tuscany together.
3) Go skinny-dipping in a hotel swimming pool at midnight.
2) Scrub her body all over with a loofah.
1) Make love in Amsterdam under the influence of cannabis.
Thinking about it
I spoke to V today, and found out why she hasn't been speaking to me recently.
After getting no reply from her mobile, then having my calls rejected, I called her home number, which she may have forgotten I had. Co-incidentally, she had just sent me an email, which explained that she no longer thought I was a suitable guy for her. It relates to our conversation last week, during which I told her some of the things Mary and I got up to during our time together. V spent two days thinking about it, then decided that she didn't want to be involved with someone who had once been a swinger, and did things he's not proud of.
Ironically, I told her all this because I wanted to be honest with her, and I specifically mentioned that I no longer wanted that lifestyle. Perhaps she missed that last part or didn't believe it.
Anyway, today I reminded her of this, and asked only that she take 24 hours to think about it. I await her response. I am trying to think about how I will feel if she does not change her mind. A key factor is that I have believed that our relationship has been over since Thursday, so I have had time to consider it. My conclusion is that :
1) Although she is a lovely person and I enjoy spending time with her, I do not love her, and don't think I ever will.
2) My heart belongs to Susie.
After getting no reply from her mobile, then having my calls rejected, I called her home number, which she may have forgotten I had. Co-incidentally, she had just sent me an email, which explained that she no longer thought I was a suitable guy for her. It relates to our conversation last week, during which I told her some of the things Mary and I got up to during our time together. V spent two days thinking about it, then decided that she didn't want to be involved with someone who had once been a swinger, and did things he's not proud of.
Ironically, I told her all this because I wanted to be honest with her, and I specifically mentioned that I no longer wanted that lifestyle. Perhaps she missed that last part or didn't believe it.
Anyway, today I reminded her of this, and asked only that she take 24 hours to think about it. I await her response. I am trying to think about how I will feel if she does not change her mind. A key factor is that I have believed that our relationship has been over since Thursday, so I have had time to consider it. My conclusion is that :
1) Although she is a lovely person and I enjoy spending time with her, I do not love her, and don't think I ever will.
2) My heart belongs to Susie.
Of dildos and threesomes
Yesterday Susie and I had lunch together at Bluewater. Over pannini and tea, I told her about V and about Sue, and she told me about her sister's relationship problems. Then we walked around and did a little shopping. Flicking through a free magazine, we looked longingly at an article on romantic getaways. Looking solely at the photographs of the destinations, Susie picked her favourites in order. Amazingly, they coincided almost perfectly with mine. For a moment, I allowed myself to dream of walking hand in hand with her along a sandy beach at sunset, and my heart soared. I desperately wanted to hug her.
We left the shop, and strolled around and talked of other things. Things of a more sexual nature. She mentioned buying some new toys since she has been single, and when pressed she told me about her favourite - the little beauty pictured above.
She had already bought tickets to see St Trinians, but as we were still a little early, we stopped off for a drink, and the conversation continued along a sexual theme. She revealed some intensely personal details, including how long it has been since she has had sex, and that she has been enjoying a lot of 'solo action'. I was so turned on, and worried that I was putting her off. I was relieved when she reached out to hold my hand. At that point, I could almost have cried. As I told her, there is a fair-sized gap between friends and lovers, and I am not sure where we are within that gap. Are we more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend? Where lies the boundary of what behaviour is acceptable without 'crossing the line'? She had no answer. I think we are going to have to sort that out over time.
The film was hilarious. We laughed a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. Equally enjoyable for me was that she linked her arm through mine or rested her hand on my arm throughout. When it was over, she stopped at the foot of the stairs, and, as the credits were rolling, she asked:
"So who did you fancy the most?"
For half a second I was shocked, then lost for words, and finally I scratched around for who had made the biggest impression on me. I couldn't remember the name of the character or the actress, but I described Celia, played by Juno Temple, who has a very low-key role but she is very attractive.
We walked towards the car park and separated with the briefest of kiss and a more intimate hug. Again, I didn't want to let her go. I had not even got out to the motorway before my phone rang. I looked down and saw Susie's picture.
"Hello!"
"Hi," she said. "I just wanted to say that for me, it's Kelly."
I laughed out loud, and drove home in a state of sheer bliss.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Un-loved
What does it mean when the woman you have been dating for about 6 weeks, and sleeping with for about 4, suddenly stops answering your text messages?
After our encounter on Monday night, we exchanged texts on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday lunchtime. Since then, nothing. I sent her three text messages yesterday, without a single response. Is she angry with me about something? Has she decided not to see me again? If so, it would have been nice if she had told me of her decision.
Surely it's rude to break up with someone by simply not speaking to them again?
Co-incidentally, my text messages last night to L and to Susie and Sue - and an ex-colleague - also all went unanswered. I am feeling particularly un-loved at the moment!
After our encounter on Monday night, we exchanged texts on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday lunchtime. Since then, nothing. I sent her three text messages yesterday, without a single response. Is she angry with me about something? Has she decided not to see me again? If so, it would have been nice if she had told me of her decision.
Surely it's rude to break up with someone by simply not speaking to them again?
Co-incidentally, my text messages last night to L and to Susie and Sue - and an ex-colleague - also all went unanswered. I am feeling particularly un-loved at the moment!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Sue - first date
I met someone new last night. Sue contacted me via the dating site by making me one of her 'favourites'. I responded with an email and pretty soon we were arranging to meet for a drink.
We met at a country pub/restaurant halfway between her town and mine. I arrived promptly at 8, and no sooner had I reversed the car into a parking spot facing the entrance when I saw her car arrive. We waved hello, then went inside together. She wore blue jeans that clung to generous hips and thighs and a black vee-neck top that showed just the right amount of cleavage and a smart jacket. Black boots completed the ensemble. Her hair is blonde... -ish, thick and straight, hanging down to her collar, with a fringe.
We ordered drinks and sat down. I had not had the opportunity to have something to eat before leaving home, so I ordered food as well, so she joined me by having a starter. We sat side-by-side and chatted easily. I told her about Mary, and G and N; she told me about her ex-partner and her children. We talked about online dating, and she told me what she described as a 'horror story' involving a chap from Slovakia who barely spoke English. I told her about Mel and Becky. I didn't tell her about V, nor about Susie.
After we'd eaten and re-filled our glasses, she mentioned that she still wondered about her ex-boyfriend who still contacted her occasionally. Then she actually asked me whether it was a good thing to go backwards and see an ex again. Should she go back to dating him again, she asked?
I knew then that there was no 'spark'. That she had no real interest in me. Fortunately I felt similarly. She is actually a very nice person, not unattractive for her age, apparently normal and easy to talk to. When we left and walked back to where the cars were parked, I said,
"Because you are asking me whether you should go back and see your ex-boyfriend, I take it that you and I haven't really hit it off?"
She smiled and I realised that she hadn't realised the implications of what she had been saying.
"Well," she said, "I think that's true. I mean you seem nice, but... How do you feel?"
"I think you are attractive, easy to talk to and honest... I tell you what - how about we meet again, for a bit longer, see how we get on then, and decide whether this goes anywhere or not."
She agreed, we hugged, she kissed me gently on the lips and we each drove off.
I sent her a text when I got home : "Was nice to meet you and I would like to see you again. Maybe dinner and a movie next time?"
Her reply: "Thanks for a nice evening, and yes, maybe next time dinner."
Today, I am not so sure I want to see her again.
We met at a country pub/restaurant halfway between her town and mine. I arrived promptly at 8, and no sooner had I reversed the car into a parking spot facing the entrance when I saw her car arrive. We waved hello, then went inside together. She wore blue jeans that clung to generous hips and thighs and a black vee-neck top that showed just the right amount of cleavage and a smart jacket. Black boots completed the ensemble. Her hair is blonde... -ish, thick and straight, hanging down to her collar, with a fringe.
We ordered drinks and sat down. I had not had the opportunity to have something to eat before leaving home, so I ordered food as well, so she joined me by having a starter. We sat side-by-side and chatted easily. I told her about Mary, and G and N; she told me about her ex-partner and her children. We talked about online dating, and she told me what she described as a 'horror story' involving a chap from Slovakia who barely spoke English. I told her about Mel and Becky. I didn't tell her about V, nor about Susie.
After we'd eaten and re-filled our glasses, she mentioned that she still wondered about her ex-boyfriend who still contacted her occasionally. Then she actually asked me whether it was a good thing to go backwards and see an ex again. Should she go back to dating him again, she asked?
I knew then that there was no 'spark'. That she had no real interest in me. Fortunately I felt similarly. She is actually a very nice person, not unattractive for her age, apparently normal and easy to talk to. When we left and walked back to where the cars were parked, I said,
"Because you are asking me whether you should go back and see your ex-boyfriend, I take it that you and I haven't really hit it off?"
She smiled and I realised that she hadn't realised the implications of what she had been saying.
"Well," she said, "I think that's true. I mean you seem nice, but... How do you feel?"
"I think you are attractive, easy to talk to and honest... I tell you what - how about we meet again, for a bit longer, see how we get on then, and decide whether this goes anywhere or not."
She agreed, we hugged, she kissed me gently on the lips and we each drove off.
I sent her a text when I got home : "Was nice to meet you and I would like to see you again. Maybe dinner and a movie next time?"
Her reply: "Thanks for a nice evening, and yes, maybe next time dinner."
Today, I am not so sure I want to see her again.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Love and Friendship
It was well after midnight when V left, and I tried to call Susie, but her phone was already switched off. I checked emails, and found one from her:
I tried to formulate a response, but after spending half an hour editing my ramblings and still not being happy, I gave up. I could not find the right words to say what I felt without pushing her further away.
I don't want her to back off. I am seeing other people (obviously) but I still love her and I don't want her thinking that I am better off without her; that she is getting in the way. I cannot, therefore, give her any sign that I am focussing on her to the detriment of my relationships with others. I am scared shitless that she will stop seeing me altogether. She has said that we will nevertheless be friends, but that's not what I want.
Tonight we got a chance to talk on the phone about some of this, and I told her that I was not entirely sure that I could be just her friend. Hypothetically, I said, if I meet the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her, I can envisage my love for that person replacing my love for her, in which case I would be happy to be her friend.
But as long as I actually love Susie, and there is a chance that we will one day be together, I cannot be 'just' her friend.
"As you haven't called back, I can only assume you are "entertaining", which is a good thing!
I believe that contact between us will only prevent you from forming long lasting relationships with others. Maybe I should back off and leave you to it. This is not said out of any jealous feeling, but simply because I truly want you to be happy."
I tried to formulate a response, but after spending half an hour editing my ramblings and still not being happy, I gave up. I could not find the right words to say what I felt without pushing her further away.
I don't want her to back off. I am seeing other people (obviously) but I still love her and I don't want her thinking that I am better off without her; that she is getting in the way. I cannot, therefore, give her any sign that I am focussing on her to the detriment of my relationships with others. I am scared shitless that she will stop seeing me altogether. She has said that we will nevertheless be friends, but that's not what I want.
Tonight we got a chance to talk on the phone about some of this, and I told her that I was not entirely sure that I could be just her friend. Hypothetically, I said, if I meet the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her, I can envisage my love for that person replacing my love for her, in which case I would be happy to be her friend.
But as long as I actually love Susie, and there is a chance that we will one day be together, I cannot be 'just' her friend.
Sensitive clit
Last night, V and I went out to a pub for dinner. We talked for ages about our history, and she unloaded a bit about her last relationship. I didn't mind at all - I like getting to know the women I am dating - but she actually apologised for it. Funny girl.
Then my phone rang. "Unknown" it said, so I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!" said Susie's cheerful voice.
"Hi, how are you?" I asked. There must have been something in my voice.
"Oh, are you with someone at the moment?"
"Um.. Yes." I couldn't lie, but I felt guilty that I was with another woman when she called.
"Oh, sorry," she said.
"No, it's fine," I replied. "I will call you back later."
After dinner, V and I drove back to my place. She was cold and stood with her bum against the radiator, so I hugged her, and fondled her and kissed her. She is a good kisser, and a good snog always gets my motor running. Soon I was inching her skirt up over her hips and grabbing her backside. My fingers ran over the back of her thigh and between her legs.
Then we broke apart and I guided her towards the sofa. I sat her down and knelt on the floor. I opened the snaps on her body stocking and plunged my face into her bush. She sighed and rolled her hips appreciatively as my tongue flicked over her clit and then she giggled and squeezed her legs closed.
"Let me return the favour," she suggested, so I sat beside her and she took me in her mouth. In a short while, I could feel the first stirrings from down below that signal the onset of orgasm, and said:
"No, I want to make love with you."
She smiled. "It's a bit sensitive at the moment," she said.
"Too sensitive?"
She nodded.
Disappointed, I lay back again while she used her mouth and hands on me until I made her hands and my belly all sticky.
I find it fascinating that V gets so sensitive after oral sex that she cannot enjoy penetrative sex (or was she lying?), while Mary found that a clitoral orgasm really got her juices flowing (literally and figuratively) and made her want to be penetrated even more.
If any women are reading this, would you care to comment?
Then my phone rang. "Unknown" it said, so I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!" said Susie's cheerful voice.
"Hi, how are you?" I asked. There must have been something in my voice.
"Oh, are you with someone at the moment?"
"Um.. Yes." I couldn't lie, but I felt guilty that I was with another woman when she called.
"Oh, sorry," she said.
"No, it's fine," I replied. "I will call you back later."
After dinner, V and I drove back to my place. She was cold and stood with her bum against the radiator, so I hugged her, and fondled her and kissed her. She is a good kisser, and a good snog always gets my motor running. Soon I was inching her skirt up over her hips and grabbing her backside. My fingers ran over the back of her thigh and between her legs.
Then we broke apart and I guided her towards the sofa. I sat her down and knelt on the floor. I opened the snaps on her body stocking and plunged my face into her bush. She sighed and rolled her hips appreciatively as my tongue flicked over her clit and then she giggled and squeezed her legs closed.
"Let me return the favour," she suggested, so I sat beside her and she took me in her mouth. In a short while, I could feel the first stirrings from down below that signal the onset of orgasm, and said:
"No, I want to make love with you."
She smiled. "It's a bit sensitive at the moment," she said.
"Too sensitive?"
She nodded.
Disappointed, I lay back again while she used her mouth and hands on me until I made her hands and my belly all sticky.
I find it fascinating that V gets so sensitive after oral sex that she cannot enjoy penetrative sex (or was she lying?), while Mary found that a clitoral orgasm really got her juices flowing (literally and figuratively) and made her want to be penetrated even more.
If any women are reading this, would you care to comment?
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I need someone
I have to confess to feeling more than a little guilty. My guilt arises from the fact that I am seeing - and sleeping with - V, while my true affections lie with Susie.
If a friend of mine told me this, I would probably advise him to be true to the woman he loved and gently break up with the other. But it's not that simple. It never is. The fact that Susie does not love me back and actually wants me to date other people adds an extra dimension. In fact it serves only to confuse me further. I need physical contact, affection, even to be loved. Not that V has given any indication that she loves me, but we get on well enough. I like her, but I can't see myself loving her. But she is currently the only woman available for the physical contact thing. I feel so guilty about it, but I need to have someone in my life; even if I know it's not going to last. Does that make sense? Am I being selfish? It feels like I am cheating.
I saw Susie again yesterday for coffee. We talked for a good couple of hours, and once again, all those familiar feelings returned. At one point, we were discussing some of the similarities between our respective marriage break-ups, and it got really emotional. I felt a lump in my throat, and her eyes were moist. For a long moment, there was a real emotional connection. When we hugged goodbye, I had to tear myself away.
But I know Susie is not ready for a relationship just yet. So I will be patient, and be her friend, for that's what she really needs.
If a friend of mine told me this, I would probably advise him to be true to the woman he loved and gently break up with the other. But it's not that simple. It never is. The fact that Susie does not love me back and actually wants me to date other people adds an extra dimension. In fact it serves only to confuse me further. I need physical contact, affection, even to be loved. Not that V has given any indication that she loves me, but we get on well enough. I like her, but I can't see myself loving her. But she is currently the only woman available for the physical contact thing. I feel so guilty about it, but I need to have someone in my life; even if I know it's not going to last. Does that make sense? Am I being selfish? It feels like I am cheating.
I saw Susie again yesterday for coffee. We talked for a good couple of hours, and once again, all those familiar feelings returned. At one point, we were discussing some of the similarities between our respective marriage break-ups, and it got really emotional. I felt a lump in my throat, and her eyes were moist. For a long moment, there was a real emotional connection. When we hugged goodbye, I had to tear myself away.
But I know Susie is not ready for a relationship just yet. So I will be patient, and be her friend, for that's what she really needs.
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