Love and Friendship

It was well after midnight when V left, and I tried to call Susie, but her phone was already switched off. I checked emails, and found one from her:

"As you haven't called back, I can only assume you are "entertaining", which is a good thing!

I believe that contact between us will only prevent you from forming long lasting relationships with others. Maybe I should back off and leave you to it. This is not said out of any jealous feeling, but simply because I truly want you to be happy."

I tried to formulate a response, but after spending half an hour editing my ramblings and still not being happy, I gave up. I could not find the right words to say what I felt without pushing her further away.

I don't want her to back off. I am seeing other people (obviously) but I still love her and I don't want her thinking that I am better off without her; that she is getting in the way. I cannot, therefore, give her any sign that I am focussing on her to the detriment of my relationships with others. I am scared shitless that she will stop seeing me altogether. She has said that we will nevertheless be friends, but that's not what I want.

Tonight we got a chance to talk on the phone about some of this, and I told her that I was not entirely sure that I could be just her friend. Hypothetically, I said, if I meet the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her, I can envisage my love for that person replacing my love for her, in which case I would be happy to be her friend.

But as long as I actually love Susie, and there is a chance that we will one day be together, I cannot be 'just' her friend.