Letter to Susie

My darling Susie,

I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.

I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.

Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.

How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?

My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!

I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.

I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.

I will Love You Till The End
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