Having dropped Vicky at the station this morning, my thoughts turned almost immediately back to Susie. I wondered if she had gone away for the weekend with her sister as she had planned, and whether she was any less stressed now that we had stopped communicating.
I had, if truth be told, been thinking about her at odd moments all weekend. Even while sitting on the sofa watching tv, my hands caressing Vicky's bare legs, there would be programmes, characters or adverts that would make me think of Susie. The worst time was Saturday when we went to see a movie. Her choice was 'Over Her Dead Body' with Eva Longoria Parker. It was a film that Susie and I wanted to see together. I felt sad that I had gone with the wrong person.
This morning, I checked my emails for the first time since Friday hoping to see a message from her. Nada. I was sorely tempted to send her a message simply saying that I hope she enjoyed the weekend away with her sister. But it’s too soon.
My birthday is coming up later this week. I know she wrote the date in her diary, but I am constantly wondering whether she will send me a card, or even an email. At least that way, I know she still wants to stay in touch. What if she doesn’t though? Do I contact her? No, it’s too soon. But when will it not be too soon? I still can’t forget about her, and although I am slowly coming to realise how she feels about me, I still harbour hopes that one day we will be together.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Period
It was touch-and-go whether Vicky was going to come for the weekend. Two days beforehand she reported a case of thrush, and then on the day she said her period had started. We both knew that spending an entire weekend together without being able to get physical would be torture, but I encouraged her to come because I did not fancy the idea of spending the weekend on my own thinking about Susie. By the time she arrived, however, the thrush had cleared and I am not averse to a little good clean blood. Then she caught a head cold.
From a health perspective, she probably thinks it was a weekend to forget, but we did have a very enjoyable time on Friday evening, though. We went out shopping on Saturday morning, had lunch and saw a movie in the afternoon followed by another session that night, and another on Sunday morning. Now I need to wash the blood off the towels we laid across the bed.
This morning, her head cold was even worse, and may even be flu, so she was very tempted to spend the day in bed. I suggested she did exactly that, but in the end she decided to go. I took her back to the station this morning and before getting out of the car, she kissed me fiercely. A short time later, a text message arrived
"I'm on the train now, but really do wish I wasn't. It was hard to leave you today."
Around lunch time came this one:
"I'm having the day off after all coz I was feeling so bad. I wish I hadn't come home."
It is certainly nice to be appreciated and... well, loved like that. And it would have been comforting to know that she was waiting for me to come home. But she is still, after all, a virtual stranger and it would also have felt very odd having her all alone in my flat all day.
From a health perspective, she probably thinks it was a weekend to forget, but we did have a very enjoyable time on Friday evening, though. We went out shopping on Saturday morning, had lunch and saw a movie in the afternoon followed by another session that night, and another on Sunday morning. Now I need to wash the blood off the towels we laid across the bed.
This morning, her head cold was even worse, and may even be flu, so she was very tempted to spend the day in bed. I suggested she did exactly that, but in the end she decided to go. I took her back to the station this morning and before getting out of the car, she kissed me fiercely. A short time later, a text message arrived
"I'm on the train now, but really do wish I wasn't. It was hard to leave you today."
Around lunch time came this one:
"I'm having the day off after all coz I was feeling so bad. I wish I hadn't come home."
It is certainly nice to be appreciated and... well, loved like that. And it would have been comforting to know that she was waiting for me to come home. But she is still, after all, a virtual stranger and it would also have felt very odd having her all alone in my flat all day.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Love
I have just found the following quote on another blog, which I will not link to since I don't really want the publicity (and I will have to write explaining that some time soon to).
"The quickest way to receive love is to give it;
the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
the best way to keep love is to give it wings."
Needless to say that I thought instantly of Susie. Perhaps I will put this in an email to her some day.
"The quickest way to receive love is to give it;
the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
the best way to keep love is to give it wings."
Needless to say that I thought instantly of Susie. Perhaps I will put this in an email to her some day.
Submissive
As we so often do, Vicky and I were chatting on IM last night, when she said something really interesting. We were talking about how she is thinking about getting a new job, when at 8:34 p.m. she typed:
To say I was taken aback would be an understatement! Bear in mind that this woman and I have known each other less than a month, we have seen each other twice, although on each occasion it was for an entire weekend. But to come out with something like that so early in a relationship is pretty amazing!
The rest of the conversation went something like this:
"I'm inclined to say Yes, but perhaps you should explain first..."
"Is that something you have done before?"
"but it's a fantasy?"
"and you want to make it come true".
That was not a question.
"you trust me that much?"
"what is it about this that appeals to you?"
I wondered just how seriously she wanted to take this. Was it something that she wanted to try for an hour or two to see if she liked it, or was this a lifestyle choice she was making?
"Hmm. So you would like this to be for a whole day or longer?"
We spent the next hour talking about sexual positions, what turned us on, being tied up, domination, outfits etc. etc. It was Hot!
She likes the idea of bondage, and has twice said that she likes being spanked, but she hasn't mentioned being humiliated or punished in any way. I suspect that she is turned on simply by the idea of being completely submissive, but only in a sexually situation. I don't think her fantasy goes beyond being sexually 'used' but no more than that. It's purely a role-play thing.
We are going to have to work out the boundaries and how it would work before we actually indulge, so we will talk about it this weekend and maybe experiment a little the next time we meet. I am, however, already thinking of scenarios.
"oh by the way can i be your sex slave"
To say I was taken aback would be an understatement! Bear in mind that this woman and I have known each other less than a month, we have seen each other twice, although on each occasion it was for an entire weekend. But to come out with something like that so early in a relationship is pretty amazing!
The rest of the conversation went something like this:
"I'm inclined to say Yes, but perhaps you should explain first..."
"i would like to dress up for you in a sexy outfit (maids?) and be kept to have sex with you anywhere and everywhere you feel like taking me and making me yours!!"
"Is that something you have done before?"
"no"
"but it's a fantasy?"
"yes"
"and you want to make it come true".
That was not a question.
"yep"
"you trust me that much?"
"of course"
"what is it about this that appeals to you?"
"well its a milder form of control and the thought of being kept and fucked by someone i trust whenever is a turn on"
I wondered just how seriously she wanted to take this. Was it something that she wanted to try for an hour or two to see if she liked it, or was this a lifestyle choice she was making?
"Hmm. So you would like this to be for a whole day or longer?"
"day and night would be nice. woken up to find you having your wicked way with me a few times would be lovely"
We spent the next hour talking about sexual positions, what turned us on, being tied up, domination, outfits etc. etc. It was Hot!
She likes the idea of bondage, and has twice said that she likes being spanked, but she hasn't mentioned being humiliated or punished in any way. I suspect that she is turned on simply by the idea of being completely submissive, but only in a sexually situation. I don't think her fantasy goes beyond being sexually 'used' but no more than that. It's purely a role-play thing.
We are going to have to work out the boundaries and how it would work before we actually indulge, so we will talk about it this weekend and maybe experiment a little the next time we meet. I am, however, already thinking of scenarios.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Dirty weekend
When I told Vicky that Susie and I were not going to have a relationship, she said she was relieved as she no longer needed to make the decision as to whether or not to see me. I think she understands that I am gutted about losing Susie, but is so pleased that it has happened that she is catching a train up here to be with me for the weekend.
I considered saying no, but in truth I need her to take my mind off Susie. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to connect on a level other than a sexual one.
I considered saying no, but in truth I need her to take my mind off Susie. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to connect on a level other than a sexual one.
Goodbye. For now?
It became clear over the weekend that Susie has been getting more and more stressed lately.
"You are a serious numpty for falling in love with me in the first place!! Yes, I do think this is stress and I do think that the situation between us is adding to it. You alone are not adding to it, so don't take the blame."
I have (VERY) reluctantly decided to step back and leave her alone. At least for now. I sent this:
"Okay, I get the message. I am terribly sorry for the hurt I am causing you and it is clear that I must back off and leave you alone.
I thought I was close to understanding what stood in the way but I obviously don't. You are so very special to me and I will love you forever. I will always hope that one day I will hear from you again.
In the meantime, I wish you all the happiness that apparently I could not give you.
Yours Till the End"
Her reply:
"Thank you for your messages. I am sorry, but I do need the space. I need to consider my future at the moment and there are too many people making demands on my time and brain.
Stay well
Love, Me x "
I know I will contact her again some day, if she does not contact me first. My problem lies in NOT contacting her now. I still think about her all the time. I have more or less accepted that we are unlikely to ever have the relationship I want, but I have not given up hope entirely.
There is always the possibility that I am one day able to accept her as just a friend, but I know that at the moment if we were to see each other as friends, I would continue asking why we are not lovers. It would push her further away.
I wonder if she will remember my birthday, and whether I will hear from her then. It's only next week, so it's a bit soon, but if I do, I will thank her nicely and stay cool.
God, I miss her, though!!!
"You are a serious numpty for falling in love with me in the first place!! Yes, I do think this is stress and I do think that the situation between us is adding to it. You alone are not adding to it, so don't take the blame."
I have (VERY) reluctantly decided to step back and leave her alone. At least for now. I sent this:
"Okay, I get the message. I am terribly sorry for the hurt I am causing you and it is clear that I must back off and leave you alone.
I thought I was close to understanding what stood in the way but I obviously don't. You are so very special to me and I will love you forever. I will always hope that one day I will hear from you again.
In the meantime, I wish you all the happiness that apparently I could not give you.
Yours Till the End"
Her reply:
"Thank you for your messages. I am sorry, but I do need the space. I need to consider my future at the moment and there are too many people making demands on my time and brain.
Stay well
Love, Me x "
I know I will contact her again some day, if she does not contact me first. My problem lies in NOT contacting her now. I still think about her all the time. I have more or less accepted that we are unlikely to ever have the relationship I want, but I have not given up hope entirely.
There is always the possibility that I am one day able to accept her as just a friend, but I know that at the moment if we were to see each other as friends, I would continue asking why we are not lovers. It would push her further away.
I wonder if she will remember my birthday, and whether I will hear from her then. It's only next week, so it's a bit soon, but if I do, I will thank her nicely and stay cool.
God, I miss her, though!!!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I am in mourning!
I am absolutely gutted! I feel similar to the way I did when my wife said she wanted a divorce, worse than I did when my first love said she was moving on. Susie said she could not go on 'doing this' to me.
First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.
I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"
Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."
We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.
I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?
"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink
"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx
First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.
I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"
Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."
We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.
I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?
"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink
"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Waiting for a decision
It has been 36 hours and she is still thinking about it. To be fair she has emailed to say she has a hangover this morning and she has guests for the weekend, so pergaps not a lot of thinking is going on.
On the other hand she did send me her top ten list of reasons "why you shouldn't like me and why I would make a dreadful partner:"
1. I dunk chocolate in tea
2. I don't like noise first thing in the morning
3. I am very high maintenance when it comes to attention
4. I am very fussy about the way cleaning is done
5. I don't iron very well and I don't really like cooking
6. I have a lot of male friends
7. I have lots of shoes and would probably buy many more
8. I hardly ever watch television
9. I don't like parties
10. I'm not a natural blonde!
Can you see any problem with those? No, I couldn't either. I am cautiously hopeful, but also aware that if she now says No, I could be in for an even bigger let-down.
On the other hand she did send me her top ten list of reasons "why you shouldn't like me and why I would make a dreadful partner:"
1. I dunk chocolate in tea
2. I don't like noise first thing in the morning
3. I am very high maintenance when it comes to attention
4. I am very fussy about the way cleaning is done
5. I don't iron very well and I don't really like cooking
6. I have a lot of male friends
7. I have lots of shoes and would probably buy many more
8. I hardly ever watch television
9. I don't like parties
10. I'm not a natural blonde!
Can you see any problem with those? No, I couldn't either. I am cautiously hopeful, but also aware that if she now says No, I could be in for an even bigger let-down.
Fear and Trepidation
I spent most of Friday in an emotional mess. Susie had told me about her ex leaving his girlfriend, that this time it looked serious. I woke up seriously worried that I had seen the last of her. I felt sad, depressed, lonely.
Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"
I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"
"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"
"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."
I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.
"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"
There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!
Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"
Phew!
Then the inevitable response arrived by email:
"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.
Me x x "
I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.
Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"
"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.
I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "
I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.
Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"
I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"
"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"
"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."
I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.
"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"
There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!
Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"
Phew!
Then the inevitable response arrived by email:
"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.
Me x x "
I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.
Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"
"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.
I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "
I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.
Vicky - The end?
Vicky and I met up on MSN again on Thursday evening - Valentine's day - for a chat. She had received the rose I sent her and was thrilled. Her personal message on MSN had been changed to "Yippee, Valentine's Day is here.". Something in what I was writing to her though, piqued her curiosity and she asked me what was wrong. I am so transparent.
I said it was complicated; too complicated to chat about on MSN. So she called. I told her about Susie and my feelings for her, and as I suspected, Vicky started crying. I felt horrible (not for the first time). I simply hate hurting people, and I seem to keep doing it.
At least she didn't start swearing and calling me names like Becky did (I never did describe our break-up did I? I will have to post about that some time).
The next day, I checked emails to find one from her. It was a long one, filled with questions. What did I feel for her? Was Susie still on the scene? What was I offering her in relationship terms? Could I commit in the future? etc etc.
It took me nearly an hour, but I composed an equally lengthy reply . Basically, I said that I would be happy to have a casual relationship with her, because I could not (yet) commit to a long-term relationship with her. I was not, however, completely honest. I said that, if Susie were to go back to her ex, I would have to try to forget her and move on, and then we could see how far our relationship could develop. In truth, I see no long-term future for us. We are too different. The truth is that the sex is fantastic, and for now, that's enough for me.
I said it was complicated; too complicated to chat about on MSN. So she called. I told her about Susie and my feelings for her, and as I suspected, Vicky started crying. I felt horrible (not for the first time). I simply hate hurting people, and I seem to keep doing it.
At least she didn't start swearing and calling me names like Becky did (I never did describe our break-up did I? I will have to post about that some time).
The next day, I checked emails to find one from her. It was a long one, filled with questions. What did I feel for her? Was Susie still on the scene? What was I offering her in relationship terms? Could I commit in the future? etc etc.
It took me nearly an hour, but I composed an equally lengthy reply . Basically, I said that I would be happy to have a casual relationship with her, because I could not (yet) commit to a long-term relationship with her. I was not, however, completely honest. I said that, if Susie were to go back to her ex, I would have to try to forget her and move on, and then we could see how far our relationship could develop. In truth, I see no long-term future for us. We are too different. The truth is that the sex is fantastic, and for now, that's enough for me.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I have sent a single red rose to Vicky and another to Susie. The messages, however, are completely different.
To Vicky I sent "Happy Valentines Day - our first!" with kisses.
To Susie I sent "I will Love You Till The End" - a reference to 'our' song, the Pogues tune that was the theme to the movie 'P.S. I love you' which was the last film we saw together on our last date.
But it's Valentine's day and I am alone.
That's not all that unusual. I'm sure there are millions of people out there who are home alone tonight. But how many of them are in love with someone? And how many have someone who apparently loves them?
Well, I have both, and I am still alone. Go figure!
The woman I love is spending the evening with her best friend - a fireman no less. And the woman who apparently is falling for me is at her home 80 miles away. It's just too inconvenient to see her for a single evening. So as I write this we are having a conversation on Live Messenger. How sad is that?
I have decided that, before Vicky and I go any further, I need to tell her about my feelings for Susie. It wouldn't be fair not to.
To Vicky I sent "Happy Valentines Day - our first!" with kisses.
To Susie I sent "I will Love You Till The End" - a reference to 'our' song, the Pogues tune that was the theme to the movie 'P.S. I love you' which was the last film we saw together on our last date.
But it's Valentine's day and I am alone.
That's not all that unusual. I'm sure there are millions of people out there who are home alone tonight. But how many of them are in love with someone? And how many have someone who apparently loves them?
Well, I have both, and I am still alone. Go figure!
The woman I love is spending the evening with her best friend - a fireman no less. And the woman who apparently is falling for me is at her home 80 miles away. It's just too inconvenient to see her for a single evening. So as I write this we are having a conversation on Live Messenger. How sad is that?
I have decided that, before Vicky and I go any further, I need to tell her about my feelings for Susie. It wouldn't be fair not to.
Letter to Susie
My darling Susie,
I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.
I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.
Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.
How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?
My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!
I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.
I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.
I will Love You Till The End
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.
I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.
Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.
How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?
My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!
I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.
I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.
I will Love You Till The End
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Telephone relationship
Susie and I spoke on the phone again this evening. It seems I got my wish. She did plan to go to France with A, her ex-lover, but said that the opportunity to go away with him has now passed. They have spent some time together and he is, apparently, more attentive, more caring. And I am more jealous.... He has still not left his long-term girlfriend, however. So there is hope.
I said that, because she still loves him and is still contemplating a relationship with him, even if she and I were together, I was worried that the two of them would have an affair - why not, she's done it before? She said adamantly that she would not do that once she made the decision to commit to another relationship.
However, in contrast to her earlier statement, she is now not sure she wants a relationship at all, because she says, she is afraid of getting hurt. Considering that, while speaking to a friend recently, she referred to me as "perfect husband material", you can understand my confusion as to why she would not want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.
She is clearly very confused. I keep wanting to try to clear things up whenever I talk to her, but it just makes things worse. I keep wanting to convince her that a relationship with me would be right, but the more I try, the more I feel I am making things worse. In this, I am my own worst enemy. If I am not careful, I will drive her away for ever. I couldn't bear that.
This is becoming really difficult. Not that it wasn't before; it's just that I cannot confidently see a resolution that I will be happy with. I don't see our relationship progressing. Despite all the wonderful things she says and the apparent logic of us being together, her feelings cannot be denied, and I have no idea how long I may have to wait. That, I suppose, is why she suggested we stop seeing each other in the first place.
I said that, because she still loves him and is still contemplating a relationship with him, even if she and I were together, I was worried that the two of them would have an affair - why not, she's done it before? She said adamantly that she would not do that once she made the decision to commit to another relationship.
However, in contrast to her earlier statement, she is now not sure she wants a relationship at all, because she says, she is afraid of getting hurt. Considering that, while speaking to a friend recently, she referred to me as "perfect husband material", you can understand my confusion as to why she would not want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.
She is clearly very confused. I keep wanting to try to clear things up whenever I talk to her, but it just makes things worse. I keep wanting to convince her that a relationship with me would be right, but the more I try, the more I feel I am making things worse. In this, I am my own worst enemy. If I am not careful, I will drive her away for ever. I couldn't bear that.
This is becoming really difficult. Not that it wasn't before; it's just that I cannot confidently see a resolution that I will be happy with. I don't see our relationship progressing. Despite all the wonderful things she says and the apparent logic of us being together, her feelings cannot be denied, and I have no idea how long I may have to wait. That, I suppose, is why she suggested we stop seeing each other in the first place.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Vicky - second date
After work on Friday, I drove down to the coast to see Vicky. I checked into a Premier Inn and then went to meet her after work. Knowing I was coming, she had changed into a deep-cut blouse, very short skirt and hold-up stockings.
We got back to the hotel and it wasn't long before I discovered that she was wearing nothing beneath the skirt! We wasted no time getting naked.
The next morning, I woke her up with a finger along her slit, and when she started pushing back towards me, I guided my cock inside her and we had sex for the second time that weekend.
Later, after a full English breakfast, we went out to the dockside and walked around the shops, bars and restaurants for a while. We stopped for tea and cake and then walked some more. It was a beautiful late-winter day, with clear blue skies and the gentlest of sea breezes.
At lunchtime, we went back to the hotel.
"Would you like to have a quick nap or make love?" I asked.
"Both."
Afterwards, lying spoon-fashion, she clutched my hand to her breast and said,
"I've never done that before."
"Done what?"
"Made love"
Since she had two sons, that didn't make sense, so I said nothing.
"I have had loads of sex," she said, "but I have never made love. But that's what we do."
I had no idea what to say to that.
We slept until five, then went out to the local shopping centre for dinner and a movie. We discovered possibly the most delightful Italian restaurant I have ever been to. A delicious Chianti accompanied some divine Scalopini di Vitella for me and a delicate Sea Bream for Vicky. Our hunger sated, we went into the cinema to see the second in the 'National Treasure' series. It was pretty good, but if you've seen the first, it offers nothing new.
Back to the hotel again, we had no sooner closed the room door than we were again in each others arms. Session 3 of the day.
This morning, after what felt like a restless night, I awoke to find Vicky stroking my cock erect. It didn't take more than a few seconds and she slid on top of me. Guiding my cock inside her, she sat astride me and rocked her hips. I was so deep inside her, I could feel the tip of my glans nudging up against her cervix. In a few minutes she was groaning in orgasm, and she collapsed on top of me.
It wasn't long before she was moving her hips again, and gently sliding up and down my shaft. This time I was astonished to feel a splash of warm fluid flow down the underside of my penis, down the crack of my bum-cheeks and soak into the bed sheets. I have never met anyone who could do that before!
I left before lunchtime and took the scenic route home. It gave me time to think. I had, as on the first occasion, spent a lot of time thinking not of Vicky, but of Susie - on one occasion while fucking Vicky! I frequently wondered what Susie was doing, or wished that she was the one beside me (or outside me).
Vicky and I are talking about getting together again in a fortnight. This time, she will come to stay with me. But no sooner had I dropped her at home than I realised that this may be the last time we would see each other. I even began to rehearse how I would tell her. Of course, it depends on what Susie says when we meet, and I hope we can meet up before then. Vicky is very sexy, by her own admission "a little nympho" and we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship. Take away the sex, and there is precious little there.
I should break up with her. It's not fair on her to expect a long-term relationship if I know that's not going to happen. I also cannot go on feeling guilty about being with her when I know it's Susie I want to be with. On the other hand the sex is great and even if Susie does not want a relationship right now, I need the emotional and physical stimulation of a relationship. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I am wonderful and to make plans with.
But what I really want of course, is for Susie to tell me that she is ready for a relationship with me. That would solve everything.
We got back to the hotel and it wasn't long before I discovered that she was wearing nothing beneath the skirt! We wasted no time getting naked.
The next morning, I woke her up with a finger along her slit, and when she started pushing back towards me, I guided my cock inside her and we had sex for the second time that weekend.
Later, after a full English breakfast, we went out to the dockside and walked around the shops, bars and restaurants for a while. We stopped for tea and cake and then walked some more. It was a beautiful late-winter day, with clear blue skies and the gentlest of sea breezes.
At lunchtime, we went back to the hotel.
"Would you like to have a quick nap or make love?" I asked.
"Both."
Afterwards, lying spoon-fashion, she clutched my hand to her breast and said,
"I've never done that before."
"Done what?"
"Made love"
Since she had two sons, that didn't make sense, so I said nothing.
"I have had loads of sex," she said, "but I have never made love. But that's what we do."
I had no idea what to say to that.
We slept until five, then went out to the local shopping centre for dinner and a movie. We discovered possibly the most delightful Italian restaurant I have ever been to. A delicious Chianti accompanied some divine Scalopini di Vitella for me and a delicate Sea Bream for Vicky. Our hunger sated, we went into the cinema to see the second in the 'National Treasure' series. It was pretty good, but if you've seen the first, it offers nothing new.
Back to the hotel again, we had no sooner closed the room door than we were again in each others arms. Session 3 of the day.
This morning, after what felt like a restless night, I awoke to find Vicky stroking my cock erect. It didn't take more than a few seconds and she slid on top of me. Guiding my cock inside her, she sat astride me and rocked her hips. I was so deep inside her, I could feel the tip of my glans nudging up against her cervix. In a few minutes she was groaning in orgasm, and she collapsed on top of me.
It wasn't long before she was moving her hips again, and gently sliding up and down my shaft. This time I was astonished to feel a splash of warm fluid flow down the underside of my penis, down the crack of my bum-cheeks and soak into the bed sheets. I have never met anyone who could do that before!
I left before lunchtime and took the scenic route home. It gave me time to think. I had, as on the first occasion, spent a lot of time thinking not of Vicky, but of Susie - on one occasion while fucking Vicky! I frequently wondered what Susie was doing, or wished that she was the one beside me (or outside me).
Vicky and I are talking about getting together again in a fortnight. This time, she will come to stay with me. But no sooner had I dropped her at home than I realised that this may be the last time we would see each other. I even began to rehearse how I would tell her. Of course, it depends on what Susie says when we meet, and I hope we can meet up before then. Vicky is very sexy, by her own admission "a little nympho" and we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship. Take away the sex, and there is precious little there.
I should break up with her. It's not fair on her to expect a long-term relationship if I know that's not going to happen. I also cannot go on feeling guilty about being with her when I know it's Susie I want to be with. On the other hand the sex is great and even if Susie does not want a relationship right now, I need the emotional and physical stimulation of a relationship. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I am wonderful and to make plans with.
But what I really want of course, is for Susie to tell me that she is ready for a relationship with me. That would solve everything.
Susie - relationship update
After the phone conversation a few days ago, Susie sent me a text message the next morning:
A very enigmatic message. I am torn between two points of view:
1) She loves me in the same way I love her, just not as intensely. Her feelings for me are clouded but her feelings for her ex - the love of her life.
2) She really does love me as just a friend. I believe this one less, but it's a possibility.
I suspect that she is going on holiday next week with A, her ex, although she has not said so in so many words; and of course I have not asked. I am definitely feeling jealous, but in a way, I want her to spend time with him in the hope that it will convince her that nothing has changed between them, and that I can offer her the relationship she really wants.
"I do love you. I don't think we love each other in the same way but I love you."
A very enigmatic message. I am torn between two points of view:
1) She loves me in the same way I love her, just not as intensely. Her feelings for me are clouded but her feelings for her ex - the love of her life.
2) She really does love me as just a friend. I believe this one less, but it's a possibility.
I suspect that she is going on holiday next week with A, her ex, although she has not said so in so many words; and of course I have not asked. I am definitely feeling jealous, but in a way, I want her to spend time with him in the hope that it will convince her that nothing has changed between them, and that I can offer her the relationship she really wants.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
First and Last date
First dates can be very revealing. First impressions are vitally important, and exchanging emails doesn't count. It's when you sit across a table from someone for the first time that you first really understand whether there is any chemistry or not.
On Tuesday I had a first date with P. No chemistry on either side I don't think. She is probably too busy to have a relationship, and she is not sure she even wants one anyway. I can so do better!
On Tuesday I had a first date with P. No chemistry on either side I don't think. She is probably too busy to have a relationship, and she is not sure she even wants one anyway. I can so do better!
Resolving issues?
Susie and I spoke for a good half hour last night, and again this evening. They were real heart-to-heart sessions about our genuine feelings, and I have learned a few things:
1) She is still in love with her ex-lover, A. A few years ago she aborted his child because he wouldn't give up his partner for her. He is still with his partner but again wants to spend time with Susie. Despite her feelings, she believes nothing has changed.
2) She believes that, all else being equal, she and I could have a relationship. I am apparently "saying all the right things", I am "really lovely" and she thinks we could have a wonderful relationship and be really happy. BUT! There is something in her heart that she cannot at present explain that is telling her not to. That is why she has occasionally suggested I move on.
3) She wants to have a relationship. She likes being in one and does not want to be single.
4) I now believe that this 'something' is A. I believe that she needs to resolve this issue with him, and determine for herself whether that is what has been holding her back.
There is a chance, obviously, that she decides he is now serious about wanting to get back together, he dumps his long-term partner, as he has been threatening to do for years, and the two of them get together.
There is, I hope, an equal chance that something will happen to make her fall out of love with him, if that's possible. Or at least decide that a relationship with him cannot work - that he cannot give her what she wants - and she will then choose me.
Although she is planning to go away next week, she has promised to contact me again by Sunday, and promised that we will get together for a face-to-face discussion when she gets back. I look forward to it.
1) She is still in love with her ex-lover, A. A few years ago she aborted his child because he wouldn't give up his partner for her. He is still with his partner but again wants to spend time with Susie. Despite her feelings, she believes nothing has changed.
2) She believes that, all else being equal, she and I could have a relationship. I am apparently "saying all the right things", I am "really lovely" and she thinks we could have a wonderful relationship and be really happy. BUT! There is something in her heart that she cannot at present explain that is telling her not to. That is why she has occasionally suggested I move on.
3) She wants to have a relationship. She likes being in one and does not want to be single.
4) I now believe that this 'something' is A. I believe that she needs to resolve this issue with him, and determine for herself whether that is what has been holding her back.
There is a chance, obviously, that she decides he is now serious about wanting to get back together, he dumps his long-term partner, as he has been threatening to do for years, and the two of them get together.
There is, I hope, an equal chance that something will happen to make her fall out of love with him, if that's possible. Or at least decide that a relationship with him cannot work - that he cannot give her what she wants - and she will then choose me.
Although she is planning to go away next week, she has promised to contact me again by Sunday, and promised that we will get together for a face-to-face discussion when she gets back. I look forward to it.
Friday, February 01, 2008
First date with Vicky
On Thursday morning, I got a text from Vicky saying that she was off work for the day. It didn't take me long to agree to go meet her.
Taking a change of clothes and some toiletries - just in case - I drove straight from work. On the way there she sent me a text message saying she was cooking me dinner! I, of course, had assumed we were going out to dinner, but I thought it was sweet. When I arrived, she was waiting on the stairs. She jumped up, threw her arms around me and gave me a hug and a lingering kiss. What an introduction!
She invited me in, offered me some wine, and got dinner on. Bangers and mash. Then it all went badly wrong!
She introduced me to her son. He is 24, unemployed, unshaven, unkempt, and got very excited when someone accepted him as a friend on Facebook. She lives in a one-bedroom council flat, her son sleeping on the sofa-bed in the lounge. Like me, she has no dining table so we ate off of lap trays. Her son put on an old Jim Davidson DVD and we spent the next hour with the pantomime Sinderella (misspelled deliberately)! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little comedy, even lewd comedy, but this was lewd 1980's comedy. It was embarrassing! Some first date this was turning out to be!
I offered to help with the dishes and as soon as the drying was finished, we were snogging against the kitchen sink. She groaned and lifted one jeans-clad leg against my thigh. She wanted me. Badly. Someone who lusts after you that much quickly becomes much more attractive!
I told her that I was staying in a hotel for the night to avoid a long and late drive home. She suggested I stay there with her, but the thought of trying to keep quiet while her son was in the next room was a major turn-off. So I invited her to come with me.
"Will you still respect me in the morning?" she asked.
I laughed and kissed her again, but said nothing. I had no idea what I would feel in the morning.
We spent the night in a Travel Lodge.
Taking a change of clothes and some toiletries - just in case - I drove straight from work. On the way there she sent me a text message saying she was cooking me dinner! I, of course, had assumed we were going out to dinner, but I thought it was sweet. When I arrived, she was waiting on the stairs. She jumped up, threw her arms around me and gave me a hug and a lingering kiss. What an introduction!
She invited me in, offered me some wine, and got dinner on. Bangers and mash. Then it all went badly wrong!
She introduced me to her son. He is 24, unemployed, unshaven, unkempt, and got very excited when someone accepted him as a friend on Facebook. She lives in a one-bedroom council flat, her son sleeping on the sofa-bed in the lounge. Like me, she has no dining table so we ate off of lap trays. Her son put on an old Jim Davidson DVD and we spent the next hour with the pantomime Sinderella (misspelled deliberately)! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little comedy, even lewd comedy, but this was lewd 1980's comedy. It was embarrassing! Some first date this was turning out to be!
I offered to help with the dishes and as soon as the drying was finished, we were snogging against the kitchen sink. She groaned and lifted one jeans-clad leg against my thigh. She wanted me. Badly. Someone who lusts after you that much quickly becomes much more attractive!
I told her that I was staying in a hotel for the night to avoid a long and late drive home. She suggested I stay there with her, but the thought of trying to keep quiet while her son was in the next room was a major turn-off. So I invited her to come with me.
"Will you still respect me in the morning?" she asked.
I laughed and kissed her again, but said nothing. I had no idea what I would feel in the morning.
We spent the night in a Travel Lodge.
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