I am in mourning!

I am absolutely gutted! I feel similar to the way I did when my wife said she wanted a divorce, worse than I did when my first love said she was moving on. Susie said she could not go on 'doing this' to me.

First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.

I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"

Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."

We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.

I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?

"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink

"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx