Mary came round to the house today to help with the packing. I am moving most of my stuff to my new flat tomorrow. The worst part was that, not knowing for sure whether I would be here (I hadn't confirmed), she had brought two of the dogs for company. Or was it just to annoy me? If so, it worked, because one of them left a little 'present' on the bedroom carpet.
Anyway, we spent over 4 hours in the kitchen alone. It was easier than I expected really. We are on such good terms now that we didn't argue over a single thing. Only one item featured on both our 'want' lists - the microwave. Initially, we decided to leave it till last, but when the time came to decide, we both just looked at each other and smiled. I suggested flipping a coin, and she laughed and said that, since she was taking the rest of the white goods, I could have the microwave. Deal!
Then she tackled the cupboard under the stairs - you know, where Harry Potter lives :-) Only one of us could fit in there, and I sat outside taking out the junk.
It was full of stuff that didn't really belong anywhere else, and also loads of stuff that should have been elsewhere. In a large box we found photo albums, envelopes full of prints, and hundreds of strips of negatives. Every one a memory. The best of all was one that I took when G was about 3 years old. I think we were at the cafeteria at a zoo in beautiful weather. Mary asked her little boy for a kiss, and he smiled, came up to her, placed his dainty little hands on her cheeks and kissed her full on the lips, eyes closed. It was a supremely tender moment, which I captured at full zoom and in brilliant colour. We both nearly had tears in our eyes looking at that picture.
"We did good," I said. She nodded in total agreement. He was a beautiful little boy.
We still have a lot to do here, but it is now clearly not a house that any one lives in. Dump on the carpet aside, mentally I have left here already. Tonight I will take enough clothing for the next few days because I will be sleeping at the flat from now on.
Another milestone in the journey that is the end of my marriage has passed today.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Desire
In an emotional telephone conversation this morning, I asked Mary whether there was honestly any chance of us getting together again.
She replied in all honesty that, at this moment, no there was no chance; that her heart belonged to someone else: N. I felt a lump in my throat, my temple throbbed and I had to wipe away a tear.
Why am I still clinging to some faint hope that she will still, some day, come back to me? N is obviously being everything to her that I couldn't but I still care for her very deeply. The more I speak to her, the more I get to know the new Mary, the more I like her, the more I want to be with her, the more I desire her. For it is desire, you see, that is lacking from my other relationships at the moment. I like both Mel and Becky, but if either was to end it, I would not be hurt. I simply don't care enough.
Now Mary is breaking my heart all over again.
At lunch I sent her a text: "I'm sorry but MY heart belongs to you. I love you."
I felt slightly foolish for sending it, but it's true. She is the only woman I want right now. I feel sad.
She replied in all honesty that, at this moment, no there was no chance; that her heart belonged to someone else: N. I felt a lump in my throat, my temple throbbed and I had to wipe away a tear.
Why am I still clinging to some faint hope that she will still, some day, come back to me? N is obviously being everything to her that I couldn't but I still care for her very deeply. The more I speak to her, the more I get to know the new Mary, the more I like her, the more I want to be with her, the more I desire her. For it is desire, you see, that is lacking from my other relationships at the moment. I like both Mel and Becky, but if either was to end it, I would not be hurt. I simply don't care enough.
Now Mary is breaking my heart all over again.
At lunch I sent her a text: "I'm sorry but MY heart belongs to you. I love you."
I felt slightly foolish for sending it, but it's true. She is the only woman I want right now. I feel sad.
Mel's in love with me
Mel contacted me on Sunday night to say she wants us to start seeing each other again. I was surprised to say the least, but I accepted her invitation to go to her place for a glass of wine and a chat.
I mentioned that I was seeing someone else, and I would need to decide whether to stop seeing Becky or to not see Mel again. She was not particularly happy with that, and admitted - for the first time ever - that she loved me and wanted us to be serious. She said that she wants us to get married one day. Whoa!!! Slow down! This is just like before - getting way too intense, way too quickly.
I had arranged to meet Becky on Monday evening to see a movie and go back to my place, so when the next day Mel asked if we could meet for a drink I suggested Tuesday. She accepted then said she wanted to make love to me and so forth. I suggested that she come round to my flat and she immediately accepted.
It occurred to me yesterday morning on the way to work that I have yet to spend a single night in my new flat on my own. Either Becky or Mel have been with me on every night I have spent there. Disgraceful!
We met near London Bridge, had a drink and something to eat, then caught the train back to my place. After giving her the (very) quick tour, we showered together, touching and feeling each others soapy bodies. She stroked my already hard cock, I stroked her already wet (and not with water) labia. We dried off and went to bed to make love like old times. It was good, but I realised that I no longer felt for her the way I once did.
Now, she is giving me an ultimatum - dump Becky or I walk away. So I told her that if forced to choose, it wouldn't be her. But I know she doesn't mean it. She is serious about loving me and does not want to walk away. She wants to see me tomorrow night and all this weekend, and it's getting too intense. I have asked her to back off and let me have some space and time.
I think I need it.
Mary and I spent well over an hour talking on the phone last night. I reiterated my feelings for her, and without making any rash promises, told her that I would like the opportunity to try again with a clean slate. To my utter disappointment she said that her feelings for Neil are growing, that she really loves him and wants to marry him. They have even set a tentative date. She is wearing a ring on her engagement finger.
It hurts. Right now, I would give up both Mel and Becky if she came back.
I mentioned that I was seeing someone else, and I would need to decide whether to stop seeing Becky or to not see Mel again. She was not particularly happy with that, and admitted - for the first time ever - that she loved me and wanted us to be serious. She said that she wants us to get married one day. Whoa!!! Slow down! This is just like before - getting way too intense, way too quickly.
I had arranged to meet Becky on Monday evening to see a movie and go back to my place, so when the next day Mel asked if we could meet for a drink I suggested Tuesday. She accepted then said she wanted to make love to me and so forth. I suggested that she come round to my flat and she immediately accepted.
It occurred to me yesterday morning on the way to work that I have yet to spend a single night in my new flat on my own. Either Becky or Mel have been with me on every night I have spent there. Disgraceful!
We met near London Bridge, had a drink and something to eat, then caught the train back to my place. After giving her the (very) quick tour, we showered together, touching and feeling each others soapy bodies. She stroked my already hard cock, I stroked her already wet (and not with water) labia. We dried off and went to bed to make love like old times. It was good, but I realised that I no longer felt for her the way I once did.
Now, she is giving me an ultimatum - dump Becky or I walk away. So I told her that if forced to choose, it wouldn't be her. But I know she doesn't mean it. She is serious about loving me and does not want to walk away. She wants to see me tomorrow night and all this weekend, and it's getting too intense. I have asked her to back off and let me have some space and time.
I think I need it.
Mary and I spent well over an hour talking on the phone last night. I reiterated my feelings for her, and without making any rash promises, told her that I would like the opportunity to try again with a clean slate. To my utter disappointment she said that her feelings for Neil are growing, that she really loves him and wants to marry him. They have even set a tentative date. She is wearing a ring on her engagement finger.
It hurts. Right now, I would give up both Mel and Becky if she came back.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Quadrangles of Love
Yesterday I went to go and see Mary for the first time since her release.
She has removed the cornrows from her hair and tied back her curls in a plait. She looks good. She says she has put on some weight but I think she looks lovely.
We sat on the sofa and chatted quietly while our son, G, played upstairs. We talked about all the things that went unsaid since she was locked up. About the immediate aftermath of her conviction and sentencing, about relationships with family and friends, about why we said things that perhaps we shouldn't have, or didn't say things that perhaps we should. We talked about the house and the furniture, about things that we need to do and to sort through. We took a couple of the dogs for a walk and we talked about N and his jealousy - he actually texted her while I was there to say he was worried! - and about her relationship with H, the woman she had a fling with in prison.
This is the oddest of love triangles - or is it a quadrangle? N is madly, deeply in love with Mary. She is loving all the attention and adoration she gets from him, but is starting to wonder if, when she says 'I love you' to him, whether she really means it or if it's just that she loves being the centre of his universe.
She still has feelings for me, although it is probably fair to say that it is not the passionate love we once shared. We have both grown older and wiser and so much water has flowed under that particular bridge. She said that, were she to leave N, she would not come straight back to me, nor to anyone else. For a while she would want, for the first time in her life, to be on her own. I think that is a sensible thing to do.
I still have feelings for her. I spent an awful lot of the time yesterday wanting to hold her and kiss her. I still find her very attractive, and the 'New Mary' is very different from the old one. She has, in her own words, grown up during the 107 days she spent behind bars. I find myself liking New Mary a lot - more than I thought I would a few months ago. I feared, you may remember, her coming out angry, bitter and twisted. She is nothing of the sort. She is calm, sane, rational and easy-going. The fact that some serious medication can take a lot of the credit for that is, however, sad. I can't help but feel very guilty about the part I have played in the cause of her pain and stress, although the guilt is obviously not all mine. There is a part of me that wants to try to make up for what I have done; to make things better in any way I can. To be a better husband and father. I wonder if I can do that? I know I would like to try.
On the other hand, I am also developing feelings for Becky. While I do not find her particularly attractive physically, in every other way, she is a wonderful person. I adore her easy-going nature, her light-hearted wit and sparkling demeanour. She seems to be simply a marvellous human being, whom I could easily spend an awful long time with. I have even thought about introducing her to my mother! She is someone I think I could come to love one day.
And then there's H. H is the woman Mary had an unexpected month-long love affair with while inside. I was amazed when Mary showed me a very personal letter that H had written her. In it, H said she missed her 'wife', that Mary was very special to her, that she would love her forever. It was an outpouring of obviously huge love and affection. Mary herself admitted to being very surprised at the depth of H's feelings for her, and also that those feelings were, at least partially, reciprocated. She is not deluding herself that it would be easy or practical to start a serious living-together relationship with a convicted drug trafficker. She is, by her own admission, 'high maintenance'. It would take someone with a decent income - probably more than mine - to make her really happy, and she rightly refuses to live off the proceeds of drug trafficking.
N, of course, still knows nothing of the depth of this relationship, and will almost certainly freak out if he knew. He would certainly not be happy to take Mary to see her lesbian lover. H knows all about N and about me, and much to my surprise, has professed a desire to meet me. I have volunteered to take Mary up to visit her, partly out of curiosity and partly because the idea of spending 8 hours with Mary, 6 of them alone in a car, to be irresistible. She and I are obviously still friends, and to a certain extent, she still trusts me.
I left her place yesterday feeling strangely subdued; sad, even. I cannot put my finger on exactly why. It may be that I was sort of hoping that she would express a desire that we try dating again, that we could kick-start our relationship back up again. That's not to say it won't happen, but it won't happen soon.
First she needs to visit H, spend some time with N, and decide how she really feels about both of them. Then, if she decides that she cannot live with N's jealousy and insecurity, she will probably leave him and live somewhere alone with our son. At that point, she and I will then be able to decide whether we want to get back together again, and how that might work. It will not be easy.
In the meantime, it still hurts when she says she loves him, and it hurts even more when I see the engagement ring on her left hand. A little premature, surely, since we have not even started divorce proceedings yet; and are not even talking about doing so.
In an interesting twist, she phoned me while I was still on the way home to warn me that N said he wanted to have some words with me and that I would shortly be receiving a call. However, no such call came and I am left wondering whether this is another of his psychological games.
She has removed the cornrows from her hair and tied back her curls in a plait. She looks good. She says she has put on some weight but I think she looks lovely.
We sat on the sofa and chatted quietly while our son, G, played upstairs. We talked about all the things that went unsaid since she was locked up. About the immediate aftermath of her conviction and sentencing, about relationships with family and friends, about why we said things that perhaps we shouldn't have, or didn't say things that perhaps we should. We talked about the house and the furniture, about things that we need to do and to sort through. We took a couple of the dogs for a walk and we talked about N and his jealousy - he actually texted her while I was there to say he was worried! - and about her relationship with H, the woman she had a fling with in prison.
This is the oddest of love triangles - or is it a quadrangle? N is madly, deeply in love with Mary. She is loving all the attention and adoration she gets from him, but is starting to wonder if, when she says 'I love you' to him, whether she really means it or if it's just that she loves being the centre of his universe.
She still has feelings for me, although it is probably fair to say that it is not the passionate love we once shared. We have both grown older and wiser and so much water has flowed under that particular bridge. She said that, were she to leave N, she would not come straight back to me, nor to anyone else. For a while she would want, for the first time in her life, to be on her own. I think that is a sensible thing to do.
I still have feelings for her. I spent an awful lot of the time yesterday wanting to hold her and kiss her. I still find her very attractive, and the 'New Mary' is very different from the old one. She has, in her own words, grown up during the 107 days she spent behind bars. I find myself liking New Mary a lot - more than I thought I would a few months ago. I feared, you may remember, her coming out angry, bitter and twisted. She is nothing of the sort. She is calm, sane, rational and easy-going. The fact that some serious medication can take a lot of the credit for that is, however, sad. I can't help but feel very guilty about the part I have played in the cause of her pain and stress, although the guilt is obviously not all mine. There is a part of me that wants to try to make up for what I have done; to make things better in any way I can. To be a better husband and father. I wonder if I can do that? I know I would like to try.
On the other hand, I am also developing feelings for Becky. While I do not find her particularly attractive physically, in every other way, she is a wonderful person. I adore her easy-going nature, her light-hearted wit and sparkling demeanour. She seems to be simply a marvellous human being, whom I could easily spend an awful long time with. I have even thought about introducing her to my mother! She is someone I think I could come to love one day.
And then there's H. H is the woman Mary had an unexpected month-long love affair with while inside. I was amazed when Mary showed me a very personal letter that H had written her. In it, H said she missed her 'wife', that Mary was very special to her, that she would love her forever. It was an outpouring of obviously huge love and affection. Mary herself admitted to being very surprised at the depth of H's feelings for her, and also that those feelings were, at least partially, reciprocated. She is not deluding herself that it would be easy or practical to start a serious living-together relationship with a convicted drug trafficker. She is, by her own admission, 'high maintenance'. It would take someone with a decent income - probably more than mine - to make her really happy, and she rightly refuses to live off the proceeds of drug trafficking.
N, of course, still knows nothing of the depth of this relationship, and will almost certainly freak out if he knew. He would certainly not be happy to take Mary to see her lesbian lover. H knows all about N and about me, and much to my surprise, has professed a desire to meet me. I have volunteered to take Mary up to visit her, partly out of curiosity and partly because the idea of spending 8 hours with Mary, 6 of them alone in a car, to be irresistible. She and I are obviously still friends, and to a certain extent, she still trusts me.
I left her place yesterday feeling strangely subdued; sad, even. I cannot put my finger on exactly why. It may be that I was sort of hoping that she would express a desire that we try dating again, that we could kick-start our relationship back up again. That's not to say it won't happen, but it won't happen soon.
First she needs to visit H, spend some time with N, and decide how she really feels about both of them. Then, if she decides that she cannot live with N's jealousy and insecurity, she will probably leave him and live somewhere alone with our son. At that point, she and I will then be able to decide whether we want to get back together again, and how that might work. It will not be easy.
In the meantime, it still hurts when she says she loves him, and it hurts even more when I see the engagement ring on her left hand. A little premature, surely, since we have not even started divorce proceedings yet; and are not even talking about doing so.
In an interesting twist, she phoned me while I was still on the way home to warn me that N said he wanted to have some words with me and that I would shortly be receiving a call. However, no such call came and I am left wondering whether this is another of his psychological games.
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