Fear and Trepidation

I spent most of Friday in an emotional mess. Susie had told me about her ex leaving his girlfriend, that this time it looked serious. I woke up seriously worried that I had seen the last of her. I felt sad, depressed, lonely.

Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"

I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"

"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"

"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."

I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.

"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"

There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!

Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"

Phew!

Then the inevitable response arrived by email:

"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.

Me x x "

I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.

Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"

"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.

I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "

I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.