Friends

Out of the blue, and against expectations, Susie sent me a text on Tuesday evening asking what I had in mind for Wednesday evening. It seems she had decided to make some time to get out after all. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was.

The next morning I got up early, put on my best suit and made sure I looked my best. Then on the way to work, she sent me another text saying she had to cancel as she was unwell.

It's the let-down that makes us so disappointed, isn't it. I spent all yesterday feeling miserable. I shouldn't feel so strongly about someone I have only met once, but there you have it - I do.

Then came the bombshell. When I got home she had sent me an email explaining that she still loves her husband. Although he said he's not coming back, she still has strong feelings for him and is not ready for a relationship at the moment. She still wants to be friends, and I know I'd like that, but I know I want more than that. This woman ticks all the boxes, and then some.

I will therefore be patient. I will be her friend, and when she IS ready for a relationship, I will be there for her. There is a little voice within me, though, that is afraid we will never be a couple.

I wish this emotional roller-coaster would stop; I want to get off.

Lies, lies and more lies

After our flaming row last night, I called Mary this morning. I started off by apologising, then went on to confirm the arrangements she had proposed on the voice messages she had left me while my phone was turned off last night (while I was trying to calm down).

It was, once again, an amicable conversation. Why is it that she has to be such a different person when he is around? If she cannot be honest with him now, what chance have they got in the future? She obviously hadn't told him that she'd given me her mobile number (she changed it last night), hadn't told him that we had met for lunch a couple of weeks ago, and presumably she won't tell him about the finer points of our conversation today either.

She has already given me her new mobile number, and we have agreed to meet just before Christmas to swap presents. Not sure what I am getting her, but I will be going shopping on the weekend for something nice.

Custody arrangements

Mary and I have long been able to resolve the minor issues of custody arrangements with a simple phone call. One of us will usually call the other and, after the usual pleasantries, explain that something has come up that means the schedule needs to change. We swap weekends around and everything is back to normal.

Until today.

A while ago - probably in September - Mary and I arranged that G would spend Christmas with her. She also wanted to go away for New Year, so I agreed to that too, provided G could spend a few days with me in between. She agreed to that. I even ran through the scenario of when I would pick him up and when I would drop him off again.

The on the way home tonight, I received a text message. Not from her, from him - yes, her partner N. He said that they had spoken to G and arranged to go up north this weekend (as they did last weekend) and G wanted to go with them. If he had asked, I might have readily agreed but he was dictating, so I didn't. He went on to 'inform me' that they had arranged to go on holiday from Christmas eve until New Years Day and G would be going with them. Then he had the audacity to 'remind' me that 'his' home phone was only to contact G!!

At that point I lost it completely.

I replied thus:

1) custody arrangements are made between Mary and me, not him.
2) we have an arrangement that G comes to me between Xmas and New Year.
3) Mary had asked me to contact her via the home phone since the mobile signal at the house is poor.

I phoned her number, and guess what? She picked up but I heard her say "I don't know how he got this number" and rang off! Can you believe it!?

Then my phone rang - it was his number, so I ignored it. I was livid! Then it rang again. And again. Finally I picked up and Mary came on. We had a stinking row during which she said:
1) the arrangement we had made earlier was "tentative and not cast in concrete".
2) that N texted me on her behalf
3) that she had not given me her phone number....

I called her a lying bitch and at that point the whole thing broke down into a shouting match, ending when I said I would call her and G tomorrow. I switched my phone off but she left voice messages. I know that when I listen to them I am going to get angry again, and then I won't sleep.

My pulse is still racing.

Hopes and fears for a new relationship

Susie sent me an email yesterday, which said (inter alia):

"My feeling is that you and I got on really well. Yes, I would like to see you again - I think we have both made that one clear... As for where we will end up, I don't know. I am clear after last night that "dating" is exceptionally hard. I am not sure if I am ready for another relationship at present - only time will tell. I do not want to lead anyone on or make any promises. I think I will have to take things quite slowly. I can see you and I becoming good friends if nothing else. "Great" I hear you say sarcastically "another friend"! Hey, I am not saying that is what will happen it is just I don't know my own mind at the moment. I hope you understand."

Yes, I am thinking "Great, another friend!" I can seriously see this woman as much more than a friend, and I am already worrying about the fact that she lives in North-east London, and I live in the nether regions of Surrey. Our work and personal schedules will make it difficult to see each other on a regular basis, and I am afraid that my hopes for this relationship are a) greater than her present needs, and b) doomed to be nothing more than hopes dashed by the inconvenience of our respective locations.

Could I relocate for her? Yes, quite possibly. OMG, did I just say that out loud?

Susie

We arranged to meet at Liverpool Street station. When she suggested MacDonald's I got a little concerned but I needn't have worried - it was suggested as a landmark not as a suitable venue for a first date.

Susie stands 5'1" tall, so when I saw a short blonde woman, neatly and conservatively dressed in black slacks, woolly jumper and dark coat (it was really chilly last night) reaching for her phone, I knew it was her and approached.

"Colin?"

"Susie," I replied.

She smiled. "You look nothing like your photograph."

"And I had no idea what to expect," I said, since her profile has no picture.

She suggested we walk down to Shoreditch to find somewhere nice for dinner, so we started off in what turned out to be the wrong direction. About half an hour later, with the assistance of a helpful taxi driver, we eventually found somewhere suitable to have dinner.

We ordered glasses of water and shish kebabs and started chatting about.... everything. We covered our respective separations and ex-spouses, kids, animals, cookware, travel, work, Princess Di, terrorism, sex, drugs.... you name it. My dinner got cold, but I didn't care. I was having dinner with an attractive 38-year old woman who is also intelligent, funny, doesn't smoke and doesn't like pets. We even share a penchant for Twinings Earl Grey tea. I was enjoying myself from the moment we set off from the station, but the more we talked (and talked and talked), the more comfortable, relaxed and happy I felt. With her permission, I took a picture of her on my phone but it in no way does her justice. She is absolutely lovely.

Downside? Um....

By the time my bum got sore and the level of background noise had subsided substantially, I looked at my watch - it was nearly midnight. We had been sitting there for about 5 hours!! It was one of the longest dinner dates I have ever had. And almost definitely the most enjoyable.

We walked back to Liverpool Street together, and after a little deliberation, I offered her my arm. To my delight she confessed that she had been considering taking it before I offered but had decided against it. Then we started communicating non-verbally - a gentle tug on my arm meant 'don't cross the road right now, the lights just changed and there are cars coming', a quick flick of the finger meant 'I think we turn right here'. I was delighted.

At Liverpool Street, we stopped at the barrier to the platform where her train was waiting. We agreed it had been a lovely evening, and we wanted to see each other again soon. I kissed her delicately on the lips, briefly, not lingering too long. Then I kissed her forehead, and instantly regretted it. What sort of message did that convey?

I got the last tube back to London Bridge but had missed the last train home. Spending twenty minutes standing in a queue of drunk people while stone cold sober at 1 a.m. in late November is no fun, but eventually one cabbie asked if anyone was going south-east. I told him where I wanted to go. He paused for a second then said, "Come on then," and set the meter running.

We talked about drunken revellers, the fact that I was still sober (and why - needing to drive home from where I had left my car at work), and about my first date. Why was I telling a cabbie about my evening, I wondered. The answer was obvious - I had enjoyed a wonderful evening with a fabulous lady, and I was happy.

When I picked up my car I switched from the radio to a CD and while driving quickly along deserted country roads, headlights on full-beam, I sang along joyously to Pat Benatar:

"Oh sweet redeemer
Will you save a place for me
I am tired and I'm seeking restitution.
Oh, will you heal me
Will you take away my pain
What I'm looking for is absolution."

I crawled into bed at 2:30 a.m. this morning, exhausted but cautiously excited. She had sent me a text while on her way home - "thank you for an enchanting evening. Susie X" I have locked it in my phone so I don't delete it.

Only one thing for it

When you feel bored and alone, as I do today, there's only one thing for it - make some new friends. So I went onto my current dating site and contacted two lovely ladies. One has already responded. No picture but she sounds really nice, so fingers crossed.

Pink

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever. Who knew?

Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've go to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'Cause its gonna be a long long way to happy.

- Pink

I am just a friend

Mary and I had lunch yesterday. For the first time in almost 6 months, we were alone together. We could talk. I woke up early yesterday morning, excited to be going to see her again, excited by the prospect that maybe, just maybe, she might be reconsidering her current relationship and wondering whether she and I should get back together again.

When we had finished our sandwiches and coffee, she announced that she still could not really trust me and that, if I were honest, I didn't trust her either. She said she and N trusted each other completely, and that he gave her butterflies in her stomach when she saw him. But that I no longer did. In other words, the purpose of meeting me yesterday was just to find out how she felt about me. And now she knew.

She said she was going to be completely honest with N from now on - he didn't like us talking so she has been keeping our conversations secret. She said that she was going to commit 100% to him and that there was no chance of us ever living together again. She saw me now as nothing more than a friend.

I feel like the rug has been whipped from under my feet again. I suddenly feel so incredibly lonely.

I value having her as a friend, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to be friends with someone I still regard as my wife, with whom I spent so many years deeply in love.

I want to wake up with someone again on a regular basis. I want to come home and say "Hi, honey, I'm home". I want to cook and eat dinner with someone, go to the movies with someone and spend lazy Sunday mornings making long slow love with someone I really care about.

But I have no-one. And I miss all that.

Trapped

I got a most unusual text message on Saturday morning - it was from Mary, asking if I could stop round her place for a coffee and a chat before picking up my son. It was unusual because it was from her own phone. Up to now she has been sending me business-like texts from N's phone. This was a first. Unfortunately I didn't think we had time as I had arranged to take G into London to the Natural History Museum. As it turned out, he had been up late the night before, and was too tired to spend the day walking around museums.

I was disappointed that we were not going out, but also because I had missed an opportunity to sit and chat with Mary.

Then yesterday I got violently ill. I assume food poisoning but G was fine so I am not sure what caused it. I called her to ask if she would come and pick up G from my place. After a moment she replied that N could not come. She did not explain why.

She contacted me again this morning to apologise. She explained that N still carries a grudge against me. She is unsure of her relationship with N, but feels trapped. He has already arranged to repay some of the money she stole and is now being pursued by a confiscation order. She obviously feels indebted to him, but she is no longer sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I told her that I still love her, that I would take her back. She didn't laugh at the notion, but she did say that we have a lot of issues and asked could we really overcome them.

I have mixed feelings on the matter.

On the one hand I am pleased that she is not 100% sure of her relationship with her toy boy. I am also pleased that she is at least thinking about me. If nothing else, she is taking me up on my offer to be there for her as a friend.

On the other hand, if I think about it logically, what do I now have to offer her? She wants to live in a nice house with all her dogs around her, and I cannot stand to have a house full of smelly, yapping mutts. She needs to repay over £12,000 that neither she nor I can afford.

I feel like my heart and mind are at war. My heart says I love her still and want nothing more than to bring her back into my life for good. My head says that I have no way of getting her out of her current mess and even if I did, we could not arrive at an arrangement that would suit both of us.

How did we fuck up our lives so badly?

Planning

I read in the news that Benazir Bhutto tried unsuccessfully to break
through a police cordon around her villa in Islamabad today. Quite why she
was taking on an armoured personnel carrier in the first place I could not
imagine, until I read that she "got out of her bulletproof (ah!)
Landcruiser, grabbed a megaphone and launched into a tirade against
President Musharraf". Ah-ha! Now it makes sense. In preparing for her
desperate flight to freedom, she remembered to pack a megaphone, just in
case the bid failed. Now that's planning!

Feeling guilty

I tried to work from home yesterday and will be doing the same today. By working, I mean dialling in to conference calls, which is how most of our meetings are conducted these days. Considering that about 60% of my daily effort is spent on the phone and the rest on email, I figure can be 60% productive from home as long as I have everyone's phone numbers.

While sitting at my desk yesterday, phone in one hand I received an email from Elaine. I haven't mentioned Elaine here before, but I contacted her some time ago and we corresponded quite regularly for a couple of weeks. Then about a month ago, her replies stopped coming. I waited a few more days then sent another note asking what it was I has said that caused her to stop writing, and that I was giving up. I forgot about her. Until yesterday. Apparently she has been very ill and in hospital for three weeks. I felt really guilty for what I had said, but at least we are back in touch.

I have no idea what she looks like as she didn't publish a photograph. All I know is that she is short. As for the rest, it will hopefully be a nice surprise.

Mel - a recurring theme

Mel contacted me again yesterday. She sent an email to my work address. It was just like numerous others she has sent after our previous break-ups - she waits a few weeks then when she starts missing me or something, she sends me a one-liner :

"Hope you are okay."

We exchanged emails for the rest of the day. She is still in the same financial trouble she was in a month or more ago and once again, she would like to see me again.

Deja vu. I know exactly how this will go. I will arrange to meet her in a pub near London Bridge after work. We will have a drink and she will tell me she still loves me and wants to stay in touch. I will tell her that my feelings haven't changed and I want to see her again too. She will also of course say that she's not ready for a relationship, as she has too many things to 'sort out'. She won't agree to spend the night with me, but will want to stay friends. I will go home alone, disappointed again.

That's exactly the way it happened last time, and I have no doubt that's the way it will happen this time too. I am not sure I can be just her friend; I like her for her body - we had some great sex, and I still fantasize about some of the times we spent naked and the unfulfilled fantasies we shared with each other. I would love to make some of those come true but I can only do that if she wants a relationship and is prepared to spend at least some nights with me on a regular basis.

So do I meet her or not?

More sick days.

G and I had a great time at the MPH show in Earl's Court, London. We came home tired but content. Later that evening, G came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was a completely natural, unrehearsed and unprovoked show of genuine affection. There have been too few of those this year, but it made my entire weekend.

Although I bravely went into work on Friday and Monday, I took today off because I have still not got over my cold. At work I am at a stage where I spend most of my time waiting for emails to come in. I am not really needed in the office most of the time. So I decided to note down my meeting times and dialled in to them from home, successfully accomplishing very nearly what I would have had I been at work. I am feeling better this afternoon than I was earlier, so I am again contemplating going back into work tomorrow. I'll see how I feel in the morning.

I have made arrangements however, to go to L's tomorrow for take-away dinner with her, her daughter and the daughter's friend. I am expected to bring a change of clothes so that I can go straight in to work the next morning.

Sickie

I am being punished.

You see, earlier in the week, I pulled a sickie. I wasn't really ill, although I did not feel 100% right either. I seriously did not feel like work, though. I took two days off. I stayed at home, doing very little except drink tea and watch dvds. Mostly. I did go out on Wednesday afternoon, but more of that another time.

So how am I being punished?

I have a cold. My nose is blocked, by throat is sore and I know it will get worse before it gets better. To make matters worse, my son is with me this weekend, and I have two tickets to the MPH show for tomorrow.