The End of a Marriage

Jealousy and Insecurity

2008-06-29T15:09:00.003Z

I haven't posted anything here for some time now. A lot has happened since I last wrote here, but I am not about to bring this blog up to date right now. This post is simply a rant on the subject of jealousy.

Jealousy is one of the original twelve deadly sins, and I have recently been reminded of how destructive it can be.

A very good female friend of mine has fallen for a really nice guy. It has been one of those situations where two people just 'click' and there is instant chemistry. She texted me after their first date to say "I'm in Love". I was thrilled for her, because she so deserves someone to make her happy. She has so much to give, and is such a loveable person, but she has had a lousy last few years, having experienced too much tragedy for any one person. This, I thought, was potentially the start of a new and happier chapter in her life.

Then last night we met for a dinner and a drink, and while sitting in the cool evening air outside her local pub, we talked about love and relationships. Her man - we'll call him Mike - has started asking her where she is and what she is doing. All the time. He seems to be so insecure that he cannot stand not knowing where she is and what she is doing every minute of the day. He was apparently not happy that she was meeting one of her male friends for dinner, for example.

My friend was really sad about this. She, like many people these days, has a number of friends of the opposite sex. She doesn't sleep with them; they are just friends. She values these relationships, and does not want to give up any of them. And why should she? But that seems to be what Mike is expecting her to do.

He appears to not trust her to be faithful, even in the most innocent of situations. If he is so insecure this early in the relationship, she fears that it can only get worse; that she will be, in effect, his exclusive 'property', that she will eventually have no life of her own. And this she will not tolerate. When later on, I told her that I was on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend, she said that in a few months we might be back at the same pub having the same conversation about her relationship. She is that concerned. She is seriously considering ending the relationship if this behaviour continues.

She is an honest and trustworthy person of the highest integrity. And she deserves to be trusted and respected as well as loved. Mike, the tighter you grip, the more she will slip through your fingers.

End of rant.

Reminders

2008-02-25T19:23:00.003Z

Having dropped Vicky at the station this morning, my thoughts turned almost immediately back to Susie. I wondered if she had gone away for the weekend with her sister as she had planned, and whether she was any less stressed now that we had stopped communicating.

I had, if truth be told, been thinking about her at odd moments all weekend. Even while sitting on the sofa watching tv, my hands caressing Vicky's bare legs, there would be programmes, characters or adverts that would make me think of Susie. The worst time was Saturday when we went to see a movie. Her choice was 'Over Her Dead Body' with Eva Longoria Parker. It was a film that Susie and I wanted to see together. I felt sad that I had gone with the wrong person.

This morning, I checked my emails for the first time since Friday hoping to see a message from her. Nada. I was sorely tempted to send her a message simply saying that I hope she enjoyed the weekend away with her sister. But it’s too soon.

My birthday is coming up later this week. I know she wrote the date in her diary, but I am constantly wondering whether she will send me a card, or even an email. At least that way, I know she still wants to stay in touch. What if she doesn’t though? Do I contact her? No, it’s too soon. But when will it not be too soon? I still can’t forget about her, and although I am slowly coming to realise how she feels about me, I still harbour hopes that one day we will be together.

Period

2008-02-25T19:13:00.003Z

It was touch-and-go whether Vicky was going to come for the weekend. Two days beforehand she reported a case of thrush, and then on the day she said her period had started. We both knew that spending an entire weekend together without being able to get physical would be torture, but I encouraged her to come because I did not fancy the idea of spending the weekend on my own thinking about Susie. By the time she arrived, however, the thrush had cleared and I am not averse to a little good clean blood. Then she caught a head cold.

From a health perspective, she probably thinks it was a weekend to forget, but we did have a very enjoyable time on Friday evening, though. We went out shopping on Saturday morning, had lunch and saw a movie in the afternoon followed by another session that night, and another on Sunday morning. Now I need to wash the blood off the towels we laid across the bed.

This morning, her head cold was even worse, and may even be flu, so she was very tempted to spend the day in bed. I suggested she did exactly that, but in the end she decided to go. I took her back to the station this morning and before getting out of the car, she kissed me fiercely. A short time later, a text message arrived
"I'm on the train now, but really do wish I wasn't. It was hard to leave you today."

Around lunch time came this one:
"I'm having the day off after all coz I was feeling so bad. I wish I hadn't come home."

It is certainly nice to be appreciated and... well, loved like that. And it would have been comforting to know that she was waiting for me to come home. But she is still, after all, a virtual stranger and it would also have felt very odd having her all alone in my flat all day.

Love

2008-02-21T22:36:00.003Z

I have just found the following quote on another blog, which I will not link to since I don't really want the publicity (and I will have to write explaining that some time soon to).

"The quickest way to receive love is to give it;
the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
the best way to keep love is to give it wings."

Needless to say that I thought instantly of Susie. Perhaps I will put this in an email to her some day.

Submissive

2008-02-21T22:05:00.004Z

As we so often do, Vicky and I were chatting on IM last night, when she said something really interesting. We were talking about how she is thinking about getting a new job, when at 8:34 p.m. she typed:

"oh by the way can i be your sex slave"

To say I was taken aback would be an understatement! Bear in mind that this woman and I have known each other less than a month, we have seen each other twice, although on each occasion it was for an entire weekend. But to come out with something like that so early in a relationship is pretty amazing!

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

"I'm inclined to say Yes, but perhaps you should explain first..."

"i would like to dress up for you in a sexy outfit (maids?) and be kept to have sex with you anywhere and everywhere you feel like taking me and making me yours!!"

"Is that something you have done before?"

"no"

"but it's a fantasy?"

"yes"

"and you want to make it come true".
That was not a question.

"yep"

"you trust me that much?"

"of course"

"what is it about this that appeals to you?"

"well its a milder form of control and the thought of being kept and fucked by someone i trust whenever is a turn on"

I wondered just how seriously she wanted to take this. Was it something that she wanted to try for an hour or two to see if she liked it, or was this a lifestyle choice she was making?
"Hmm. So you would like this to be for a whole day or longer?"

"day and night would be nice. woken up to find you having your wicked way with me a few times would be lovely"

We spent the next hour talking about sexual positions, what turned us on, being tied up, domination, outfits etc. etc. It was Hot!

She likes the idea of bondage, and has twice said that she likes being spanked, but she hasn't mentioned being humiliated or punished in any way. I suspect that she is turned on simply by the idea of being completely submissive, but only in a sexually situation. I don't think her fantasy goes beyond being sexually 'used' but no more than that. It's purely a role-play thing.

We are going to have to work out the boundaries and how it would work before we actually indulge, so we will talk about it this weekend and maybe experiment a little the next time we meet. I am, however, already thinking of scenarios.

Dirty weekend

2008-02-20T18:23:00.002Z

When I told Vicky that Susie and I were not going to have a relationship, she said she was relieved as she no longer needed to make the decision as to whether or not to see me. I think she understands that I am gutted about losing Susie, but is so pleased that it has happened that she is catching a train up here to be with me for the weekend.

I considered saying no, but in truth I need her to take my mind off Susie. And maybe, just maybe, we can begin to connect on a level other than a sexual one.

Goodbye. For now?

2008-02-20T18:15:00.002Z

It became clear over the weekend that Susie has been getting more and more stressed lately.

"You are a serious numpty for falling in love with me in the first place!! Yes, I do think this is stress and I do think that the situation between us is adding to it. You alone are not adding to it, so don't take the blame."

I have (VERY) reluctantly decided to step back and leave her alone. At least for now. I sent this:

"Okay, I get the message. I am terribly sorry for the hurt I am causing you and it is clear that I must back off and leave you alone.
I thought I was close to understanding what stood in the way but I obviously don't. You are so very special to me and I will love you forever. I will always hope that one day I will hear from you again.
In the meantime, I wish you all the happiness that apparently I could not give you.
Yours Till the End"

Her reply:
"Thank you for your messages. I am sorry, but I do need the space. I need to consider my future at the moment and there are too many people making demands on my time and brain.
Stay well
Love, Me x "

I know I will contact her again some day, if she does not contact me first. My problem lies in NOT contacting her now. I still think about her all the time. I have more or less accepted that we are unlikely to ever have the relationship I want, but I have not given up hope entirely.

There is always the possibility that I am one day able to accept her as just a friend, but I know that at the moment if we were to see each other as friends, I would continue asking why we are not lovers. It would push her further away.

I wonder if she will remember my birthday, and whether I will hear from her then. It's only next week, so it's a bit soon, but if I do, I will thank her nicely and stay cool.

God, I miss her, though!!!

I am in mourning!

2008-02-17T21:45:00.005Z

I am absolutely gutted! I feel similar to the way I did when my wife said she wanted a divorce, worse than I did when my first love said she was moving on. Susie said she could not go on 'doing this' to me.

First, in response to an email I sent her, she said
"How I wish you didn't love me! You are just so lovely".
That was the warning shot.

I replied: "Saying you wish I didn't love you is tantamount to saying you don't love me. But I know that's not the case. Ask yourself this - why are you compelled to keep in touch with me? Why do you keep calling me Darling? Why do you feel unloved when I don't email you for a while?
Are you keeping me in reserve for a time when your feelings change?"

Then came the end:
"Maybe I am keeping you in reserve - who knows? Thing is, that is not a way to treat another human being AND I am fast coming to the conclusion that is the way I have been treated for the last two years by my ex. I am seriously considering ending it with him for good today and that makes me very, very unhappy. I am simply not prepared to do this to you anymore. You are a decent and lovely and great guy. If I do not feel the things for you that you feel for me at this stage, I am not ever likely to feel them. That is NOT a good basis for a relationship. I cannot and will not do this anymore. I am so very sorry. This has to stop - here."

We spoke briefly on the phone. She admitted to being in tears for most of the day, partly about her ex, partly about me. She repeated all the nice things she has said before but her bottom line is that she simply does not feel the spark necessary for a relationship. She wanted to have me as a friend for the rest of her life, but felt (correctly) that I cannot just be her friend.

I feel like I am in mourning. They say there are five stages to going through grief -

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I am definitely in Denial at the moment. If I had a sat-nav, I would have gone round to her house tonight, just to see her and hold her in my arms. I wish I could understand what she is feeling, but I don't. There is definitely more in her heart for me than just friendship. Definitely! Do I wait for her?

"But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy" - Pink

"I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy"
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you" - Richard Marx

Waiting for a decision

2008-02-16T22:53:00.002Z

It has been 36 hours and she is still thinking about it. To be fair she has emailed to say she has a hangover this morning and she has guests for the weekend, so pergaps not a lot of thinking is going on.

On the other hand she did send me her top ten list of reasons "why you shouldn't like me and why I would make a dreadful partner:"

1. I dunk chocolate in tea
2. I don't like noise first thing in the morning
3. I am very high maintenance when it comes to attention
4. I am very fussy about the way cleaning is done
5. I don't iron very well and I don't really like cooking
6. I have a lot of male friends
7. I have lots of shoes and would probably buy many more
8. I hardly ever watch television
9. I don't like parties
10. I'm not a natural blonde!

Can you see any problem with those? No, I couldn't either. I am cautiously hopeful, but also aware that if she now says No, I could be in for an even bigger let-down.

Fear and Trepidation

2008-02-16T12:50:00.004Z

I spent most of Friday in an emotional mess. Susie had told me about her ex leaving his girlfriend, that this time it looked serious. I woke up seriously worried that I had seen the last of her. I felt sad, depressed, lonely.

Susie and I were exchanging platonic emails about ordinary stuff when suddenly she asked, "You don't seem your usual chirpy self. Are you ok?"

I replied immediately, "Not really, no." Then followed it up with "I have written you a number of emails explaining how I am feeling, but sent none of them. I just can't right now.
Love,
x x x x x x x x x x x x x"

"Send them when you can. Love, Me xxxx"

"Most have been deleted. I have one in my Drafts folder that I wrote last night, but I can't bring myself to send it. I am mostly feeling massively depressed at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Vicky. I wish I could sit down with you and talk, but I'm not sure I can trust myself to do that very well either."

I spent some time reading over the draft, and whenever I did I could feel tears coming into my eyes. I was trembling with trepidation. I was scared of sending my deepest thoughts to her, but even more scared of the effect that my email would have on her. I just knew she would want to run away and leave me.

"Darling, Please, just send. I PROMISE I will not think badly of you.
xxxxx"

There was that word again. Had she no idea of how she was affecting me by calling me Darling?!

Finally, I sent it. You can read the full text here. I then went to get lunch, and tried to mentally prepare myself for her reaction. I was petrified that she would - for my own good - leave me forever. While I was out I got a text message from her. Instead of opening it, I put the phone straight back down again. I was not prepared for her rejection. Not yet. After about 10 agonising minutes, I opened it. "SEND IT!"

Phew!

Then the inevitable response arrived by email:

"I wanted to acknowledge that I have received your e-mail and read it again and again. I will have to think about it. I cannot bear the fact that I am having this effect on another human being. It makes me feel dreadful. Maybe the best thing to do is to leave your life forever and that way it kills any further uncertainty. I just don't know at this moment.

Me x x "

I very nearly burst into tears. There was no more use of the term 'Darling', no more 'Love'. Very matter-of-fact, almost business-like. And the predictable reaction to leave my life forever. I felt gutted!! I wanted to run away myself. I wanted to jump off the roof, or crash my car off a cliff.

Instead I urged her to "please don't make any decisions based on what you think is best for me. I want to know what you want. Ok?"

"I understand. x" She replied. All the fondness and intimacy had gone from her tone. If anything I felt even more lonely and depressed.

I await her decision. As I write this, I am almost dreading getting an email from her. Already this morning, she has sent me one telling me about her hangover, and the fact that my rose arrived. Encouragingly she said "It is so beautiful and the card is fantastic. I just don't know what to say.
THANK YOU.
x x x "

I am clinging to the hope that the longer she delays making her decision, the better the chances that she finds in my favour. But the odds are long. I am, however, thinking about her constantly, and am sorely tempted to text her. But she has guests this weekend, so I am going to keep my thoughts to myself and wait until she contacts me.

Vicky - The end?

2008-02-16T12:19:00.003Z

Vicky and I met up on MSN again on Thursday evening - Valentine's day - for a chat. She had received the rose I sent her and was thrilled. Her personal message on MSN had been changed to "Yippee, Valentine's Day is here.". Something in what I was writing to her though, piqued her curiosity and she asked me what was wrong. I am so transparent.

I said it was complicated; too complicated to chat about on MSN. So she called. I told her about Susie and my feelings for her, and as I suspected, Vicky started crying. I felt horrible (not for the first time). I simply hate hurting people, and I seem to keep doing it.

At least she didn't start swearing and calling me names like Becky did (I never did describe our break-up did I? I will have to post about that some time).

The next day, I checked emails to find one from her. It was a long one, filled with questions. What did I feel for her? Was Susie still on the scene? What was I offering her in relationship terms? Could I commit in the future? etc etc.

It took me nearly an hour, but I composed an equally lengthy reply . Basically, I said that I would be happy to have a casual relationship with her, because I could not (yet) commit to a long-term relationship with her. I was not, however, completely honest. I said that, if Susie were to go back to her ex, I would have to try to forget her and move on, and then we could see how far our relationship could develop. In truth, I see no long-term future for us. We are too different. The truth is that the sex is fantastic, and for now, that's enough for me.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T21:47:00.005Z

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I have sent a single red rose to Vicky and another to Susie. The messages, however, are completely different.

To Vicky I sent "Happy Valentines Day - our first!" with kisses.

To Susie I sent "I will Love You Till The End" - a reference to 'our' song, the Pogues tune that was the theme to the movie 'P.S. I love you' which was the last film we saw together on our last date.

But it's Valentine's day and I am alone.

That's not all that unusual. I'm sure there are millions of people out there who are home alone tonight. But how many of them are in love with someone? And how many have someone who apparently loves them?

Well, I have both, and I am still alone. Go figure!

The woman I love is spending the evening with her best friend - a fireman no less. And the woman who apparently is falling for me is at her home 80 miles away. It's just too inconvenient to see her for a single evening. So as I write this we are having a conversation on Live Messenger. How sad is that?

I have decided that, before Vicky and I go any further, I need to tell her about my feelings for Susie. It wouldn't be fair not to.

Letter to Susie

2008-02-14T21:45:00.002Z

My darling Susie,

I am dying here, my love. I am so in love with you it hurts. I spend every waking moment thinking about you, hoping to get an email or a text message from you. A phone conversation is like winning the lottery. I hang on your every word, hoping desperately for some good news; any nugget of hope that you are moving closer to wanting me the way I want you. Every day I swing between bouts of euphoria and despair, depending on the nature of our most recent exchange.

I feel like I am being swirled around in storm-swelled rapids. I am not strong enough to beat the current and escape, but if I do nothing I will surely drown. Sometimes I feel like I am mere days away from being with you for real, and at other times I feel like you will forever be expressing your love for me, but your greater love for someone else. With the husband 'hurdle' successfully vaulted, I am now confronted with your ex-lover, who you are also in love with. How long will it be before you get over him? Will you ever? And even if you do, it is by no means certain that you would want to be with me. It is the uncertainty that I am having so much trouble with.

Your current uncertainty about whether you want a relationship at all makes this even more difficult. I know you don't understand yourself what you feel, but women are supposed to know how they feel; men are supposed to be the logical ones. I particularly like logic- it's necessary in my job, but when 99% of everything you say to me leads me to one obvious conclusion, and yet we still did not spend last night in each others arms, all logic disappears.

How can you say you love me, call me Darling and Perfect Husband Material and yet not want to be with me?

My darling, I need to know where I stand. I am not your boyfriend, and I am not really being a very good friend. I am finding it very difficult coping with the emotional roller-coaster that is your life. I am completely at the mercy of your feelings. With your ex now presumably back in your life, it has been even worse. I feel like you are being torn from my clutching fingers, no matter what he does and I can't bear it!

I am increasingly getting the impression that, despite still calling me a 'prospective partner', you will never really want a proper relationship with me. Am I wrong? The worst part of all is that you have never even wanted to TRY! Surely that would be the only way to tell for certain whether it could work or not? Remember telling me that you would once have given up everything for your ex, that he was the love of your life? Do not think for one minute that I love you any less than that, and writing this is tearing me apart.

I'm sure that this is not really coherent, but I don't know how better to say it. Do I have any REAL hope at all? I either need something to cling on to - a reason to carry on - or I need to just sink. The reason I have been so reluctant to send you this email (or any others like it) is that I suspect your reaction will be to say goodbye.

I will Love You Till The End
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x
x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Telephone relationship

2008-02-13T20:57:00.005Z

Susie and I spoke on the phone again this evening. It seems I got my wish. She did plan to go to France with A, her ex-lover, but said that the opportunity to go away with him has now passed. They have spent some time together and he is, apparently, more attentive, more caring. And I am more jealous.... He has still not left his long-term girlfriend, however. So there is hope.

I said that, because she still loves him and is still contemplating a relationship with him, even if she and I were together, I was worried that the two of them would have an affair - why not, she's done it before? She said adamantly that she would not do that once she made the decision to commit to another relationship.

However, in contrast to her earlier statement, she is now not sure she wants a relationship at all, because she says, she is afraid of getting hurt. Considering that, while speaking to a friend recently, she referred to me as "perfect husband material", you can understand my confusion as to why she would not want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

She is clearly very confused. I keep wanting to try to clear things up whenever I talk to her, but it just makes things worse. I keep wanting to convince her that a relationship with me would be right, but the more I try, the more I feel I am making things worse. In this, I am my own worst enemy. If I am not careful, I will drive her away for ever. I couldn't bear that.

This is becoming really difficult. Not that it wasn't before; it's just that I cannot confidently see a resolution that I will be happy with. I don't see our relationship progressing. Despite all the wonderful things she says and the apparent logic of us being together, her feelings cannot be denied, and I have no idea how long I may have to wait. That, I suppose, is why she suggested we stop seeing each other in the first place.

Vicky - second date

2008-02-10T18:53:00.002Z

After work on Friday, I drove down to the coast to see Vicky. I checked into a Premier Inn and then went to meet her after work. Knowing I was coming, she had changed into a deep-cut blouse, very short skirt and hold-up stockings.

We got back to the hotel and it wasn't long before I discovered that she was wearing nothing beneath the skirt! We wasted no time getting naked.

The next morning, I woke her up with a finger along her slit, and when she started pushing back towards me, I guided my cock inside her and we had sex for the second time that weekend.

Later, after a full English breakfast, we went out to the dockside and walked around the shops, bars and restaurants for a while. We stopped for tea and cake and then walked some more. It was a beautiful late-winter day, with clear blue skies and the gentlest of sea breezes.

At lunchtime, we went back to the hotel.
"Would you like to have a quick nap or make love?" I asked.
"Both."
Afterwards, lying spoon-fashion, she clutched my hand to her breast and said,
"I've never done that before."
"Done what?"
"Made love"
Since she had two sons, that didn't make sense, so I said nothing.
"I have had loads of sex," she said, "but I have never made love. But that's what we do."

I had no idea what to say to that.

We slept until five, then went out to the local shopping centre for dinner and a movie. We discovered possibly the most delightful Italian restaurant I have ever been to. A delicious Chianti accompanied some divine Scalopini di Vitella for me and a delicate Sea Bream for Vicky. Our hunger sated, we went into the cinema to see the second in the 'National Treasure' series. It was pretty good, but if you've seen the first, it offers nothing new.

Back to the hotel again, we had no sooner closed the room door than we were again in each others arms. Session 3 of the day.

This morning, after what felt like a restless night, I awoke to find Vicky stroking my cock erect. It didn't take more than a few seconds and she slid on top of me. Guiding my cock inside her, she sat astride me and rocked her hips. I was so deep inside her, I could feel the tip of my glans nudging up against her cervix. In a few minutes she was groaning in orgasm, and she collapsed on top of me.

It wasn't long before she was moving her hips again, and gently sliding up and down my shaft. This time I was astonished to feel a splash of warm fluid flow down the underside of my penis, down the crack of my bum-cheeks and soak into the bed sheets. I have never met anyone who could do that before!

I left before lunchtime and took the scenic route home. It gave me time to think. I had, as on the first occasion, spent a lot of time thinking not of Vicky, but of Susie - on one occasion while fucking Vicky! I frequently wondered what Susie was doing, or wished that she was the one beside me (or outside me).

Vicky and I are talking about getting together again in a fortnight. This time, she will come to stay with me. But no sooner had I dropped her at home than I realised that this may be the last time we would see each other. I even began to rehearse how I would tell her. Of course, it depends on what Susie says when we meet, and I hope we can meet up before then. Vicky is very sexy, by her own admission "a little nympho" and we get along okay, but there is just no substance to our relationship. Take away the sex, and there is precious little there.

I should break up with her. It's not fair on her to expect a long-term relationship if I know that's not going to happen. I also cannot go on feeling guilty about being with her when I know it's Susie I want to be with. On the other hand the sex is great and even if Susie does not want a relationship right now, I need the emotional and physical stimulation of a relationship. I need someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I am wonderful and to make plans with.

But what I really want of course, is for Susie to tell me that she is ready for a relationship with me. That would solve everything.

Susie - relationship update

2008-02-10T18:46:00.001Z

After the phone conversation a few days ago, Susie sent me a text message the next morning:

"I do love you. I don't think we love each other in the same way but I love you."

A very enigmatic message. I am torn between two points of view:

1) She loves me in the same way I love her, just not as intensely. Her feelings for me are clouded but her feelings for her ex - the love of her life.
2) She really does love me as just a friend. I believe this one less, but it's a possibility.

I suspect that she is going on holiday next week with A, her ex, although she has not said so in so many words; and of course I have not asked. I am definitely feeling jealous, but in a way, I want her to spend time with him in the hope that it will convince her that nothing has changed between them, and that I can offer her the relationship she really wants.

First and Last date

2008-02-07T19:44:00.000Z

First dates can be very revealing. First impressions are vitally important, and exchanging emails doesn't count. It's when you sit across a table from someone for the first time that you first really understand whether there is any chemistry or not.

On Tuesday I had a first date with P. No chemistry on either side I don't think. She is probably too busy to have a relationship, and she is not sure she even wants one anyway. I can so do better!

Resolving issues?

2008-02-07T19:11:00.000Z

Susie and I spoke for a good half hour last night, and again this evening. They were real heart-to-heart sessions about our genuine feelings, and I have learned a few things:

1) She is still in love with her ex-lover, A. A few years ago she aborted his child because he wouldn't give up his partner for her. He is still with his partner but again wants to spend time with Susie. Despite her feelings, she believes nothing has changed.
2) She believes that, all else being equal, she and I could have a relationship. I am apparently "saying all the right things", I am "really lovely" and she thinks we could have a wonderful relationship and be really happy. BUT! There is something in her heart that she cannot at present explain that is telling her not to. That is why she has occasionally suggested I move on.
3) She wants to have a relationship. She likes being in one and does not want to be single.
4) I now believe that this 'something' is A. I believe that she needs to resolve this issue with him, and determine for herself whether that is what has been holding her back.

There is a chance, obviously, that she decides he is now serious about wanting to get back together, he dumps his long-term partner, as he has been threatening to do for years, and the two of them get together.
There is, I hope, an equal chance that something will happen to make her fall out of love with him, if that's possible. Or at least decide that a relationship with him cannot work - that he cannot give her what she wants - and she will then choose me.

Although she is planning to go away next week, she has promised to contact me again by Sunday, and promised that we will get together for a face-to-face discussion when she gets back. I look forward to it.

First date with Vicky

2008-02-01T22:13:00.000Z

On Thursday morning, I got a text from Vicky saying that she was off work for the day. It didn't take me long to agree to go meet her.

Taking a change of clothes and some toiletries - just in case - I drove straight from work. On the way there she sent me a text message saying she was cooking me dinner! I, of course, had assumed we were going out to dinner, but I thought it was sweet. When I arrived, she was waiting on the stairs. She jumped up, threw her arms around me and gave me a hug and a lingering kiss. What an introduction!

She invited me in, offered me some wine, and got dinner on. Bangers and mash. Then it all went badly wrong!

She introduced me to her son. He is 24, unemployed, unshaven, unkempt, and got very excited when someone accepted him as a friend on Facebook. She lives in a one-bedroom council flat, her son sleeping on the sofa-bed in the lounge. Like me, she has no dining table so we ate off of lap trays. Her son put on an old Jim Davidson DVD and we spent the next hour with the pantomime Sinderella (misspelled deliberately)! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little comedy, even lewd comedy, but this was lewd 1980's comedy. It was embarrassing! Some first date this was turning out to be!

I offered to help with the dishes and as soon as the drying was finished, we were snogging against the kitchen sink. She groaned and lifted one jeans-clad leg against my thigh. She wanted me. Badly. Someone who lusts after you that much quickly becomes much more attractive!

I told her that I was staying in a hotel for the night to avoid a long and late drive home. She suggested I stay there with her, but the thought of trying to keep quiet while her son was in the next room was a major turn-off. So I invited her to come with me.

"Will you still respect me in the morning?" she asked.
I laughed and kissed her again, but said nothing. I had no idea what I would feel in the morning.

We spent the night in a Travel Lodge.

Invitations

2008-01-31T07:10:00.000Z

Vicky and I chatted on MSN again last night. Curiously, although we both have each other's phone numbers, we have yet to hear each other's voices. The impact of technology, eh!

Considering the fact that we first got in contact only a few days ago, and we really don't know each other yet, our conversations are getting increasingly personal. We talked about wanting to meet up sooner rather than later (we are both desperate to meet in person), about public displays of affection, and about stroking and kissing. I invited her out to a lovely restaurant near me, but said the problem was it was too far to take her home again afterwards. She replied that it would have to wait until she could spend the night! Then, towards the end of our conversation, she said she would love it if I drove all the way to see her just to spend a day in her bed.

We shouldn't be this forward with each other yet, surely?!

I really hope that she does not turns out to be disappointing in the flesh. I think. I will be very disappointed if I don't like her or I'm not attracted to her. But on the other hand, I don't want to get too involved with someone when there's still a chance that Susie and I could get together.

Yesterday she sent me her private phone number and her home address. Out of the blue. For no other reason than that she was giving me another level of trust. She said. Why now, I wondered? Is this the precursor to an invitation? She recently said that she needs more time before we meet up again. But she also said that my meeting other women made her slightly jealous.

I told Vicky that, despite how fast this was going, we should just "go with the flow" and see how things went. It's almost inevitable that, in the next week or two we will end up naked together. I am looking forward to that, but I don't think I should tell Susie. I don't want to hurt her. But if that was true, I wouldn't be planning to sleep with someone else in the first place, would I? Oh God, I am such a mess!

And just to make matters even worse, someone I have been trying to go out with for months finally said she was 'less busy' now and could find time to meet me. I know I shouldn't have, but we have made a date for Tuesday.

I can't win!

2008-01-29T21:33:00.000Z

I emailed Susie to ask about her weekend, and to tell her what I had been doing (buying a new sofa). Then I casually mentioned that I had met someone online, and that we had agreed to meet up in a couple of weeks. Her response shocked me a little.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but I felt a slight twinge of jealousy about your new date. But I sincerely wish you the best. Let me know."
So let's see, either I feel guilty for seeing other women and make Susie jealous in the process, or I don't and make her 'uncomfortable' that I am waiting for her! I can't win!

But I am delighted that she is admitting to having more feelings for me than perhaps even she expected. I still don't think she is ready for a relationship yet, but I am not entirely sure how to deal with this situation. I don't want to confront Susie about it; that will just push her further away. I also don't want to make her feel jealous or uncomfortable. So what do I do? See other women, but lie about it??

It is becoming clear to me, though, that this is not making either of us truly happy.

Meeting Vicky on MSN

2008-01-28T21:04:00.000Z

I tweaked my online profile over the weekend, and whatever I did it had a pronounced effect. I was contacted by three separate women, all in one day.

One lived way too far away, and she was a pet lover - instant deal-breaker. The second added me as one of her favourites, but didn't respond when I emailed her. The third, however was a different story.

Vicky's profile was promising. She is a non-smoker, social drinker, is the right age, has two grown-up kids, and likes my profile. That always helps, doesn't it? We exchanged emails in quick succession because we were both online at the same time, and soon progressed to MSN. That was at about nine-ish in the evening, and the next time I looked at the clock it was nearly midnight! The last time I had got so carried away was my first date with Susie. Interestingly, she kept switching her MSN photos, and the others all showed her in a more flattering light than the one on her dating site profile.

To my amazement, Vicky was very complimentary, saying that she was considering deleting her profile when my picture showed up. She clicked it and up came my profile and she decided to get in touch. She called me 'gorgeous' and 'delicious'. I think she should have gone to Specsavers. When we started talking about meeting face-to-face, I asked if she fancied coffee, a drink or should we go the whole hog and do dinner. Her reply was to ask if we should make a day of it!! Here's a girl who knows what she wants.

I am seriously flattered; who wouldn't be. In at least one of her photos she looks very attractive, and (at least online) we get along very well indeed. She has a good sense of humour, she's not backward in coming forward if you know what I mean, and we both can't wait to meet for real.

The downsides are that she lives about 80 miles away and she doesn't drive! She also works shifts so for two weeks at a time (starting today for instance), she works nights. But we chatted on MSN again last night and talked at length about meeting up. We have arranged to meet in two weeks time for a picnic, some sight-seeing, maybe dinner. Who knows how it will turn out but I am looking forward to it.

There is every chance that this could turn into a 'proper' relationship. One with lots of kisses and cuddles and some urgent, desperate sex. It has every chance of turning into the relationship I have been looking for. So why do I feel guilty about it?

Trying to move on

2008-01-26T09:51:00.000Z

The ex-colleague I emailed earlier in the week is out of the country at the moment, but should be back "in a few weeks". She did say that she would like to get together for a drink when she gets back to the UK, so that story will have to go on hold for now.

In the meantime, while I have been brooding over the loss of Susie, I received a message on the dating site from someone I have exchanged emails with for about 3 months. She has always been "too busy" to meet, but now, out of the blue, I get a message asking if we can meet. I said yes, and asked her to name the time and place. Check back later.

I have to try to move on.

Horny?

2008-01-24T22:43:00.000Z

Earlier today I felt strangely horny. Strangely, because I haven't felt this way for almost a week.

So when I got home, I took out a porn movie and some lubricant and took them into the lounge for later. And now it is later, and I am no longer horny.
I am off to bed.
To sleep.
Alone.

(Sigh)

Craving affection

2008-01-24T18:53:00.000Z

What is it about us - well, some of us anyway - that makes us crave affection?

While I was seeing Susie, I didn't really think about seeing anyone else. At one point, she suggested that I see other people, but I, of course, didn't want to. But today I tried to contact an ex-colleague to see if she fancied a drink.

Let's see how I feel when I am with someone else.... if she replies at all.

Music for the road

2008-01-23T22:04:00.000Z

Here's a little tip:

When you drive 560 miles in two days, you have a lot of time to think. So you listen to music right? What do you listen to when you don't want to spend too much time thinking about the perfect woman who doesn't love you?

NOT GARY MOORE!

"I'm always gonna love you,
if loving means forever.
I'm always gonna want you.
I don't think I could ever
just forget the love we had."

"When he's alone, she's never there to see him
crying in the shadows
of a love he used to know,
but now it's all over."

etc, etc, etc.

Fantastic music, but Man, he can be depressing!

Heartbroken

2008-01-21T21:01:00.000Z

I have been getting mixed messages from Susie for ages, virtually since day 1. Although our relationship has been growing steadily and we have slowly been getting closer, she has on various occasions mentioned that she could not see us having a relationship.

Then yesterday, she asked if we should take a break. I panicked and laid out the options as I saw them :
*) Carry on as we were
*) Just be friends
*) Take a break and don't see each other for a while
*) Stop seeing each other completely
*) Jump into bed together and see what happens.

Contrary to what you might think, I suggested the first option. As I saw it, it left all options open and left me with the chance of salvaging the relationship. It also left her with an undiminished level of confusion.

She chose option 4, and said we should not see each other any more. I was completely devastated! The woman I love so much was breaking up with me. I have been a complete idiot! I have cocked up a relationship with limitless potential by putting too much pressure on her. I feel so stupid!!

My only faint ray of hope is that she finished off her email to me with:
"Maybe we can talk in a day or two if that is helpful."

I wonder whether all she really wants is some space. To think without pressure from me. If I thought it would do any good, I would pray that she contacts me again. I daren't contact her. At least not yet.

Ten things I most want to do with Susie

2008-01-13T21:54:00.000Z

These are the ten experiences I would most like to share with the woman I love, in order. This list is subject to alteration without notice. Not all are entirely feasible, but hey!

10) A private dinner at the finest restaurant I can find, dressed to the nines.
9) Stay up all night talking and listening to music, then watching the sun rise.
8) Be introduced to her friends as her 'boyfriend'.
7) Attend the party celebrating the launch of her book.
6) Stroll hand-in hand along a deserted tropical beach at sunset, barefoot.
5) Watch her choice of porn movie together.
4) Buy a holiday home in Tuscany together.
3) Go skinny-dipping in a hotel swimming pool at midnight.
2) Scrub her body all over with a loofah.
1) Make love in Amsterdam under the influence of cannabis.

Thinking about it

2008-01-13T21:42:00.001Z

I spoke to V today, and found out why she hasn't been speaking to me recently.

After getting no reply from her mobile, then having my calls rejected, I called her home number, which she may have forgotten I had. Co-incidentally, she had just sent me an email, which explained that she no longer thought I was a suitable guy for her. It relates to our conversation last week, during which I told her some of the things Mary and I got up to during our time together. V spent two days thinking about it, then decided that she didn't want to be involved with someone who had once been a swinger, and did things he's not proud of.

Ironically, I told her all this because I wanted to be honest with her, and I specifically mentioned that I no longer wanted that lifestyle. Perhaps she missed that last part or didn't believe it.

Anyway, today I reminded her of this, and asked only that she take 24 hours to think about it. I await her response. I am trying to think about how I will feel if she does not change her mind. A key factor is that I have believed that our relationship has been over since Thursday, so I have had time to consider it. My conclusion is that :
1) Although she is a lovely person and I enjoy spending time with her, I do not love her, and don't think I ever will.
2) My heart belongs to Susie.

Of dildos and threesomes

2008-01-13T10:08:00.000Z

Yesterday Susie and I had lunch together at Bluewater. Over pannini and tea, I told her about V and about Sue, and she told me about her sister's relationship problems. Then we walked around and did a little shopping. Flicking through a free magazine, we looked longingly at an article on romantic getaways. Looking solely at the photographs of the destinations, Susie picked her favourites in order. Amazingly, they coincided almost perfectly with mine. For a moment, I allowed myself to dream of walking hand in hand with her along a sandy beach at sunset, and my heart soared. I desperately wanted to hug her.

We left the shop, and strolled around and talked of other things. Things of a more sexual nature. She mentioned buying some new toys since she has been single, and when pressed she told me about her favourite - the little beauty pictured above.

She had already bought tickets to see St Trinians, but as we were still a little early, we stopped off for a drink, and the conversation continued along a sexual theme. She revealed some intensely personal details, including how long it has been since she has had sex, and that she has been enjoying a lot of 'solo action'. I was so turned on, and worried that I was putting her off. I was relieved when she reached out to hold my hand. At that point, I could almost have cried. As I told her, there is a fair-sized gap between friends and lovers, and I am not sure where we are within that gap. Are we more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend? Where lies the boundary of what behaviour is acceptable without 'crossing the line'? She had no answer. I think we are going to have to sort that out over time.

The film was hilarious. We laughed a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. Equally enjoyable for me was that she linked her arm through mine or rested her hand on my arm throughout. When it was over, she stopped at the foot of the stairs, and, as the credits were rolling, she asked:
"So who did you fancy the most?"
For half a second I was shocked, then lost for words, and finally I scratched around for who had made the biggest impression on me. I couldn't remember the name of the character or the actress, but I described Celia, played by Juno Temple, who has a very low-key role but she is very attractive.

We walked towards the car park and separated with the briefest of kiss and a more intimate hug. Again, I didn't want to let her go. I had not even got out to the motorway before my phone rang. I looked down and saw Susie's picture.
"Hello!"
"Hi," she said. "I just wanted to say that for me, it's Kelly."

I laughed out loud, and drove home in a state of sheer bliss.

Un-loved

2008-01-12T09:32:00.000Z

What does it mean when the woman you have been dating for about 6 weeks, and sleeping with for about 4, suddenly stops answering your text messages?

After our encounter on Monday night, we exchanged texts on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday lunchtime. Since then, nothing. I sent her three text messages yesterday, without a single response. Is she angry with me about something? Has she decided not to see me again? If so, it would have been nice if she had told me of her decision.

Surely it's rude to break up with someone by simply not speaking to them again?

Co-incidentally, my text messages last night to L and to Susie and Sue - and an ex-colleague - also all went unanswered. I am feeling particularly un-loved at the moment!

Sue - first date

2008-01-09T18:45:00.000Z

I met someone new last night. Sue contacted me via the dating site by making me one of her 'favourites'. I responded with an email and pretty soon we were arranging to meet for a drink.

We met at a country pub/restaurant halfway between her town and mine. I arrived promptly at 8, and no sooner had I reversed the car into a parking spot facing the entrance when I saw her car arrive. We waved hello, then went inside together. She wore blue jeans that clung to generous hips and thighs and a black vee-neck top that showed just the right amount of cleavage and a smart jacket. Black boots completed the ensemble. Her hair is blonde... -ish, thick and straight, hanging down to her collar, with a fringe.

We ordered drinks and sat down. I had not had the opportunity to have something to eat before leaving home, so I ordered food as well, so she joined me by having a starter. We sat side-by-side and chatted easily. I told her about Mary, and G and N; she told me about her ex-partner and her children. We talked about online dating, and she told me what she described as a 'horror story' involving a chap from Slovakia who barely spoke English. I told her about Mel and Becky. I didn't tell her about V, nor about Susie.

After we'd eaten and re-filled our glasses, she mentioned that she still wondered about her ex-boyfriend who still contacted her occasionally. Then she actually asked me whether it was a good thing to go backwards and see an ex again. Should she go back to dating him again, she asked?

I knew then that there was no 'spark'. That she had no real interest in me. Fortunately I felt similarly. She is actually a very nice person, not unattractive for her age, apparently normal and easy to talk to. When we left and walked back to where the cars were parked, I said,
"Because you are asking me whether you should go back and see your ex-boyfriend, I take it that you and I haven't really hit it off?"
She smiled and I realised that she hadn't realised the implications of what she had been saying.
"Well," she said, "I think that's true. I mean you seem nice, but... How do you feel?"
"I think you are attractive, easy to talk to and honest... I tell you what - how about we meet again, for a bit longer, see how we get on then, and decide whether this goes anywhere or not."
She agreed, we hugged, she kissed me gently on the lips and we each drove off.

I sent her a text when I got home : "Was nice to meet you and I would like to see you again. Maybe dinner and a movie next time?"
Her reply: "Thanks for a nice evening, and yes, maybe next time dinner."

Today, I am not so sure I want to see her again.

Love and Friendship

2008-01-08T22:37:00.000Z

It was well after midnight when V left, and I tried to call Susie, but her phone was already switched off. I checked emails, and found one from her:

"As you haven't called back, I can only assume you are "entertaining", which is a good thing!

I believe that contact between us will only prevent you from forming long lasting relationships with others. Maybe I should back off and leave you to it. This is not said out of any jealous feeling, but simply because I truly want you to be happy."

I tried to formulate a response, but after spending half an hour editing my ramblings and still not being happy, I gave up. I could not find the right words to say what I felt without pushing her further away.

I don't want her to back off. I am seeing other people (obviously) but I still love her and I don't want her thinking that I am better off without her; that she is getting in the way. I cannot, therefore, give her any sign that I am focussing on her to the detriment of my relationships with others. I am scared shitless that she will stop seeing me altogether. She has said that we will nevertheless be friends, but that's not what I want.

Tonight we got a chance to talk on the phone about some of this, and I told her that I was not entirely sure that I could be just her friend. Hypothetically, I said, if I meet the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her, I can envisage my love for that person replacing my love for her, in which case I would be happy to be her friend.

But as long as I actually love Susie, and there is a chance that we will one day be together, I cannot be 'just' her friend.

Sensitive clit

2008-01-08T07:15:00.000Z

Last night, V and I went out to a pub for dinner. We talked for ages about our history, and she unloaded a bit about her last relationship. I didn't mind at all - I like getting to know the women I am dating - but she actually apologised for it. Funny girl.

Then my phone rang. "Unknown" it said, so I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!" said Susie's cheerful voice.
"Hi, how are you?" I asked. There must have been something in my voice.
"Oh, are you with someone at the moment?"
"Um.. Yes." I couldn't lie, but I felt guilty that I was with another woman when she called.
"Oh, sorry," she said.
"No, it's fine," I replied. "I will call you back later."

After dinner, V and I drove back to my place. She was cold and stood with her bum against the radiator, so I hugged her, and fondled her and kissed her. She is a good kisser, and a good snog always gets my motor running. Soon I was inching her skirt up over her hips and grabbing her backside. My fingers ran over the back of her thigh and between her legs.

Then we broke apart and I guided her towards the sofa. I sat her down and knelt on the floor. I opened the snaps on her body stocking and plunged my face into her bush. She sighed and rolled her hips appreciatively as my tongue flicked over her clit and then she giggled and squeezed her legs closed.
"Let me return the favour," she suggested, so I sat beside her and she took me in her mouth. In a short while, I could feel the first stirrings from down below that signal the onset of orgasm, and said:
"No, I want to make love with you."
She smiled. "It's a bit sensitive at the moment," she said.
"Too sensitive?"
She nodded.

Disappointed, I lay back again while she used her mouth and hands on me until I made her hands and my belly all sticky.

I find it fascinating that V gets so sensitive after oral sex that she cannot enjoy penetrative sex (or was she lying?), while Mary found that a clitoral orgasm really got her juices flowing (literally and figuratively) and made her want to be penetrated even more.

If any women are reading this, would you care to comment?

I need someone

2008-01-02T20:01:00.000Z

I have to confess to feeling more than a little guilty. My guilt arises from the fact that I am seeing - and sleeping with - V, while my true affections lie with Susie.

If a friend of mine told me this, I would probably advise him to be true to the woman he loved and gently break up with the other. But it's not that simple. It never is. The fact that Susie does not love me back and actually wants me to date other people adds an extra dimension. In fact it serves only to confuse me further. I need physical contact, affection, even to be loved. Not that V has given any indication that she loves me, but we get on well enough. I like her, but I can't see myself loving her. But she is currently the only woman available for the physical contact thing. I feel so guilty about it, but I need to have someone in my life; even if I know it's not going to last. Does that make sense? Am I being selfish? It feels like I am cheating.

I saw Susie again yesterday for coffee. We talked for a good couple of hours, and once again, all those familiar feelings returned. At one point, we were discussing some of the similarities between our respective marriage break-ups, and it got really emotional. I felt a lump in my throat, and her eyes were moist. For a long moment, there was a real emotional connection. When we hugged goodbye, I had to tear myself away.

But I know Susie is not ready for a relationship just yet. So I will be patient, and be her friend, for that's what she really needs.

Not the answer I wanted

2007-12-29T09:13:00.000Z

How do you know when you love someone?

Is it when you get sweaty palms and your heart beats faster when you see them? Is it when you can't bear to be apart, or miss them all the time you are apart?

I know I love Susie by my reaction to the email I received from her on Thursday evening, in response to mine giving her directions to my place:

"I have been trying to find the right words for days and I simply don't have them.... I cannot understand why any woman would not wish to be with you (me included), but I'm afraid I just cannot make myself feel the things that I want to feel with you. I hate to do this but I cannot be any more than platonic with you. I am so, so sorry."

I knew from the very first sentence what she was trying to tell me. My heart didn't sink; it pounded. Out loud I said "On No!". As I read on, it became worse, if anything. She said some very nice things about me, but made it clear that we should not see each other for a while. I was devastated. All my recent hopes shattered in an instant. This was the one woman I had met since my marriage broke up, who I could seriously see having a future with. And now I knew she didn't want that.

I replied, telling her that I loved her, that I would respect her wishes, but I would not stop hoping that her feelings would change. I suggested that she wanted to feel more for me but she just didn't. Yet, I neglected to add.

She replied: "Of course I want to feel things for you, as in so many ways you are perfect for me! Maybe it is a matter of time, but who can say?"

I know she likes me, but we are going at very different paces. She feels guilty every time we see each other, that she can't keep up with my feelings.

After a couple of days to think about it, the pessimist in me thinks that our geographical separation and the logistical difficulties we have in seeing each other are big obstacles to making this work, and our respective jobs mean that living close together is something not easily achieved even if both of us (not just me) were willing to move to see each other more often.

The optimist in me is buoyed by the phrase "in so many ways you are perfect for me". I know she still has feelings for her husband. I respect that, because for quite some time, I had residual feelings for my wife after she left (as evidenced by this post, and this one and in July, this one.

But I have got over those feelings. Interestingly, it has been at least partially the other women I have met since then that has helped that process, by providing another focus for my affections.

If I was a religious person, I would be praying that Susie goes through the same process, and when she finally stops loving and missing her husband, I will be there for her, and her feelings for me will grow.

Make or Break?

2007-12-21T22:42:00.002Z

Susie and I went out to dinner and a movie last week, then on Saturday we went shopping and went to the pictures again. Then on Tuesday we met for a drink after work and ended up having a very frank discussion about our fledgling relationship.

I asked her where she thought our relationship was going. As it turns out I am getting mixed messages. She told me that we are somewhere between "friends" and "dating", that she was happier with herself than she was a couple of weeks ago. I was encouraged. So I told her why I wanted to know.

I explained that I had been seeing someone else, but felt guilty about it. I said that I thought our relationship had "massive potential", that this was the slowest start to a relationship I have ever been in, but that it felt remarkably good. I'm afraid I might have got a little carried away. I didn't use the 'L' word, but I nearly did.

Susie said that I shouldn't feel guilty; that she too had met other people and went on to list them. She did say that she had not had sex with any of them, but that just served to make me feel even more guilty. When she told me to carry on seeing other people, I was gutted. I had opened my heart to her in a silly attempt to get her to admit that she shared my feelings. It had backfired. She didn't feel that way. She wanted me to date other women. She didn't really care. I felt like I had been stabbed.

However... is that a faint light at the end of the tunnel?

"Do you like peppers?" she asked me in a phone call.
"Yes," I replied
"Mushrooms?"
"Yep."
"Have you ever had organic pasta?"
"Yes, once."
"Do you have a collander?"
"Yes." Where was this going?
"Good, because I thought I would come round to yours and cook you dinner.

Whaaat?

Was this the sort of thing that people who are somewhere between friends and dating do? I think not. We even spoke about the possibility of winding up in bed together!!!

I think - I seriously hope - that she is verbally understating her regard for me, that she can see a serious future for us, but is a) not yet ready for it, or b) not yet admitting it.

I am, I realise, on a steady course towards falling in love with her. I don't pine when she is not with me, but I think about her a lot. I feel guilty when I am with another woman and when I am with her I cannot take my eyes off her. I long to touch her, to kiss her lips and taste her, to undress her inch by inch and make long, slow passionate love to her and wake up beside her the next morning.

This woman is either going to make me a very happy man, or she will break my heart.

Not so shy

2007-12-13T21:32:00.000Z

After dinner in town, we walked back to my place and sat on the sofa. We watched something on tv while she snuggled into my shoulder. I had an arm around her shoulder and her hand was on my thigh. When the program was finished, I looked at her and we kissed.

My hand slipped under her skirt and up her thigh. She lifted her leg a little and my fingers stroked higher and higher, spiralling gently up her soft skin. To my surprise she was wearing a body stocking; the type with press studs in the crotch. She did not object when I snapped them open, and my fingers pressed gently but firmly at her panties.

Our lips were still engaged, and we hadn't opened our eyes for some minutes, but my finger slipped inside her panties and found her sopping wet.

"Mmmm," I murmured.
She chuckled and replied, "Yes, I don't have any problems in that area."

We continued to explore each others mouths with our tongues as I stroked her clitoris.

"Come to bed with me," I suggested.
She lowered her head. Her natural shyness was surfacing again.
"If you don't want to, that's fine," I said.
"It's not that I don't want to..." she said.
"So I feel."

Ten minutes later I stood up and offered her my hand. She took it and we went through into the bedroom. When she was naked I started kissing down her breasts towards her moist core. To my surprise, she stopped me and pulled me up towards her. We kissed again, then she surprised me again by breaking off and lowering her head towards my now very hard cock. Taking it into her mouth, she displayed a considerable talent for fellatio.

Still she wouldn't let me return the favour, but (a little belatedly perhaps) asked if I had 'protection'. Who doesn't in the 21st century, I thought.

Another first date

2007-12-01T16:37:00.001Z

On the day I first contacted Susie, I also contacted V, another woman in her early forties who had no picture on her profile. Today I met V for the first time.

"Hello," she smiled as she came towards where I was sitting.
"Hi," I replied and took a step towards her.
She held out her hand, limp. A little surprised, I shook it briefly.

We sat down.
"I'm a bit nervous," she admitted.

It was only a cup of coffee (for her, tea for me), but we spent a pleasant enough hour chatting and getting to know each other. She is not the most attractive woman around and in most company would go unnoticed, but she is pleasant and we could get on.

Because I had no plans, I asked if she was doing anything tonight.
"Ahhh. I would love to," she said, "but my husband is going out tonight and I need to look after the kids."
"Oh, okay, no problem," I said.
"But I will see if I can get a sitter," she offered.

An hour later, she sent me a text to say that the sitter was busy, but we could arrange something for next week.

As I left, I read a text from L - "Hi you, do you fancy meeting up 2nite?"

At least I won't be dining alone in front of the tv again tonight.

I can see V and I getting along well enough, but she didn't tug at my heart strings exactly. Not the way Susie did. I can see V and I having a little fling, maybe even being friends, but I can't quite see myself falling for her.

Friends

2007-11-29T06:59:00.000Z

Out of the blue, and against expectations, Susie sent me a text on Tuesday evening asking what I had in mind for Wednesday evening. It seems she had decided to make some time to get out after all. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was.

The next morning I got up early, put on my best suit and made sure I looked my best. Then on the way to work, she sent me another text saying she had to cancel as she was unwell.

It's the let-down that makes us so disappointed, isn't it. I spent all yesterday feeling miserable. I shouldn't feel so strongly about someone I have only met once, but there you have it - I do.

Then came the bombshell. When I got home she had sent me an email explaining that she still loves her husband. Although he said he's not coming back, she still has strong feelings for him and is not ready for a relationship at the moment. She still wants to be friends, and I know I'd like that, but I know I want more than that. This woman ticks all the boxes, and then some.

I will therefore be patient. I will be her friend, and when she IS ready for a relationship, I will be there for her. There is a little voice within me, though, that is afraid we will never be a couple.

I wish this emotional roller-coaster would stop; I want to get off.

Lies, lies and more lies

2007-11-27T19:28:00.000Z

After our flaming row last night, I called Mary this morning. I started off by apologising, then went on to confirm the arrangements she had proposed on the voice messages she had left me while my phone was turned off last night (while I was trying to calm down).

It was, once again, an amicable conversation. Why is it that she has to be such a different person when he is around? If she cannot be honest with him now, what chance have they got in the future? She obviously hadn't told him that she'd given me her mobile number (she changed it last night), hadn't told him that we had met for lunch a couple of weeks ago, and presumably she won't tell him about the finer points of our conversation today either.

She has already given me her new mobile number, and we have agreed to meet just before Christmas to swap presents. Not sure what I am getting her, but I will be going shopping on the weekend for something nice.

Custody arrangements

2007-11-26T22:27:00.000Z

Mary and I have long been able to resolve the minor issues of custody arrangements with a simple phone call. One of us will usually call the other and, after the usual pleasantries, explain that something has come up that means the schedule needs to change. We swap weekends around and everything is back to normal.

Until today.

A while ago - probably in September - Mary and I arranged that G would spend Christmas with her. She also wanted to go away for New Year, so I agreed to that too, provided G could spend a few days with me in between. She agreed to that. I even ran through the scenario of when I would pick him up and when I would drop him off again.

The on the way home tonight, I received a text message. Not from her, from him - yes, her partner N. He said that they had spoken to G and arranged to go up north this weekend (as they did last weekend) and G wanted to go with them. If he had asked, I might have readily agreed but he was dictating, so I didn't. He went on to 'inform me' that they had arranged to go on holiday from Christmas eve until New Years Day and G would be going with them. Then he had the audacity to 'remind' me that 'his' home phone was only to contact G!!

At that point I lost it completely.

I replied thus:

1) custody arrangements are made between Mary and me, not him.
2) we have an arrangement that G comes to me between Xmas and New Year.
3) Mary had asked me to contact her via the home phone since the mobile signal at the house is poor.

I phoned her number, and guess what? She picked up but I heard her say "I don't know how he got this number" and rang off! Can you believe it!?

Then my phone rang - it was his number, so I ignored it. I was livid! Then it rang again. And again. Finally I picked up and Mary came on. We had a stinking row during which she said:
1) the arrangement we had made earlier was "tentative and not cast in concrete".
2) that N texted me on her behalf
3) that she had not given me her phone number....

I called her a lying bitch and at that point the whole thing broke down into a shouting match, ending when I said I would call her and G tomorrow. I switched my phone off but she left voice messages. I know that when I listen to them I am going to get angry again, and then I won't sleep.

My pulse is still racing.

Hopes and fears for a new relationship

2007-11-25T08:59:00.000Z

Susie sent me an email yesterday, which said (inter alia):

"My feeling is that you and I got on really well. Yes, I would like to see you again - I think we have both made that one clear... As for where we will end up, I don't know. I am clear after last night that "dating" is exceptionally hard. I am not sure if I am ready for another relationship at present - only time will tell. I do not want to lead anyone on or make any promises. I think I will have to take things quite slowly. I can see you and I becoming good friends if nothing else. "Great" I hear you say sarcastically "another friend"! Hey, I am not saying that is what will happen it is just I don't know my own mind at the moment. I hope you understand."

Yes, I am thinking "Great, another friend!" I can seriously see this woman as much more than a friend, and I am already worrying about the fact that she lives in North-east London, and I live in the nether regions of Surrey. Our work and personal schedules will make it difficult to see each other on a regular basis, and I am afraid that my hopes for this relationship are a) greater than her present needs, and b) doomed to be nothing more than hopes dashed by the inconvenience of our respective locations.

Could I relocate for her? Yes, quite possibly. OMG, did I just say that out loud?

Susie

2007-11-24T09:54:00.000Z

We arranged to meet at Liverpool Street station. When she suggested MacDonald's I got a little concerned but I needn't have worried - it was suggested as a landmark not as a suitable venue for a first date.

Susie stands 5'1" tall, so when I saw a short blonde woman, neatly and conservatively dressed in black slacks, woolly jumper and dark coat (it was really chilly last night) reaching for her phone, I knew it was her and approached.

"Colin?"

"Susie," I replied.

She smiled. "You look nothing like your photograph."

"And I had no idea what to expect," I said, since her profile has no picture.

She suggested we walk down to Shoreditch to find somewhere nice for dinner, so we started off in what turned out to be the wrong direction. About half an hour later, with the assistance of a helpful taxi driver, we eventually found somewhere suitable to have dinner.

We ordered glasses of water and shish kebabs and started chatting about.... everything. We covered our respective separations and ex-spouses, kids, animals, cookware, travel, work, Princess Di, terrorism, sex, drugs.... you name it. My dinner got cold, but I didn't care. I was having dinner with an attractive 38-year old woman who is also intelligent, funny, doesn't smoke and doesn't like pets. We even share a penchant for Twinings Earl Grey tea. I was enjoying myself from the moment we set off from the station, but the more we talked (and talked and talked), the more comfortable, relaxed and happy I felt. With her permission, I took a picture of her on my phone but it in no way does her justice. She is absolutely lovely.

Downside? Um....

By the time my bum got sore and the level of background noise had subsided substantially, I looked at my watch - it was nearly midnight. We had been sitting there for about 5 hours!! It was one of the longest dinner dates I have ever had. And almost definitely the most enjoyable.

We walked back to Liverpool Street together, and after a little deliberation, I offered her my arm. To my delight she confessed that she had been considering taking it before I offered but had decided against it. Then we started communicating non-verbally - a gentle tug on my arm meant 'don't cross the road right now, the lights just changed and there are cars coming', a quick flick of the finger meant 'I think we turn right here'. I was delighted.

At Liverpool Street, we stopped at the barrier to the platform where her train was waiting. We agreed it had been a lovely evening, and we wanted to see each other again soon. I kissed her delicately on the lips, briefly, not lingering too long. Then I kissed her forehead, and instantly regretted it. What sort of message did that convey?

I got the last tube back to London Bridge but had missed the last train home. Spending twenty minutes standing in a queue of drunk people while stone cold sober at 1 a.m. in late November is no fun, but eventually one cabbie asked if anyone was going south-east. I told him where I wanted to go. He paused for a second then said, "Come on then," and set the meter running.

We talked about drunken revellers, the fact that I was still sober (and why - needing to drive home from where I had left my car at work), and about my first date. Why was I telling a cabbie about my evening, I wondered. The answer was obvious - I had enjoyed a wonderful evening with a fabulous lady, and I was happy.

When I picked up my car I switched from the radio to a CD and while driving quickly along deserted country roads, headlights on full-beam, I sang along joyously to Pat Benatar:

"Oh sweet redeemer
Will you save a place for me
I am tired and I'm seeking restitution.
Oh, will you heal me
Will you take away my pain
What I'm looking for is absolution."

I crawled into bed at 2:30 a.m. this morning, exhausted but cautiously excited. She had sent me a text while on her way home - "thank you for an enchanting evening. Susie X" I have locked it in my phone so I don't delete it.

Only one thing for it

2007-11-17T17:24:00.000Z

When you feel bored and alone, as I do today, there's only one thing for it - make some new friends. So I went onto my current dating site and contacted two lovely ladies. One has already responded. No picture but she sounds really nice, so fingers crossed.

Pink

2007-11-17T10:56:00.000Z

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever. Who knew?

Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've go to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'Cause its gonna be a long long way to happy.

- Pink

I am just a friend

2007-11-14T06:41:00.001Z

Mary and I had lunch yesterday. For the first time in almost 6 months, we were alone together. We could talk. I woke up early yesterday morning, excited to be going to see her again, excited by the prospect that maybe, just maybe, she might be reconsidering her current relationship and wondering whether she and I should get back together again.

When we had finished our sandwiches and coffee, she announced that she still could not really trust me and that, if I were honest, I didn't trust her either. She said she and N trusted each other completely, and that he gave her butterflies in her stomach when she saw him. But that I no longer did. In other words, the purpose of meeting me yesterday was just to find out how she felt about me. And now she knew.

She said she was going to be completely honest with N from now on - he didn't like us talking so she has been keeping our conversations secret. She said that she was going to commit 100% to him and that there was no chance of us ever living together again. She saw me now as nothing more than a friend.

I feel like the rug has been whipped from under my feet again. I suddenly feel so incredibly lonely.

I value having her as a friend, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to be friends with someone I still regard as my wife, with whom I spent so many years deeply in love.

I want to wake up with someone again on a regular basis. I want to come home and say "Hi, honey, I'm home". I want to cook and eat dinner with someone, go to the movies with someone and spend lazy Sunday mornings making long slow love with someone I really care about.

But I have no-one. And I miss all that.

Trapped

2007-11-12T21:33:00.000Z

I got a most unusual text message on Saturday morning - it was from Mary, asking if I could stop round her place for a coffee and a chat before picking up my son. It was unusual because it was from her own phone. Up to now she has been sending me business-like texts from N's phone. This was a first. Unfortunately I didn't think we had time as I had arranged to take G into London to the Natural History Museum. As it turned out, he had been up late the night before, and was too tired to spend the day walking around museums.

I was disappointed that we were not going out, but also because I had missed an opportunity to sit and chat with Mary.

Then yesterday I got violently ill. I assume food poisoning but G was fine so I am not sure what caused it. I called her to ask if she would come and pick up G from my place. After a moment she replied that N could not come. She did not explain why.

She contacted me again this morning to apologise. She explained that N still carries a grudge against me. She is unsure of her relationship with N, but feels trapped. He has already arranged to repay some of the money she stole and is now being pursued by a confiscation order. She obviously feels indebted to him, but she is no longer sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I told her that I still love her, that I would take her back. She didn't laugh at the notion, but she did say that we have a lot of issues and asked could we really overcome them.

I have mixed feelings on the matter.

On the one hand I am pleased that she is not 100% sure of her relationship with her toy boy. I am also pleased that she is at least thinking about me. If nothing else, she is taking me up on my offer to be there for her as a friend.

On the other hand, if I think about it logically, what do I now have to offer her? She wants to live in a nice house with all her dogs around her, and I cannot stand to have a house full of smelly, yapping mutts. She needs to repay over £12,000 that neither she nor I can afford.

I feel like my heart and mind are at war. My heart says I love her still and want nothing more than to bring her back into my life for good. My head says that I have no way of getting her out of her current mess and even if I did, we could not arrive at an arrangement that would suit both of us.

How did we fuck up our lives so badly?

Planning

2007-11-09T20:32:00.000Z

I read in the news that Benazir Bhutto tried unsuccessfully to break
through a police cordon around her villa in Islamabad today. Quite why she
was taking on an armoured personnel carrier in the first place I could not
imagine, until I read that she "got out of her bulletproof (ah!)
Landcruiser, grabbed a megaphone and launched into a tirade against
President Musharraf". Ah-ha! Now it makes sense. In preparing for her
desperate flight to freedom, she remembered to pack a megaphone, just in
case the bid failed. Now that's planning!

Feeling guilty

2007-11-07T09:36:00.001Z

I tried to work from home yesterday and will be doing the same today. By working, I mean dialling in to conference calls, which is how most of our meetings are conducted these days. Considering that about 60% of my daily effort is spent on the phone and the rest on email, I figure can be 60% productive from home as long as I have everyone's phone numbers.

While sitting at my desk yesterday, phone in one hand I received an email from Elaine. I haven't mentioned Elaine here before, but I contacted her some time ago and we corresponded quite regularly for a couple of weeks. Then about a month ago, her replies stopped coming. I waited a few more days then sent another note asking what it was I has said that caused her to stop writing, and that I was giving up. I forgot about her. Until yesterday. Apparently she has been very ill and in hospital for three weeks. I felt really guilty for what I had said, but at least we are back in touch.

I have no idea what she looks like as she didn't publish a photograph. All I know is that she is short. As for the rest, it will hopefully be a nice surprise.

Mel - a recurring theme

2007-11-06T17:50:00.000Z

Mel contacted me again yesterday. She sent an email to my work address. It was just like numerous others she has sent after our previous break-ups - she waits a few weeks then when she starts missing me or something, she sends me a one-liner :

"Hope you are okay."

We exchanged emails for the rest of the day. She is still in the same financial trouble she was in a month or more ago and once again, she would like to see me again.

Deja vu. I know exactly how this will go. I will arrange to meet her in a pub near London Bridge after work. We will have a drink and she will tell me she still loves me and wants to stay in touch. I will tell her that my feelings haven't changed and I want to see her again too. She will also of course say that she's not ready for a relationship, as she has too many things to 'sort out'. She won't agree to spend the night with me, but will want to stay friends. I will go home alone, disappointed again.

That's exactly the way it happened last time, and I have no doubt that's the way it will happen this time too. I am not sure I can be just her friend; I like her for her body - we had some great sex, and I still fantasize about some of the times we spent naked and the unfulfilled fantasies we shared with each other. I would love to make some of those come true but I can only do that if she wants a relationship and is prepared to spend at least some nights with me on a regular basis.

So do I meet her or not?

More sick days.

2007-11-06T17:42:00.000Z

G and I had a great time at the MPH show in Earl's Court, London. We came home tired but content. Later that evening, G came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was a completely natural, unrehearsed and unprovoked show of genuine affection. There have been too few of those this year, but it made my entire weekend.

Although I bravely went into work on Friday and Monday, I took today off because I have still not got over my cold. At work I am at a stage where I spend most of my time waiting for emails to come in. I am not really needed in the office most of the time. So I decided to note down my meeting times and dialled in to them from home, successfully accomplishing very nearly what I would have had I been at work. I am feeling better this afternoon than I was earlier, so I am again contemplating going back into work tomorrow. I'll see how I feel in the morning.

I have made arrangements however, to go to L's tomorrow for take-away dinner with her, her daughter and the daughter's friend. I am expected to bring a change of clothes so that I can go straight in to work the next morning.

Sickie

2007-11-02T22:17:00.000Z

I am being punished.

You see, earlier in the week, I pulled a sickie. I wasn't really ill, although I did not feel 100% right either. I seriously did not feel like work, though. I took two days off. I stayed at home, doing very little except drink tea and watch dvds. Mostly. I did go out on Wednesday afternoon, but more of that another time.

So how am I being punished?

I have a cold. My nose is blocked, by throat is sore and I know it will get worse before it gets better. To make matters worse, my son is with me this weekend, and I have two tickets to the MPH show for tomorrow.

Tragedy looming

2007-10-27T10:45:00.001Z

L seemed determined to get me drunk last night, offering me a glass of red wine almost as soon as I got in and we had finished the obligatory extended hug. As it turned out, she knows nothing about red wine - seriously, even less than me. When I took a sip, it tasted a lot sweeter than I had expected. She had bought M&S mulled wine! And poured it cold. Bless.

After dinner we curled up on the couch and watched Apocalypto. She chose it from a selection I had brought with me at her request, but in retrospect, that was probably not the best she could have chosen. She was distracted throughout, getting more and more tipsy and melancholy. Today she and her daughter are driving up to visit her old friend who has apparently got meningitis, although her symptoms are not fully explained by that diagnosis. I have asked her to call me later to let me know how she is.

I have never met her friend, but L is important to me. She is such a fragile soul. This looks to be the most recent chapter in a particularly tragic last 5 years that started with the death of her brother. Another good friend died just a couple of weeks ago and now this.

I hope L does not completely self-destruct; I won't know what to do. I want to be there for her and to help her as much as I can, but we cope with death in completely different ways. I can accept tragedy head on, deal with it and move on. I did when my brother died and again when my father died. Mourning, for me is a brief period during which I try to work out the 'hows' if not the 'whys', assess what the implications are for the future and move on.

L has been mourning her brothers death for 5 years, and to this day cannot help but feel down whenever she is reminded of him.

I fear this may be a difficult time indeed for her. Any tips on how to help would be gratefully appreciated.

Down

2007-10-25T21:25:00.000Z

I have been feeling a little down lately.

Mostly that has to do with my prick of a boss. He's a self-important, condescending, patronising interfering pompous ass who I am really trying to get along with just to make my days bearable, but so far it's been only partially successful.

I am not getting anywhere in my current company, and I hate the way things are going there, so I have decided to leave. I haven't resigned yet, but I have passed my CV on to an ex-colleague and I am interviewing there next month. So I should be excited, right? Well, not yet. Maybe I will be if and when I get the job. In the meantime, I'll be unhappy if I want to.

My mood was not enhanced by going to see Rendition tonight. It's a thought-provoking film, let's say, that left me wondering about the state of the world, of governments, and mankind in general. On the way home, I got stopped at temporary traffic lights at some roadworks and while I was stopped I switched my phone back on to find I had a missed call from Mary. Not too long ago, I would have called her right back, but knowing that he would be listening to our every word made me shut the phone. She left no message so it couldn't have been important. I no longer have to speak to her; it just doesn't matter any more.

Finally, to cap it all, my good friend L sent me a text:
"U free to chat?"
"Sure," I replied.
She called me a few minutes later. Her friend from college, who she's known for 27 years, has meningitis and doesn't recognise her own daughter. L is very sensitive to these things and she's devastated. She talked about her friend in the past tense. As if she's already dead.

It put my petty feelings into perspective, that's for sure.

She invited me round to her place to keep her company tomorrow evening.

Wrong number

2007-10-21T20:28:00.000Z

I had hoped that we had resolved the communication problems that existed between me, Mary and Neil, but apparently we haven't.

First there was the silly little thing about changing the phone number, then when that had been resolved, she wouldn't tell me her mobile number. Last week, though, I get a call from a mobile number I don't recognise. It's Mary, so I update my contacts accordingly. Okay so far, yes?

Well today she phoned me from home. We chatted about letters to solicitors, about G and half-term holidays, and her dog and the 5 new puppies; all very cordial and friendly. Some time later I sent her a text message:
"Nice chatting to you earlier. Good luck with the puppies."

Ten minutes later she phoned back.
"Did you just send N a text message?"

Ooops. Well, no harm done, right?

"Look. If N asks you, you didn't speak to me earlier, okay?"

What? Apparently speaking to her husband is not something that N can readily accept. His insecurity is still there and gnawing at him.

So when a text message arrived asking if my message was intended for my son, it was obviously from N. I pondered for a minute or two. What do I say? Do I lie and say Yes? Or pour fuel on the fire by saying 'No it was intended for my wife, and I thought that this number was hers'?

I decided to compromise and sent: 'Sorry'.

I have a perverse desire to make matters worse by contacting her more often.

Mary in tears

2007-10-13T20:33:00.000Z

When G picked up his phone and answered it, even I could hear the voice of his mother in tears. He had been playing on the PC and had his phone beside him. I tried to listen in but although I could hear her distraught voice, I couldn't make out the words. I asked him to say I wanted to speak to her and eventually he handed over the phone.

Mary has a friend from back in the days when she and I were experimenting with seeing other people. Mike (not his real name for obvious reasons) is wealthy and well-connected. He knows about her recent history, because she apparently asked him for money to pay off her debt. He has apparently responded by offering her a job as his PA.
It's an amazing opportunity. She was a PA when she committed her crimes, but this would give her an opportunity to re-launch her career, to meet famous people and earn a very good salary. The downside is that it would undoubtedly involve long and unsociable hours and a lot of hard work. But she would be good at it, perhaps very good, and she would really enjoy herself too.

N was working today so she phoned him to tell him the news. He, though, was not impressed. He doesn't trust Mike, nor indeed anyone else, and doesn't want her to take the job. They argued, and he ended it by saying he wasn't sure he wanted to come home. It was a petulant display, and of course he did go home, but he showed - again - that he is a possessive, jealous young man.

Later, as I reflected on the conversation, I felt pleased that the man who supposedly makes her so happy was showing his true colours, and hopefully sowing the seeds of doubt in her mind as to whether their relationship will last. At one point I asked if she wanted me to go and fetch her back here to be with us. She declined, saying that if N even knew she was calling me, he would be even more upset.

I find myself strangely hopeful that she will reconsider her relationship with him, that she will reconsider this divorce and at least give us a chance.

Is it sad....

2007-10-09T19:38:00.000Z

... for a middle-aged man to:

* have a profile on an internet dating site?
* spend his evenings with his two good friends Ben and Jerry?
* go to the cinema on his own,just because he wants to see a particular movie?

Is he really?

Ok, I'm sad.

Driving

2007-10-07T21:16:00.000Z

I'm not sure why but I felt apprehensive on Friday afternoon as I drove out to fetch my son for the weekend. I am still not sure why, but I needn't have worried. We had a good weekend.

I took him to Mercedes Benz World where he was able to get behind the wheel of a real car and drive it round a small test track with cones marking the route. Seeing him cruising slowly through the slalom or round the roundabout, reversing into an alley-docking manoeuvre, filled me with such pride, yet at the same time a tiny twinge of regret - my little boy is a little boy no longer.

Papers

2007-10-04T20:27:00.000Z

The papers arrived today. No, not the newspapers, the divorce papers.

Now that it is finally official, I am in two minds about it. On the one hand, I know that what we had is over. That chapter is closed and we cannot recreate the early days when we were both so happy and so in love. Too much water has passed under that particular bridge. She is apparently in love with someone else who makes her happy. And I no longer do.

On the other hand, I have all my fond memories and I am finding it surprisingly difficult to just let go. I suppose I have not yet come to terms with losing her. After all, as I said to her the other day, I guess I never believed her when she threatened to walk out all those times, so when she finally did it came as such a shock. And she never even considered reconciliation.

Also, the divorce petition makes me out to be the bad guy, and while I accept that I hurt her and caused her to leave, I had just as much reason to leave her. But I hate the idea of losing. I have lost enough already without having to pay for the divorce costs, and all the other things the petition lays out in direct contravention of our earlier verbal agreement.

I don't really know how to proceed. First thing I am going to do is contact a lawyer. I need some advice.

Fedora

2007-10-01T20:30:00.000Z

A couple of months ago, I picked up my good friend L and we went to a modern pub/restaurant close to where she lives for dinner. It was one of those places where you go up to the bar counter to order your drinks and your food, and they deliver the food to you. Loads of them do it, but this place was slightly different. Usually they want you to pay for everything up front, but this place said they would give us the bill when we were finished. Except after a few drinks and a relaxing meal, we got up and left... without paying the bill.

I remembered about half way home, and phoned L to check whether she had paid it. She hadn't either so she went back the next day to pay it.

So I owed her a dinner. And for the embarrassment.

So I was delighted when L finally agreed to come out to see my place on Friday. We went to dinner at a lovely little continental restaurant in a sleepy village 15 minutes drive from my place. They served pumpkin soup appetisers in little fedora-shaped bowls. We ordered what turned out to be some of the finest, tenderest, most succulent medallions of lamb I have ever tasted, and a £33 bottle of wine that was among the cheaper on the wine list. It was a fabulous meal.

L and I chatted the way good friends do. We talked about friends and family, about triumph and tragedy, about dilemmas and bad choices, the past and the future. One of her friends had just that evening died from multiple organ failure. She had been ill for some time but it was still a tragedy. Our conversation was subdued, and when we got back to my place, neither of us felt like sleep. I opened another bottle of wine and we stayed up until well after one in the morning.

I don't know what either of us would do without each other right now.

We are forever different

2007-10-01T20:16:00.000Z

Life is something that you wear like a favourite pair of jeans. So comfortable you might as well not be wearing them at all, and you find yourself wearing them at every opportunity.

In life, we get so accustomed to things that we start taking them for granted. Our families, our careers, our homes. We wear these things and we get used to them. We can't imagine life without them. Until they are gone. Until we lose our jobs, our marriages, our homes...

When we experience a life-changing event, something in us changes too. For ever. We are, forever after, different. Like it or not. We no longer do the same things, behave the same way, say the same things, go to the same places....

The routine that used to drive my life has gone. I have a new life now.

Back online at last

2007-09-25T19:36:00.001Z

Since my last post - was it really that long ago? - a lot has happened. It has taken me until a few days ago to sort out a phone line and my internet connection. It took about three weeks to discover that the reason my computer could not access the internet even though it was recognising an active connection was that the operating system was corrupted! So, I thought - do I splash out on Windows Vista (£150 - yikes!) or go the whole hog and buy a new PC (quadruple yikes!). I went for the whole new PC, complete with 19" flat screen monitor. Cool!

Anyway, as I was saying... a lot has happened over the last couple of months. Allow me to summarise:

The sale of the family home was completed in July, and I am living in my new flat permanently. have not finished furnishing it yet, but I am writing this on my new PC at my new desk, while keeping one eye on my new tv.

For a short while I was seeing Mel and Becky at the same time. But, forced to choose, I broke up with Becky. And regretted it later, because Mel began getting on my nerves again, so I broke up with her too.

Life is quiet at the moment, because I have yet to get back into the whole online dating thing again. My good friend L and I still see each other occasionally. In fact we recently went to a singles party together. It was boring. The music was too loud to be conducive to conversation beyond a range of three inches, the drinks (even the orange juice - I was driving) were over-priced and all the attractive women were too young for me. Ho hum. When she got bored, I drove L home and stayed at her place. She couldn't find any condoms so we snuggled and fell asleep instead.

Mary and I have been on good terms for the most part. A couple of weeks ago, though, I got a call from G's school to say that he had not attended classes for the past three days. Livid, I called Mary only to find she was still in bed. She told me that she had written to the school to say she was moving him to a new school, but apparently they hadn't received it. We argued, but when she explained that he was starting at a new school in a few days and offered to show me the prospectus, I was satisfied and simply asked her to explain things to the old school.

When I went to pick up G the following weekend, I found out that N had changed the home phone number because apparently Mary had been "upset by my tone of voice" and didn't like it that I had criticised her for being in bed at 8:45 in the morning. Hey??!

He is so insecure, it's funny. Anyway, just a couple of days later she inadvertently called my mobile and forgot to hide her number so I had it again. We talked and she agreed that we needed to stay in touch; she apologised for being stressed and pre-menstrual, I apologised for being critical without knowing all the facts and we are back on speaking terms.

Which, in itself is good. She has called me three times in the last two days. Mainly to talk about her ongoing persecution by the Crown Prosecution Service, who are attempting to prove that she has been living a 'life of crime' for the past 6 or more years. That's a joke - if she was living a life of crime, why were we in so much debt?! Huh? She also mentioned that she has finally found our marriage certificate, so divorce proceedings are progressing. It's going to get all legalese for a while. Oh dear. The (formal) end (of my marriage) is nigh.

Anyway, now that I am online again, I hope to resurrect my social life, and also to post here more often. Chat soon.

Memories uncovered

2007-07-06T17:01:00.001Z

Mary came round to the house today to help with the packing. I am moving most of my stuff to my new flat tomorrow. The worst part was that, not knowing for sure whether I would be here (I hadn't confirmed), she had brought two of the dogs for company. Or was it just to annoy me? If so, it worked, because one of them left a little 'present' on the bedroom carpet.

Anyway, we spent over 4 hours in the kitchen alone. It was easier than I expected really. We are on such good terms now that we didn't argue over a single thing. Only one item featured on both our 'want' lists - the microwave. Initially, we decided to leave it till last, but when the time came to decide, we both just looked at each other and smiled. I suggested flipping a coin, and she laughed and said that, since she was taking the rest of the white goods, I could have the microwave. Deal!

Then she tackled the cupboard under the stairs - you know, where Harry Potter lives :-) Only one of us could fit in there, and I sat outside taking out the junk.

It was full of stuff that didn't really belong anywhere else, and also loads of stuff that should have been elsewhere. In a large box we found photo albums, envelopes full of prints, and hundreds of strips of negatives. Every one a memory. The best of all was one that I took when G was about 3 years old. I think we were at the cafeteria at a zoo in beautiful weather. Mary asked her little boy for a kiss, and he smiled, came up to her, placed his dainty little hands on her cheeks and kissed her full on the lips, eyes closed. It was a supremely tender moment, which I captured at full zoom and in brilliant colour. We both nearly had tears in our eyes looking at that picture.

"We did good," I said. She nodded in total agreement. He was a beautiful little boy.

We still have a lot to do here, but it is now clearly not a house that any one lives in. Dump on the carpet aside, mentally I have left here already. Tonight I will take enough clothing for the next few days because I will be sleeping at the flat from now on.

Another milestone in the journey that is the end of my marriage has passed today.

Desire

2007-07-05T22:07:00.001Z

In an emotional telephone conversation this morning, I asked Mary whether there was honestly any chance of us getting together again.

She replied in all honesty that, at this moment, no there was no chance; that her heart belonged to someone else: N. I felt a lump in my throat, my temple throbbed and I had to wipe away a tear.

Why am I still clinging to some faint hope that she will still, some day, come back to me? N is obviously being everything to her that I couldn't but I still care for her very deeply. The more I speak to her, the more I get to know the new Mary, the more I like her, the more I want to be with her, the more I desire her. For it is desire, you see, that is lacking from my other relationships at the moment. I like both Mel and Becky, but if either was to end it, I would not be hurt. I simply don't care enough.

Now Mary is breaking my heart all over again.

At lunch I sent her a text: "I'm sorry but MY heart belongs to you. I love you."

I felt slightly foolish for sending it, but it's true. She is the only woman I want right now. I feel sad.

Mel's in love with me

2007-07-05T07:05:00.000Z

Mel contacted me on Sunday night to say she wants us to start seeing each other again. I was surprised to say the least, but I accepted her invitation to go to her place for a glass of wine and a chat.

I mentioned that I was seeing someone else, and I would need to decide whether to stop seeing Becky or to not see Mel again. She was not particularly happy with that, and admitted - for the first time ever - that she loved me and wanted us to be serious. She said that she wants us to get married one day. Whoa!!! Slow down! This is just like before - getting way too intense, way too quickly.

I had arranged to meet Becky on Monday evening to see a movie and go back to my place, so when the next day Mel asked if we could meet for a drink I suggested Tuesday. She accepted then said she wanted to make love to me and so forth. I suggested that she come round to my flat and she immediately accepted.

It occurred to me yesterday morning on the way to work that I have yet to spend a single night in my new flat on my own. Either Becky or Mel have been with me on every night I have spent there. Disgraceful!

We met near London Bridge, had a drink and something to eat, then caught the train back to my place. After giving her the (very) quick tour, we showered together, touching and feeling each others soapy bodies. She stroked my already hard cock, I stroked her already wet (and not with water) labia. We dried off and went to bed to make love like old times. It was good, but I realised that I no longer felt for her the way I once did.

Now, she is giving me an ultimatum - dump Becky or I walk away. So I told her that if forced to choose, it wouldn't be her. But I know she doesn't mean it. She is serious about loving me and does not want to walk away. She wants to see me tomorrow night and all this weekend, and it's getting too intense. I have asked her to back off and let me have some space and time.

I think I need it.

Mary and I spent well over an hour talking on the phone last night. I reiterated my feelings for her, and without making any rash promises, told her that I would like the opportunity to try again with a clean slate. To my utter disappointment she said that her feelings for Neil are growing, that she really loves him and wants to marry him. They have even set a tentative date. She is wearing a ring on her engagement finger.

It hurts. Right now, I would give up both Mel and Becky if she came back.

Quadrangles of Love

2007-07-01T09:33:00.001Z

Yesterday I went to go and see Mary for the first time since her release.

She has removed the cornrows from her hair and tied back her curls in a plait. She looks good. She says she has put on some weight but I think she looks lovely.

We sat on the sofa and chatted quietly while our son, G, played upstairs. We talked about all the things that went unsaid since she was locked up. About the immediate aftermath of her conviction and sentencing, about relationships with family and friends, about why we said things that perhaps we shouldn't have, or didn't say things that perhaps we should. We talked about the house and the furniture, about things that we need to do and to sort through. We took a couple of the dogs for a walk and we talked about N and his jealousy - he actually texted her while I was there to say he was worried! - and about her relationship with H, the woman she had a fling with in prison.

This is the oddest of love triangles - or is it a quadrangle? N is madly, deeply in love with Mary. She is loving all the attention and adoration she gets from him, but is starting to wonder if, when she says 'I love you' to him, whether she really means it or if it's just that she loves being the centre of his universe.

She still has feelings for me, although it is probably fair to say that it is not the passionate love we once shared. We have both grown older and wiser and so much water has flowed under that particular bridge. She said that, were she to leave N, she would not come straight back to me, nor to anyone else. For a while she would want, for the first time in her life, to be on her own. I think that is a sensible thing to do.

I still have feelings for her. I spent an awful lot of the time yesterday wanting to hold her and kiss her. I still find her very attractive, and the 'New Mary' is very different from the old one. She has, in her own words, grown up during the 107 days she spent behind bars. I find myself liking New Mary a lot - more than I thought I would a few months ago. I feared, you may remember, her coming out angry, bitter and twisted. She is nothing of the sort. She is calm, sane, rational and easy-going. The fact that some serious medication can take a lot of the credit for that is, however, sad. I can't help but feel very guilty about the part I have played in the cause of her pain and stress, although the guilt is obviously not all mine. There is a part of me that wants to try to make up for what I have done; to make things better in any way I can. To be a better husband and father. I wonder if I can do that? I know I would like to try.

On the other hand, I am also developing feelings for Becky. While I do not find her particularly attractive physically, in every other way, she is a wonderful person. I adore her easy-going nature, her light-hearted wit and sparkling demeanour. She seems to be simply a marvellous human being, whom I could easily spend an awful long time with. I have even thought about introducing her to my mother! She is someone I think I could come to love one day.

And then there's H. H is the woman Mary had an unexpected month-long love affair with while inside. I was amazed when Mary showed me a very personal letter that H had written her. In it, H said she missed her 'wife', that Mary was very special to her, that she would love her forever. It was an outpouring of obviously huge love and affection. Mary herself admitted to being very surprised at the depth of H's feelings for her, and also that those feelings were, at least partially, reciprocated. She is not deluding herself that it would be easy or practical to start a serious living-together relationship with a convicted drug trafficker. She is, by her own admission, 'high maintenance'. It would take someone with a decent income - probably more than mine - to make her really happy, and she rightly refuses to live off the proceeds of drug trafficking.

N, of course, still knows nothing of the depth of this relationship, and will almost certainly freak out if he knew. He would certainly not be happy to take Mary to see her lesbian lover. H knows all about N and about me, and much to my surprise, has professed a desire to meet me. I have volunteered to take Mary up to visit her, partly out of curiosity and partly because the idea of spending 8 hours with Mary, 6 of them alone in a car, to be irresistible. She and I are obviously still friends, and to a certain extent, she still trusts me.

I left her place yesterday feeling strangely subdued; sad, even. I cannot put my finger on exactly why. It may be that I was sort of hoping that she would express a desire that we try dating again, that we could kick-start our relationship back up again. That's not to say it won't happen, but it won't happen soon.

First she needs to visit H, spend some time with N, and decide how she really feels about both of them. Then, if she decides that she cannot live with N's jealousy and insecurity, she will probably leave him and live somewhere alone with our son. At that point, she and I will then be able to decide whether we want to get back together again, and how that might work. It will not be easy.

In the meantime, it still hurts when she says she loves him, and it hurts even more when I see the engagement ring on her left hand. A little premature, surely, since we have not even started divorce proceedings yet; and are not even talking about doing so.

In an interesting twist, she phoned me while I was still on the way home to warn me that N said he wanted to have some words with me and that I would shortly be receiving a call. However, no such call came and I am left wondering whether this is another of his psychological games.

Christening the new bed

2007-06-29T19:07:00.000Z

My new bed was delivered to the flat yesterday. I had taken some time off work to be there when it arrived. I had already bought a new summer duvet, pillows, sheet, mattress protector, pillow cases and duvet cover in preparation. I had invited Becky over to help me 'christen' the new bed.

Co-incidentally, she had the day off as well, although she had some things to do in the morning. She arrived less than an hour after the bed, by which time I had unwrapped it, set it up and put on the new bedclothes. Yes, I should have washed them first, but didn't get the chance to.

We walked up the near-deserted high street and stopped to have lunch at what is now my local pub. We then walked through the park and back to the flat where we had a cup of tea and went to bed for the first time. We undressed each other at the foot of the bed, and I laid her down to kiss her body, savouring the scent and taste of her skin. We made love slowly and gently. She held me tightly for most of the time, favouring the missionary position so that she could wrap her arms around me and hold me close, kissing me deeply while I spent inside her.

Afterwards, she bathed and I showered, then we dressed and went out for dinner. We had no table booked, no plan, not even a destination in mind. Instead we drove around through delightfully twisty country roads, through village and town until we saw a Weatherspoons and settled on that as a viable source of food since we were by then very hungry. During dinner, we chatted amiably throughout. Conversation never seems to be strained and we talk at length. We are, after all, still getting to know each other.

Dinner complete, we went back to the flat and went back to bed to make love again. This time it was even longer, more passionate. I have no idea what time we went to sleep but it was late. The beer I had with dinner, however, acted as a stimulant, which together with the strange surroundings - and strange body beside me - conspired to make sleep fitful and restless. I awoke this morning with faint light filtering through the curtains, and rested a hand on Becky's waist. She was also awake, and moved over to cuddle. Soon she was touching my prick, bringing it back to life, and we made love for the third time in less than 18 hours.

By the time we had showered/bathed and dressed for work, I was already feeling tired again. On the train into London, I made no attempt to keep my eyes open and dozed off for a while.

Tonight I am having an early night and hopefully, in my old familiar bed, a good nights sleep.

Ups and Downs

2007-06-24T17:02:00.000Z

Rainy Sunday afternoons should, if you think about it, be spent doing all those little indoor chores. However, when you didn't get home till 2:15 in the morning after spending an hour snogging in the car after an lovely intimate night of friendly conversation, those chores seem much less appealing, and I found myself reluctant to get off the sofa today.

I watched two programmes on TV that had very different effects on me.

I watched a pre-recorded episode of Seven Ages of Rock, which featured the bands R.E.M. and Nirvana. It obviously focused a lot on Kurt Kobain and I admit to feeling a twinge of sadness even though I was never a huge fan. Tragic deaths like that always leave me a little sad.

I also watched a biography of the real Erin Brockovich, which was uplifting and inspirational. Her story is a dramatic account of an individuals ability to overcome adversity and make a difference through sheer determination and hard work (along with a little talent and being in the right place at the right time).

A large amount of time today has also been spent swapping text messages with Becky. Text messages of a distinctly lustful nature. The hour we spent in my car last night playing tonsil hockey made us both as horny as hell, and it has spilled over into today. We are probably not going to get a chance to do anything about it for some time though.

Ironically, I have also been contacted by two other women - on separate internet dating sites - who, at least on the surface, look very attractive. This, of course, is no real indication of the chances that I will be happy with either of them, but attractiveness is always a bonus, no?

I almost feel guilty, because at the same time that I am dating Becky and we moving into that critical first sexual encounter phase, I am still contemplating dating other women, and there is still the chance that Mary could come back into my life. Something - no, someone - will have to give. I hope it's not Becky; she is such a honey inside and deserves to be treated well. I don't want to hurt her.

So many emotions

2007-06-23T09:09:00.000Z

So many emotions. So many things to think about, to evaluate, to do.

Yesterday, I took G to visit a couple of new schools. In the unlikely event that he comes to stay with me, he will need to have a place available. Both said they could offer him a place, but need to see his academic record first. Surprisingly, he was not nearly as negative about the experience as I expected. He seemed quite happy with both schools but has already decided which one he prefers. Typically, it's not the one I prefer.

Talking of G, he is staying with N again this weekend. Bizarrely, Mary told N that she would not tell me about her imminent 're-assignment' and the cancellation of this weekends visiting privileges, so as far as N is concerned I still think they are going up to visit her. I hate being a part of someone else's subterfuge.

On a more positive note, I had another first date last night. This time with Becky. Based on her online profile and accompanying picture I had high hopes and was really looking forward to meeting her. We arranged to meet at an Italian restaurant in her home town, but as is becoming the norm, I was slightly disappointed when I first saw her. She is more overweight than her photo suggests, and she has cut her gorgeous long hair to above shoulder-length, and it continually gets in her face. But we had a lovely dinner and chatted continuously. We seem to have a few things in common. She is an uncomplicated person, which I like. I really like her as a person, I am just not as attracted to her as I would like to be.

After dinner, I walked her to her car and we hugged, then kissed. Then hugged and kissed some more until we were told to "Get a room!" by some passing revellers. It was obvious what we both wanted but her kids were at home. We finally parted with a tentative plan to meet again tonight. When I got home and texted her to say I had arrived, she replied that she felt guilty about not asking me back to her place, but for her kids sake as well as hers, she wants to give us (she and I) some time before we do that. I can understand and appreciate that. This morning, her texts are full of winks and little devil icons asking me what I want to do tonight. Hmmm, I wonder ;-)

I have feelings for a number of women now, but all in slightly different ways:

L is, I think, my best friend at the moment. She has frequently demonstrated that she is there for me when I need her, she understands me, is honest and straightforward and although we enjoy having sex, it's not the be-all-and-end-all of our relationship. If I started sleeping with someone else (Becky?) on a regular basis, I would not miss sleeping with L.

Mel is schizophrenic and I am hoping that this time she is serious about not contacting me again. Although I am attracted to her and would love to get her naked again, I no longer think we could have a future together. I hate being messed around more than anything else, and would rather not speak to her again.

Mary... ah yes, Mary... I just don't know. When I visited her the other day, I was convinced I wanted her back, and I think (although she hasn't said so) that a part of her is missing me too. If she wanted to come back to me I would take her back, but we would both have conditions that the other would not be happy with, so it's probably not going to happen. At least in the short term. Strangely, I suspect we will, at some point, have sex again. It will probably just be the result of mutual lust but I think it will happen. What that would do to our relationship is something I need to think about.

Becky is uppermost in my thoughts today for obvious reasons. I really like her, and want to be with her, to get to know her. I have always been able to see the attractive parts of women I meet, rather than the unattractive. In Becky's case, there is unfortunately not an awful lot to mention. She has a round face with a largish nose, thin lips, no waistline and I don't like her new hair style. I haven't seen her bum, boobs or legs, so can't comment about them yet. On the other hand, she is articulate, intelligent, amusing, down-to-earth, uncomplicated, honest and nice to talk to. While I am not (yet?) physically attracted to her, I think we could definitely have a relationship. I am just not sure about whether it's of the 'happily ever after' variety.

The first sexual encounter with someone is always the most exciting, if not always the most technically satisfying, and I am almost addicted to that feeling. I love sleeping with someone new - and it led to the break-up of my marriage if I am honest. I am craving being loved, if that makes sense. I want someone to want me, to love me, more than I want to love someone. I am trying hard (perhaps too hard) to get someone (anyone) to like me that way, to want me, to need me and perhaps to love me. I like the emotional and sexual security that brings. The difficult part is finding someone who likes, wants, needs and loves me, and who I feel the same about. I like Becky, I want her, but I don't need her, and I am not sure whether I will love her.

It's shallow I know, but the only way I would settle down with another woman is if I adored her physically as well as emotionally. I would need to worship her naked body, to love touching every inch of her, to miss her when we are apart, and be proud to walk down the street with her at my side.

I used to feel that way about Mary, and I want someone to make me stop missing her. Who else could fill her shoes?

Re-assigned!

2007-06-21T21:21:00.000Z

When I entered the large visiting room, I saw her instantly. Up against the wall to my right, second table down. She was wearing a tee-shirt, black trousers and high-heeled ankle boots. And cornrows in the first three inches of her hair. I was laughing as I hugged her.

We talked about me, and my relationship with L, about N's intense jealousy, and the surprise revelation that she is having a 'fling' (yes, that's what she called it) with another prison inmate. She said they had become close, that she would miss her when she got released, and would want to come back to visit her. I was surprised because she always said that she didn't feel that way about women. I never expected her to ever get emotionally involved with another woman, let alone sexually. At first I felt like I had just dropped to third place on her top ten priority list. Time will tell whether she does, indeed, stay in contact with her new lover, but I somehow think she might. Strangely, it doesn't really bother me. Maybe that's just a symptom of the male fantasy syndrome.

A couple of interesting things struck me about this conversation, though:

*) She told me but not N - he would not be happy.
*) She is entrusting me with secrets that could ruin her relationship with N.

Later, I repeated what I had said in an earlier letter - that if she ever showed up at my door with a suitcase, I would welcome her in. She said nothing. I told her that I felt like holding her tightly and kissing her. All she said was it wasn't allowed. Not that I shouldn't do it, or she didn't want me to; just that it wasn't allowed. I am starting to wonder whether my own residual feelings for her are not being - even a little - reciprocated.

The two hours we spent together felt like 30 minutes. They flew by. At the end, we were sitting close together, and I was holding her hand. When I stood up and hugged her again, she said she would call this evening to make sure I got home safely. "See, I do care," she said.

True to her word, she phoned about half an hour after I got home, with the news that she is to be re-assigned (to her home address with an electronic tag) on Monday! I am thrilled for her, and at least a little excited for me too. The news makes a number of other actions possible. I can now plan to move to my new flat without the need to find G a new school, for instance, because he will want to stay with her.

Interestingly, she also said she had already told N, and they had an argument. Apparently, N did not want her to tell her own son the news in case it got back to me. How pathetic! The fact that I visited her today is, in fact, a secret. I have not told G nor my mother, in case it gets back to N.

She refused point blank to lie to her son and she admits his jealousy is pissing her off. When, during my visit, I mentioned that she would not tolerate his jealousy for long and that it would probably break them up, she did not even attempt to deny it. I think their days are numbered, although I don't know what she will do if they do break up. She would have to notify the prison authorities if she moved, but where would she go, and what would she do with all the dogs?

Prison Visit 2

2007-06-21T08:10:00.000Z

I am about to embark on a 7-hour round trip to spend two hours with my estranged wife, Mary. Oddly, I am looking forward to it. I have always enjoyed being on the road, but I am also looking forward to seeing her on my own, without G and N getting in the way of the honest heart-to-heart conversation which I think we so badly need.

Interesting topics which will surely come up :

*) N's paranoid jealousy and the effect it will have on their relationship in future.
*) The things that really go on inside a woman's prison.
*) Whether the approval of her application for 're-assignment' is imminent.
*) What she plans to do after her release.
*) My new potential girlfriend.

I am still seriously wondering how much I still care for her. I cannot love what she has done, but if she came knocking on my door one day, suitcase in hand, would I turn her away? Probably not.

Cooling off?

2007-06-19T18:43:00.000Z

I still don't get women. The way they seem to constantly change their minds and how they feel drives me potty! Since the weekend when L and I agreed we would continue our 'friends-with-benefits' style relationship, I have barely heard a word from her. I have sent her a few text messages saying, among other things, that I was missing her, telling her I was horny, and saying Good Morning, fancy a shag. All of these were ignored. The only text that got a response was when I told her that I had bought a new bed for my flat.

The obvious conclusion is that she is having second thoughts or has found someone else, and no longer wants to share her bed with me. If that's the case, fine; I will be happy for her if she's found someone else, but she could tell me. I think we will have to talk. Again.

In my son's best interests

2007-06-17T11:08:00.000Z

Yesterday, I signed the lease agreement for the flat. I am moving to a new town, far enough away to make it impractical for my son to attend the same school. But this process has taken so long that there is now only 6 weeks of the school year remaining, and finding a school that will take him for that short period will be incredibly difficult. It's a shit system. Education is a right, and state schools are obliged to provide that education. They should not be able to refuse, should a place be available. I will begin arguing that point on Monday. He is not happy at his present school and for the sake of his education needs to go to a better school. And the sooner the better.

However, should no place be available anywhere close (enough) to my new place to make it feasible for us both to move, I have a very difficult decision to make.

G wants to live with N, his mum's boyfriend, until she is released. Apparently he wouldn't mind, and has a job that is flexible enough that he can take G to school and pick him up. From a practicality perspective, that's great and solves my problem. However, I don't really trust N, I will miss having my son around, and I am not convinced that N would make a good single parent. As G's legal guardian, I am also not happy with the idea of retaining responsibility for him but relinquishing control over his day-to-day life.

So what am I to do? What is is G's best interests?

His welfare and education come first, so if a position at a better school IS available, I will move him asap. If not, perhaps my mother and N could share the load of looking after him during the week and ensuring he gets to school, while I get to see him on weekends.

I will have to talk to my mother, and to N. A difficult decision needs to be made, but I am the only one who can make it.

Making up

2007-06-17T10:56:00.000Z

We arranged to sit down and talk about it on Friday night, but after waiting for 4 hours because her niece was there, we finally went upstairs to her room. There we lay, fully clothed, and started to talk.

We started discussing the phone call with R on Monday, but when I tried to explain how I felt and the confusion I was experiencing, and read to her some of the texts she had sent, she got upset. She said she felt like she was on trial, and that I was producing evidence. Well, yeah, but only in my defence, m'lud! I told her that I was getting mixed signals and could not distinguish the truth from the banter in her messages. I apologised again, and asked where that left us.

She turned the question around and asked me what I wanted. I told her that I wanted what I had always wanted, but it wasn't the point. The point, I said, was what she really wanted from this relationship.

And then she got up, said she needed to relax and was going for a smoke!

I felt so angry! After waiting four hours to have the very conversation I had driven 25 miles to have, she thought it was more important to have a cigarette. I felt like this was unimportant to her, and that I was there for her amusement; that she was now thinking of what to say. I went downstairs, got my shoes on and left.

Yesterday morning I sent her a lengthy email explaining that I don't feel for her the way she feels for me. We again exchanged text messages, and she agreed (again) that she still wants me in her bed on a no-strings basis. Today, she is going on a date with someone else, so she has obviously decided that she can tolerate the relationship we have.

This is a roller-coaster relationship. I still like the sexual security, but am not attracted to her and don't love her. If and when either of us meets someone we want to get serious with, our relationship will revert to one of just friends. In the meantime, our sexual relationship will have to remain a secret from others we meet.

Get stuffed!

2007-06-17T10:27:00.000Z

It's funny how sometimes new relationships seem to evolve very quickly. L and I had an argument on Monday. She called me from her friends house. R is, she has told me before, full of fun and is sex mad! She talks about it all the time. My kind of woman, I said. But when L put her friend on the phone to talk to me I was a little surprised. When R asked if I had a friend who would come round for a no-strings one-night stand because she was gagging for a shag, I was flabbergasted.

Not sure if this was genuine, a wind up or just a little friendly banter, said that I had no such single friends, but volunteered my own services. She laughed. Then after putting down the phone, L and I were texting each other and I jokingly suggested that I could sort her friend out. That was, in retrospect, a big mistake. I did not consider L's feelings, but I thought we were just friends.

She replied: "She up for it, so go for it, hun" That reinforced my assumption.

"Are you sure? Thought you didn't wanted to "

"No hun I promise. Come back to my senses today." Maybe I misinterpreted that one, because I asked:

"So ask R what time I should come round?"

"Get stuffed. You aint shagging anyone when you seeing me, so your choice?" Hang on. That's not what she was saying a minute ago. I was now getting angry.

"Make up your mind"

"Ouch. That hurt, but I'd never stand in your way. But my friends would never shag you coz they wouldn't want to hurt me."

"I don't like people fucking with my head."

The thing is I could not distinguish her genuine honest thoughts and feelings from the banter, and let my dick (as usual) rule my head. I felt like I was being messed with and at that moment I wanted to just forget about L and her nutty friend.

Then on Wednesday, she sent "We over, you know that?" It was what I was expecting, and truth be told, half wanted. I saw no future for us as a couple and having casual sex when one of us was (sometimes) having feelings for the other was not a recipe for happiness. She explained that she couldn't "do the sex share thing" but she wouldn't stop me.

She said I had hurt her because I would have gone to shag her friend but not her. That was, to an extent, true. She had correctly assumed that I wanted to spend my weekday evenings with my son, and he prefers being at home to going to his grandmothers. On a school night, it's even more inconvenient. But I was prepared to make arrangements if someone I had never been with before was 'gagging for it'. She said she would miss me, but didn't have any regrets.

That night, she sent "Fucking hell, I miss you already." I said I was sorry about what had happened. She said she had got too involved, that her feelings were growing.

The next day she said she was going to try to get back on track, whatever that meant. I was really confused. Trying to gauge her feelings from her texts was near impossible. She seemed to be swinging from one extreme to another within days.

Jealousy

2007-06-11T10:47:00.000Z

Jealousy comes in many forms and to varying degrees.

For instance, when L told me that she was going on a date with another guy, I was for half a second, slightly jealous. Partly because we had just spent the night in bed together. When she texted me that she was probably going to shag him soon, I felt that twinge again. But not for long. When I told her I was chatting with a lovely lady on msn, she admitted to feeling a little jealous. But she is still encouraging me to meet and date other women.

Last thing before we went to sleep last night - after talking for nearly two hours on the phone - she sent :

"I not too sure I want us to be with other people just yet."

"Oh!" I replied

"Sorry, I just like what we have. Feel we need to go with it, get it out of our system."

I didn't know how to respond to that. She has said that she does not want to sleep with more than one man at a time, and if she meets someone and takes him to bed, that's the end of our sexual relationship, although we both hope to remain friends. Now she seems to be saying that she would rather keep taking me to bed - at least for a while - rather than find someone else to take my place in her bed.

I am flattered, and it feels nice that she wants to keep me around. I call it 'sexual security' - having a shag available when you need one. But at the same time I don't want her to abandon the possibility of meeting that someone special who has whatever it is that I don't and makes her heart skip a beat.

On Saturday afternoon, Mary phoned me while G and N were still on their way back from visiting her. She has asked me to keep that conversation secret. N had apparently told her that a mysterious guy named John was constantly phoning him telling him that Mary was taking him for a ride, that she would leave him and go back to her husband - me. I was amazed. Partly because it wasn't me and I don't know who it could possibly be. N, she said, thinks that whoever it is, I put him up to it. But Mary knows that I wouldn't do anything like that. It's not my style.

My suspicion is that N has made up the entire thing. That his massive insecurity and jealousy has caused him to want Mary to see me in a bad light. It's upsetting her too, and that's not good.

These examples of the two extremes of jealousy are interesting, because I think jealousy is tied to love. The more you love someone the more vulnerable you are to being jealous. Because L and I do not love each other, we do not feel particularly jealous. But we do a bit. N is obviously madly in love with my dear estranged wife, and because he still sees me as a threat, exacerbated by the recent improvement in the tone of our conversations, his jealousy is now getting bigger and greener.

My selfish side hopes that this destroys their relationship; I just don't want him to win her heart at my expense - he's not worthy. But the part that still cares for Mary hopes that between them, they can sort it out. My concern is that she and I are naturally going to need to interact on a regular basis, and he won't like it. Every time she phones me or visits me, there is the chance that either he gets more jealous or prevents it from happening. Either way, it cannot help their relationship, or ours. Mary is going to be stuck in the middle and potentially, so is G, our son.

Jealousy helps no-one. N needs to remember that if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. And if you hold onto something too tightly, it will simply slip through your fingers

Sexual misnomers

2007-06-08T09:54:00.000Z

Most women know that a 'blow job' is anything but. Men derive little pleasure in having their lover blow on their penis. It's the licking and sucking, in concert with some subtle hand movements that generate the most pleasure. But 'blow job' is not the only sexual misnomer. There is another that apparently fewer women have actually realised is not as accurately named as it should be - 'tug job'.

The 'tug job' or 'hand job' can be just as satisfying as fellatio when performed correctly, but in recent months two women - and not young naive ones, either - have both demonstrated that they have not grasped the fundamentals of a good hand job.

The key lies in the realisation that the hand/s should mimic the feel of a tight vagina as far as possible. During normal penetrative sex, stimulation of the penis occurs almost entirely in the forward thrust, not the withdrawal stroke. It stands to reason therefore that the most stimulating hand motion should be a pushing one, not a pulling one.

Hand Job Advice.com has some short video demonstrations of various techniques to use. The pulling motion is called 'milking the bull' but I wouldn't recommend it. My personal favourites are the Corkscrew, the Washing Machine, the Slippy Grippy, and the Swizzle Stick. You could also try the Shocker and see if your man likes it in conjunction with the other techniques.

Lingerie

2007-06-07T13:51:00.000Z

As a measure of how weird our relationship is, L wanted me to buy her a new sex toy last week. Her entire collection of toys numbered.... 1. It was a pink Rampant Rabbit and she wanted something new and different, something that would stimulate her clit. I bought her one of those little ones that you can slip on a finger. She loves it.

Now she wants me to buy her some sexy underwear. Actually, I am not sure whether the idea was originally hers or mine, but while sex toys are relatively straightforward things to buy - even in person - sexy underwear is much more difficult. For a start, there's the size issue. She has confided that she is a (UK) dress size 14, and has a 36C bust. That should be enough to go on. But then, what sort of underwear do I go for?

"Do you want something you can wear in public or just in the bedroom?" I asked

"Out" was the reply.

She couldn't be more specific, so I am left wondering whether to go for sexy-but-classy - the sort of thing she wouldn't mind being caught in if she had to go to hospital and they cut her clothes off, or something a little naughtier that would make her feel wanton and sexy, even sluttish, beneath her clothes. I only have tomorrow to find something, as we are meeting tomorrow evening.

Tonight, though, she sees her new guy, Des. She insists she is not going to go to bed with him just yet, but that it will be soon. I am not jealous - not really. But I am curious to find out whether he's better in bed and hearing about her exploits with someone else would be a tremendous turn-on.

Early morning text

2007-06-07T09:10:00.000Z

Chatting on the phone last night, L reiterated that she was not actually attracted to me, but she was really enjoying the sexual relationship that we have. The feeling is mutual. However, because she does not find me attractive, she is actively seeking other men. Both to have sex with (the last 5 years have been spent with one man) and to settle down with. Her earlier text that she was definitely going to shag her latest find came as no real surprise, but it's just a little weird that she can tell me that without any resulting jealousy or hurt.

Weird, but good.

She is also actively encouraging me to 'move on' from Mel - who is still sending me the odd text message enquiring after the state of my awkward life - and find someone of my own. Good advice but easier said than done.

The health of our ongoing relationship was reflected in her early morning text today: "Wanted to move my arse into you & feel your cock getting hard. Have a good day. xx"

I promised to oblige tomorrow night.

Call from Mary

2007-06-06T16:06:00.000Z

Mary called again last night. Once again she was pleasant and cheerful, and sympathetic when I mentioned that packing up her stuff was proving difficult.

Interestingly she mentioned that her application for early release with an electronic tag has been recommended. It now needs to go to the parole board which meets twice weekly, and then the prison governor has the final say. She hopes to get a decision within the next two weeks.

She has not yet received my last letter though, and that was posted two weeks ago. The postal service here is getting worse all the time. A letter posted first-class a week ago last Friday has still not reached my estate agents.

In other news, my brother would have been 42 years old today.

Used like a toy

2007-06-05T08:31:00.000Z

My turn to be confused.

On Sunday night, L and I spent 90 minutes on the phone while she explained why she was confused about the nature of our relationship. At the end of it, both of us tired and in desperate need of sleep, she said that the chat had helped and she felt better.

Then yesterday we both woke up horny, and the now-familiar flirting by suggestive text message began all over again. She told me to remove my trousers while I was sitting here at the PC, and told me how she wanted to kneel in front of me and play with me while I was on the phone. Then she ran out of ideas and we reverted to 'I want you now' messages. She, however, had an appointment at a friends house, so I had an orgasm all by myself. Then she changed her mind and wanted me to come over to hers. I was in the car in 15 minutes.

When I got there, she had left the key to the front door where I could find it, as she was already in bed. We cuddled, we caressed, we fondled, and then I got busy between her legs.

Instead of focussing on what was happening down there, however, she chose to hold a text conversation that was, I thought, both distracting and downright rude. To make matters worse, the person she was conversing with was another guy who she plans to meet soon, and she admits to wanting to shag.

Now I know I said I was more comfortable with this friends-with-benefits thing than she was, but it appears as if our Sunday night chat has had more than the desired effect. While she was arranging to have drinks with another guy, she was insisting that I continue to lick her clitoris and finger her pussy at the same time, all while buried under a very thick duvet that soon had me sweating profusely. All very un-sexy and frankly a little demeaning.

When I finally get a condom on, we tried various positions, but she insisted that I not come before her. Under normal circumstances that would not be a problem; I was used to doing that with Mary. But while I know Mary's body intimately and she is very responsive, L has early-onset menopause and finds it difficult to climax at the best of times. So while I did my best to meet her demands to "fuck me hard" while controlling myself at the same time, it was eventually too much for my poor abused member, and he went temporarily on strike, refusing to stay fully hard. Embarrassing to say the least. What made matter worse was that she was asking me to finger her clit while she was sitting on me, rocking her pelvis back and forth, grinding herself against my pubic bone. Try it, it ain't easy, and I could not manage it for more than a few seconds at a time.

After a short rest, we crawled back under the covers, she got me hard again and within a couple of minutes I was spent. Unfortunately she did tell me that I wasn't leaving until I had come (pardon the pun), so I'm sure she feels that my then-rapid ejaculation was due to my urgent need to get home. It wasn't.

All of this left me feeling like no more than a toy. Yes, that was partly the objective of the day - for me to make her feel good and enjoy herself - but my failure to get her to reach orgasm feels like a failure. She thought that texting another man while directing my attention between her legs was 'sexy' and a 'turn-on', and I felt used and went home feeling very unenthusiastic about our next scheduled meeting on Friday night.

She has promised that Friday will be the best we have ever had and she has a surprise for me. I am wondering whether it is time I laid down some ground rules of my own.

Sexual Positions - funny video clip

2007-06-04T10:28:00.001Z

For a new take on basic sexual positions, watch this amusing clip

Sexual Position Demonstration

Posted Feb 14, 2007

Comedian Lauren Weedman shows us her version of "the basics" when it comes to sexual positions.

Mastery

2007-06-04T09:10:00.001Z

L and I planned an erotic evening on Saturday night. At her request, I had bought her a tiny vibrator that slips onto a finger. I also brought with me a velvet blindfold, a book of sex positions and a pack of condoms so I don't have to remember to always bring a couple with me.

After a nice dinner during which she fed me my dessert one delicious spoonful at a time, we went back to her place. Snuggled up in bed in our underwear, she put on a DVD movie. Expecting something mildly erotic, I was a little disappointed to see the very un-erotic Miss Potter. But it did give me an idea for the next time I go round - Nine 1/2 weeks.

Neither of us really paid the movie too much attention, though, as we were fondling each other the entire time. When it finished, I showed her my presents, and we tried out the small but powerful vibrator. I found it difficult to get it into exactly the right spot and she had to frequently move my hand slightly. Replacing my artificially-endowed finger with my tongue proved more productive and she enjoyed that more. Soon, though, she was pulling me up towards her, and she turned and took my cock into her mouth. She is really good at oral sex and I love her technique.

She asked me to simulate being tied up, with my arms at the head of the bed. I was blindfolded and told not to move. Kneeling between my legs, she hoisted my hips off the bed and her mouth explored my genitals. She pulled my penis into her mouth, licked my perineum, and sucked on my balls. She rimmed her tongue around my anus and inserted a finger which she swirled deliciously inside me.

This was a completely new experience for us. We had pushed the boundaries of what we thought was acceptable into new territories. It felt comfortable, though, natural and very good indeed.

I returned the favour by finger-fucking her hard when she demanded it, then penetrating her in the Mastery and Doggy positions to a very satisfying climax, we crawled under the duvet for a few hours sleep.

In the morning, I awoke with fresh memories of the night before and with a naked female body right beside me, I was very soon erect again. I snuggled up to L's naked back and buttocks, my penis pressing against her bum cleavage. She pushed her hips back into me. I took that as encouragement and placed my erect penis between her legs and up against her vulva. With some gentle movement on both our parts, I was soon inside her again. She felt so tight and wet. Pausing only to pull on another condom, she turned onto her back and lifted her legs over mine, as I entered her again. She handed me her new toy again to play with her clit. The angle wasn't perfect but she started thrusting her hips in time with my thrusts, and it wasn't long before I filled another condom.

Yesterday we exchanged a series of text messages in which L said she was very confused. Neither of us is falling in love with the other - indeed there seems to be no real romantic attachment whatsoever - but the sexual chemistry between us is undeniable. What is causing her confusion is that she felt completely comfortable doing very intimate things with me, and she is having trouble accepting that degree of comfort without the usual emotional attachment that goes along with it. She is, as per our agreement, still chatting with other guys online and on Sunday evening had a first date with one, which she enjoyed. It served only to increase her confusion. How can she enjoy a purely (and intensely enjoyable) sexual relationship with me, while also dating other men? But she has to date other men because she knows that our relationship cannot last forever and she needs an emotionally satisfying relationship.

I hope that we can continue this... naughty liaison as long as we are both having fun. The relationship will evolve naturally anyway. Either we develop an emotional attachment or one of us meets someone else and we revert to being just friends. I would be disappointed if we stopped enjoying each others bodies, but it would not be the end of the world. She acknowledges that she would be more hurt if we stopped. What does that say about her feelings?

Baggy shorts

2007-06-01T14:29:00.001Z

Many years ago, Mary and I drove five hours to visit a friend in another city. It was a hot and sunny long weekend and we enjoyed the trip immensely. Our relationship was less than two years old and we were madly in love.

I remember driving back home again on the Sunday. Mary was wearing a pair of baggy salmon-pink shorts. We were horny and she started feeling my crotch through my jeans. I returned the favour and discovered that I could slip my fingers inside the leg of her shorts, inside her skimpy panties and find her clitoris. She was always very responsive, and it wasn't too long before she had an orgasm at 75mph.

Today I found those same shorts while packing away her remaining clothing - the stuff she left behind when she first moved out. Going through someone's clothing is a very intimate activity. When that someone is your ex-wife, it cannot but stir some emotions. Packing away her clothing brought back so many memories; some of them involving a sexual activity of some sort.

In amongst the old woollen jumpers, and the black trousers that showed off her arse so well, there was the diaphanous blouse that she wore with a wonderbra beneath that got all the guys looking twice. There was also the completely see-through lace dress that she wore with only a black thong when we went to a couples club in Holland, and had pictures taken.

Each item, I folded and placed carefully into a box. Each item brought on a sense of sadness, of regret. Maybe N is right - that I would take her back if that's what she wanted. I know I shouldn't, and I know that this feeling is driven by the memories I have just relived, but still...

I don't know if she realised how much of her stuff she left behind. I have filled two large boxes already; one with clothing from the drawers under the bed and one with shoes and bedding. And there is still an entire wardrobe of hanging jackets, blouses and trousers that has still to be packed.

I'll do it later. I need a moment.

Unproductive

2007-05-31T09:47:00.000Z

I had loads of good intentions of doing some packing and sorting at home yesterday while G was away, but after what happened yesterday morning, I needed to have some breakfast and get into a hot bath. I even took a mug of tea and a magazine into the bath with me, so that by the time I got out, it was nearly midday. Then a warning light on my car's dashboard got me worried enough to take my car to the garage. They didn't seem overly concerned and booked it in for next week. Then I did some grocery shopping and by then it was time for afternoon tea and thinking about dinner.

Then I got a text from G asking if he could stay at N's place for a second night. I admit my immediate thought was that I could then spend another night at L's. but that plan went sour when she was called to an emergency at a friend's place. Instead I cooked dinner for myself and watched a movie on TV before going to bed.

Productivity Score: 2/10 (at least I did some shopping)

Paralysed.

2007-05-30T10:57:00.000Z

L and I got back to her place well after eleven last night, with a couple of kebabs for dinner, because by the time I got to the pub where we'd arranged to meet, they had stopped serving food. So it was nearly midnight by the time we were both in bed and trying to warm each others bodies in the unseasonably chilly night air.

As is becoming customary, we spent a long time on foreplay; just touching, stroking and playing with each other. She does not like to be hurried. Eventually, I sank down to lap at her willing pussy, but after failing to generate an orgasm that way she pulled me up and with condom in place, I entered her very slowly. At first, I moved gently, patiently.

"Ahhh," she said. "That's sooo nice."I positioned myself so that my glans rubbed persistently over her G spot.

"I'm paralysed," she moaned in a husky whisper. I grinned and continued the slow thrusts that she obviously enjoyed.

"Harder!" she asked. I obliged, and moved faster and a little deeper too. She moaned louder and I could feel her inner muscles squeezing me. I shifted position slightly, and lifted her legs up then pumped harder still.

"Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes," she whispered as I tried to set a rhythm that would bring the orgasm I so wanted her to have. But it was not to be, and despite stopping for a moment and starting again, I was the first to come. She did not seem at all disappointed and grinned hugely as I lay down beside her and she cuddled into my shoulder, her leg thrown across mine. She talked about wanting to tie me up next time. Sounds interesting!

It was around 2a.m. when the radio turned itself off, but by that time L was snoring, and it was a while before I fell asleep.

I awoke shortly after 6, but we dozed fitfully until nearly 8, when L got up to make us both a cup of tea. A short while later, our mugs empty, we lay side by side chatting, when her phone rang. It was a friend needing a favour and she had to go. She had a very quick shower, but I was not offered the opportunity of a shower nor breakfast, which would have been nice. Instead I dressed quickly and we both left at the same time, her to her friend, me home and a long bubble bath.

I am getting used to this 'friends-with-benefits' thing. It's not the first time I have had a purely sexual relationship with someone - more about that another time - but this time, she is a genuine friend first and foremost. Even if the sex stops - most likely because one or the other of us has an exclusive relationship with someone else - we will still remain friends. Of that, I am sure. She even confessed to meeting someone for a date the other day, saying she might see him again as friends. It's obvious from her behaviour that she is not falling in love with me, which is curiously comforting. I do wonder how much she wants to give her heart to someone. And how much I do.

I must admit that, at the moment, the presence of someone I can turn to when I need a friend AND the ready availability of good sex has meant that I am less bothered to get into a more traditional emotionally-charged relationship.

Lets see where this takes us. It can't last forever, but we can have some fun in the meantime.

Enemies to friends

2007-05-29T08:21:00.000Z

Mary phoned again last week. The primary reason for the call was to speak to G, of course, but then he passed the phone to me and we chatted for almost half an hour. It must cost her a fortune, but it is so nice to hear her being more cheerful. All the anger and suspicion has gone, and she is being genuinely friendly.

Her letters are the same. Interestingly, It is apparently N's opinion that I would take her back in an instant if she asked. She asked me if that was true. I said I wouldn't rule it out, but it was very unlikely. Do I still love her? Maybe I do, a little. Am I happy to live without her. Absolutely.

She has offered to give me a chance to visit her again. On my own. Because it would use up one of her 'privilege visits', she has asked me not to tell either G or N about it. I hate keeping things from people, and if I wanted to drive a wedge between her and N, this is an easy way to do it, but I have no reason to be nasty and I genuinely want her to trust me. I would simply rather we be friends than enemies.

I am now waiting for the visitor order to arrive. The visit will be on a Thursday, so I will have to take a day off work. I mentioned it to L last night and she offered to come with me since she has friends in the same town she would like to visit.
"We'll take my car, so I can go to my friends," she said.
No, I don't think so. My car has leather seats, climate control and a 6-disc CD changer. I'll be going in mine, thanks. Besides, she would probably want to smoke.

Ignore her completely

2007-05-29T07:26:00.000Z

Mel is still confusing the hell out of me.

She is sending the occasional text message asking innocuous questions, like "How's the packing going?", expecting a nice friendly reply from the ex-boyfriend who is now her mate. Except we are not friends. I have made that abundantly clear on more than one occasion, but she insists on forgetting about that a couple of days later and contacting me again. After calling me a very very sad person and a wanker on Saturday, on Monday she invited me to hers for dinner. With Gareth. As mates. Unbelievable!!

L has advised me to just ignore her. I tried that on Saturday, but just got another note 90 minutes later complaining of the way I was treating her!! I am intensely curious as to how she really feels. She insists she does not want me as a boyfriend, so why does she want so much to be friends? Or does she really, secretly, want something more and is too proud to admit it? Either way, I can't understand the inconsistent behaviour and I don't need her brand of friendship either.

I suppose L is right - the more I read Mel's texts the more upset I feel. Ignoring her completely and consistently is the only way to get the message across.

Bye, Mel - it was nice for the first couple of weeks.

Guilty

2007-05-26T08:55:00.000Z

G went to visit his mother again today. This time, though, because N planned to come and pick him up really early, I suggested that G stay the night at N's place. He seemed disturbingly excited at the prospect. Later, he told me that they planned a Rocky-Balboa-till-midnight kind of evening. I hope he was able to wake up this morning.

I told L that I was free, but she had arranged to go to a friends to babysit her young kids. But when I texted her that the house was empty and I felt a little lonely, she suggested spending the night at hers when she got back. I happily agreed, but then, after watching tv I ran a bath and added some Radox, and began to feel really sleepy. By the time I got out and dried myself it was about 11:30 and my eyes felt heavy. And still L had not texted me to say she was home. I lay down on the bed, wondering whether I should get dressed, and what I should wear, but also wondering whether I shouldn't just roll over and go to sleep. I remember hearing my phone - vibrating on silent mode - and being too tired to reach out for it. I slept well.

This morning, I discovered she had sent one text at 12:30 saying she was still at her friends. Then she phoned me just before 1 a.m. then sent another text at 1:22 asking me to let her know I was okay. I felt guilty and sent a text saying sorry.

The other day she asked me if I would want to meet someone - a friend of hers. She made it clear that this friend wasn't to know that she had been set up, but I was to contact her online. I asked what this friend was looking for but got no answer. L promised that if I sent a nice message, that she would tell me more. So I did. We haven't actually spoken since; all our 'conversations' taking place via SMS. I am supposed to go to hers tonight, but with G being away from home last night I am reluctant to fob him off to my mothers again tonight. We still have a date for Tuesday evening, though. We can talk then.

BAD.

2007-05-24T21:31:00.000Z

I did something BAD the other day.

I left work early (very early), drove to L's place and spent two hours in her bed. Oh, sure, the first twenty minutes were spent in the back garden chatting, but soon she led me upstairs and we got into bed. Pretty soon our clothes littered the bedroom floor and we were touching and feeling each others most intimate places. Yes, with the radio playing in the background.

She took me expertly in her mouth, and said she really enjoyed it. I reciprocated, and finally she straddled my face, and while sucking furiously on me, she bucked her hips against my flickering tongue to a shuddering orgasm. We lay back on the pillows to cuddle for a while before she got me hard again (it's not difficult), I rolled on a condom and entered her.

On a purely physical level it felt good. Really good. But emotionally there was nothing. I like this woman. She is a good friend, but we will never be anything more than we are now. Fuck Buddies.

Radio

2007-05-20T20:49:00.000Z

Last night L and I had dinner and then went back to her place. Unfortunately she had her niece staying over, and a neighbour visiting. It was late by the time L and I went upstairs to her bedroom. It was embarrassing when her daughter came home and entered the room to say goodnight to her mother, to find a naked man in bed with her. To her eternal credit, she simply said hello to me (addressing me by name), said goodnight to her mother and went to bed herself.

After about two hours of foreplay, L finally felt ready to make love (I kid you not). It was nice, and we cuddled a lot afterwards, but L has the weirdest bedtime habit - radio. Yes, radio. She keeps her bedside radio on all the time. Even falls asleep to it. Fortunately it has a 'sleep' function so it switches itself off every hour, but it took me a long time to fall asleep, and not long to wake up. I probably had about three hours sleep.

When L got up to make a cup of tea, I got dressed and went downstairs to find the niece asleep on the sofa, and the daughter dressed and ready for work. Again, she greeted me with a smile. She's a cool kid. I left for home at about 8:30.

Driving down the motorway, I tried to understand how I was feeling. Not easy, because I was feeling a number of things.

* Satisfied because I got laid.
* Happy because a woman finds me attractive and her daughter seems to like me too.
* Guilty because I slept with a woman I am not attracted to in the slightest and who's smoking habit I despise.

L and I are friends. We could be great friends, but I do not want a romantic relationship with her. I am beginning to suspect that she might feel differently, despite what she says. We have agreed that this is very much a friends-with-benefits thing, but I am not sure L can settle for that.

Logically what would be best is that we remain just friends; no 'benefits'. But the more I get to know the outwardly naive and reserved woman, the more I know that she can come out of her shell when given half a chance and be as kinky as the next frustrated woman. I like the fact that she likes me and desires me. That she wants to sleep with me again. Am I sad enough to take advantage of that and risk a real friendship?

Apparently.

Kids!

2007-05-18T14:50:00.000Z

L and I sat down on her sofa and chatted over a cup of tea. It was the sort of nice comfortable conversation that friends have. It was only a matter of time, though, before our curiosity about each other - and our lust - took over and we got physical.

And then her daughter arrived!

We spent the next couple of hours just talking. While her daughter lay sunbathing outside, we sat on the sofa with another cup of tea and talked. At my request, she snuggled into me, and I received no objections to my hand squirming its way inside her blouse and bra to cup her perfectly-sized breasts.

It was about this time that we discussed the nature of our relationship. You see, we started out as online friends. Then we became text friends, then telephone friends. Until recently, I had only met her once and was not particularly attracted to her. I am still telling her about my relationship with Mel, so that definitely qualifies her as a friend, and she is telling me about her friends and the recent affair she had with a married man. We are definitely friends. But it is looking more and more likely that we will soon transition to being friends-with-benefits. Neither of us is sure whether it will stay that way, transition to something else, or revert back to vanilla friendship.

Needless to say it was a frustrating afternoon, but when it was time for me to leave, she asked when I would next be free, and we have arranged to meet again tomorrow evening as she is going out with friends tonight.

Period.

2007-05-17T21:38:00.000Z

It's known by many names - on the rag, aunt flo, the monthlies, the curse, and many others, but you all know what I'm talking about. Yep, that time of the month.

L and I were going to reschedule our rendezvous from the night before, but at first she said she was hungover (not really a lie either), then finally came out and said she had her period and it was a bad one. In sympathy, I offered to come and cuddle. She said that was what she wanted too, so I am going round tomorrow - I have the day off.

We have spent all evening flirting by text. SMS is the best medium invented for getting people hot and bothered... and frustrated. But just when I told her she had me all horny, she has made me promise not to play with myself tonight, because she might 'help me out'. Oooooh!

"Maybe"

2007-05-15T22:04:00.000Z

Quite a day.

I arranged to go to L's place for sex tonight, but then got blown off because she had a prior engagement..... a pub quiz night!! I'm hurt.

I had an email conversation with Mel, who admitted that she still cares for me, but doesn't love me. So why did she dump me again? Oh Boy! So we agreed that "maybe" we could start again when G goes back to live with his mother. I am not holding my breath.

I had a delightful 48-minute conversation with a new girl from the dating site. She turned down an offer of a chat on msn, but gave me her mobile number so I called her this evening. She sounds really nice. I said I will call again soon. I will.

I also got a letter from Mary. A NICE ONE! Yes, that is worth noting in capital letters because it's the first letter I have ever received from her which contains a 'thank you' and four 'sorry's. She is being NICE! At last! There is, after all, some hope that we may be at least civil to each other from now on.

L - update

2007-05-13T21:25:00.000Z

On Saturday afternoon, as arranged, I drove out to L's place, and we went to a local pub for lunch. The food was good, the banter even better. We discussed sex for 90% of the time.

When we got back to her place, we sat on the sofa, and I touched her leg. My hand stoked the denim over her thighs, but I got no reaction. Time passed and she introduced me to Face Party, showed me her profile and browsed for women to hook me up with.

Now that's a cool thing for a friend to do, but I thought we were going to have sex? Apparently not.

No sooner had I got home when my phone vibrated.

"I wish u had shaved."

Oh.... My... God!

It is true that I hadn't shaved, but my beard does not grow that quickly and I had shaved the day before. My 24-hour stubble, though, was apparently a deal-breaker, so we both went frustrated.

Chatting by phone earlier this evening, she admitted that she was all ready to get me into bed, but was disappointed that I hadn't shaved. Bugger!

Lesson learned for next time. Assuming there is one.

Mel - update

2007-05-13T21:15:00.000Z

Well, it didn't exactly go according to plan, but then what did I expect - they are women after all.

Firstly, Mel sent me a text to say she had forgotten the books she borrowed (giving them back to me was ostensibly the reason she agreed to have a drink on Friday), so would I come round to her place instead for a glass of wine? Does Donald Duck have a speech impediment?

Then, she asked what I was going to do with G. I said I would prefer to put him to bed and go round to hers later. She declined and promptly cancelled the entire evening. She just can't make up her mind! It seems that she cannot cope with me having to put my son first, but doesn't want me to choose her over him. I really don't understand women.

So I was really surprised when, in the middle of Saturday afternoon, she texted me again:

"I can't give u what u want. mates pls x"

Mates??? How's that going to work then? She's not interested in the 'complications' in my life, and she doesn't want a romantic relationship, so what the hell does she think we'd talk about?

I replied: "Don't think I can just be your mate. Too awkward."
Mel: "Ok fine"
Me: "But I miss you"
Mel: "yes and me you x"

What? She is missing me too??

Then to top it all, today she texts to ask whether G went to visit his mum this weekend. I thought she wasn't interested? I am SO confused by that woman!

Tears

2007-05-12T10:24:00.000Z

Mary called last night and mentioned that her tagging application has been filed.

"Tagging?" I asked

Apparently, she has applied to have one of those electronic tags fitted that allow the penal system to get their least dangerous inmates out of valuable prison cells and back into society without losing track of them completely. The process can take anything from a week to six weeks, but prison officials have said that she is sure to get approval. A cynic would ask why wouldn't they say that. She says she's not getting her hopes up, but that's a lie. She will be devastated if they don't grant it, and so will G.

Speaking of G, he's gone to visit her today, but this morning we had a frantic search to find his birth certificate, which is the only form of ID he has. At one point, he was in floods of tears when he feared that he would not be allowed to see his mother.

After almost an hour of fruitless hunting, G phoned N who confirmed that he has it.

Phew!

I think I have been greatly underestimating the effect that his mother's incarceration has had on him. L advised me last night to be more sympathetic to him, and get him to talk more about what he's feeling. I'll try.

Focus on the fun

2007-05-12T08:36:00.000Z

I have given up on Mel. I have finally realised that we are not meant to be together. Even if she did agree to put her feelings about G aside, she is still too wrapped up in her own problems to actually devote much time to a relationship. She will be starting a new job in London soon, she has a 19-year old daughter (and her boyfriend) who live with her and they are both bone idle lazy and don't pay anything towards the rent. It was hardly any wonder that she didn't want to know how much baggage I am carrying around.

In the meantime, after our erotically-charged text conversation on Monday, L and I have arranged to spend this afternoon together. Well, a few hours of it at least. G is away visiting his mother and L's daughter is away, too. Her 'no strings?' comment on Monday suggests that we could be friends with benefits / fuck buddies / whatever. And that's okay with me at the moment. I enjoyed the emotional attachment I had with Mel for a while, but it would also be nice not to have to worry so much about the relationship, and focus instead on having fun.

Update to follow later.

L and Mel

2007-05-11T07:14:00.000Z

When Mel and I broke up last weekend, I retained some hope that one day we might get back together again. When I got a text from her asking for my work address so that she could post back some books I had lent her, I asked if we could meet instead. I tried to remind her that we once had something we both thought was special, and that I hoped to rekindle that feeling one day.

She made no promises but agreed to meet for a drink this evening.

However....

My burgeoning relationship with L makes me feel more than a little guilty. L is a good friend, a great listener and she has provided some good advice in the past. I think whatever happens, we would be good friends. I am not really attracted to her but the opportunity to turn our friendship into one with benefits is proving very tempting indeed, especially since Mel and I split.

This has made me feel that re-igniting my relationship with Mel is less important, somehow. Her apparent intention to date other people and her 'making no promises' attitude leads me to believe that I may be wasting my time in her direction. Does that make me shallow? What happened to all those feelings for her I thought I had a few short weeks ago?

This evening may tell me something. When I sit down across a table from Mel, I will know what me heart feels, and I can decide whether I still feel about her the way I used to. If I do, I have a difficult decision to make. If she feels the same way, I would want us to be exclusive and I will have to keep L as just a friend. If Mel is not ready for that and wants to date other people, I don't know what I will do. It may be easier - less painful - to just break it off now.

Then, hopefully, tomorrow will tell me even more when I meet L for a few hours. If we hit it off, it will further complicate my feelings.

Watch this space.