Invitations

Vicky and I chatted on MSN again last night. Curiously, although we both have each other's phone numbers, we have yet to hear each other's voices. The impact of technology, eh!

Considering the fact that we first got in contact only a few days ago, and we really don't know each other yet, our conversations are getting increasingly personal. We talked about wanting to meet up sooner rather than later (we are both desperate to meet in person), about public displays of affection, and about stroking and kissing. I invited her out to a lovely restaurant near me, but said the problem was it was too far to take her home again afterwards. She replied that it would have to wait until she could spend the night! Then, towards the end of our conversation, she said she would love it if I drove all the way to see her just to spend a day in her bed.

We shouldn't be this forward with each other yet, surely?!

I really hope that she does not turns out to be disappointing in the flesh. I think. I will be very disappointed if I don't like her or I'm not attracted to her. But on the other hand, I don't want to get too involved with someone when there's still a chance that Susie and I could get together.

Yesterday she sent me her private phone number and her home address. Out of the blue. For no other reason than that she was giving me another level of trust. She said. Why now, I wondered? Is this the precursor to an invitation? She recently said that she needs more time before we meet up again. But she also said that my meeting other women made her slightly jealous.

I told Vicky that, despite how fast this was going, we should just "go with the flow" and see how things went. It's almost inevitable that, in the next week or two we will end up naked together. I am looking forward to that, but I don't think I should tell Susie. I don't want to hurt her. But if that was true, I wouldn't be planning to sleep with someone else in the first place, would I? Oh God, I am such a mess!

And just to make matters even worse, someone I have been trying to go out with for months finally said she was 'less busy' now and could find time to meet me. I know I shouldn't have, but we have made a date for Tuesday.

I can't win!

I emailed Susie to ask about her weekend, and to tell her what I had been doing (buying a new sofa). Then I casually mentioned that I had met someone online, and that we had agreed to meet up in a couple of weeks. Her response shocked me a little.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but I felt a slight twinge of jealousy about your new date. But I sincerely wish you the best. Let me know."
So let's see, either I feel guilty for seeing other women and make Susie jealous in the process, or I don't and make her 'uncomfortable' that I am waiting for her! I can't win!

But I am delighted that she is admitting to having more feelings for me than perhaps even she expected. I still don't think she is ready for a relationship yet, but I am not entirely sure how to deal with this situation. I don't want to confront Susie about it; that will just push her further away. I also don't want to make her feel jealous or uncomfortable. So what do I do? See other women, but lie about it??

It is becoming clear to me, though, that this is not making either of us truly happy.

Meeting Vicky on MSN

I tweaked my online profile over the weekend, and whatever I did it had a pronounced effect. I was contacted by three separate women, all in one day.

One lived way too far away, and she was a pet lover - instant deal-breaker. The second added me as one of her favourites, but didn't respond when I emailed her. The third, however was a different story.

Vicky's profile was promising. She is a non-smoker, social drinker, is the right age, has two grown-up kids, and likes my profile. That always helps, doesn't it? We exchanged emails in quick succession because we were both online at the same time, and soon progressed to MSN. That was at about nine-ish in the evening, and the next time I looked at the clock it was nearly midnight! The last time I had got so carried away was my first date with Susie. Interestingly, she kept switching her MSN photos, and the others all showed her in a more flattering light than the one on her dating site profile.

To my amazement, Vicky was very complimentary, saying that she was considering deleting her profile when my picture showed up. She clicked it and up came my profile and she decided to get in touch. She called me 'gorgeous' and 'delicious'. I think she should have gone to Specsavers. When we started talking about meeting face-to-face, I asked if she fancied coffee, a drink or should we go the whole hog and do dinner. Her reply was to ask if we should make a day of it!! Here's a girl who knows what she wants.

I am seriously flattered; who wouldn't be. In at least one of her photos she looks very attractive, and (at least online) we get along very well indeed. She has a good sense of humour, she's not backward in coming forward if you know what I mean, and we both can't wait to meet for real.

The downsides are that she lives about 80 miles away and she doesn't drive! She also works shifts so for two weeks at a time (starting today for instance), she works nights. But we chatted on MSN again last night and talked at length about meeting up. We have arranged to meet in two weeks time for a picnic, some sight-seeing, maybe dinner. Who knows how it will turn out but I am looking forward to it.

There is every chance that this could turn into a 'proper' relationship. One with lots of kisses and cuddles and some urgent, desperate sex. It has every chance of turning into the relationship I have been looking for. So why do I feel guilty about it?

Trying to move on

The ex-colleague I emailed earlier in the week is out of the country at the moment, but should be back "in a few weeks". She did say that she would like to get together for a drink when she gets back to the UK, so that story will have to go on hold for now.

In the meantime, while I have been brooding over the loss of Susie, I received a message on the dating site from someone I have exchanged emails with for about 3 months. She has always been "too busy" to meet, but now, out of the blue, I get a message asking if we can meet. I said yes, and asked her to name the time and place. Check back later.

I have to try to move on.

Horny?

Earlier today I felt strangely horny. Strangely, because I haven't felt this way for almost a week.

So when I got home, I took out a porn movie and some lubricant and took them into the lounge for later. And now it is later, and I am no longer horny.
I am off to bed.
To sleep.
Alone.

(Sigh)

Craving affection

What is it about us - well, some of us anyway - that makes us crave affection?

While I was seeing Susie, I didn't really think about seeing anyone else. At one point, she suggested that I see other people, but I, of course, didn't want to. But today I tried to contact an ex-colleague to see if she fancied a drink.

Let's see how I feel when I am with someone else.... if she replies at all.

Music for the road

Here's a little tip:

When you drive 560 miles in two days, you have a lot of time to think. So you listen to music right? What do you listen to when you don't want to spend too much time thinking about the perfect woman who doesn't love you?

NOT GARY MOORE!

"I'm always gonna love you,
if loving means forever.
I'm always gonna want you.
I don't think I could ever
just forget the love we had."

"When he's alone, she's never there to see him
crying in the shadows
of a love he used to know,
but now it's all over."

etc, etc, etc.

Fantastic music, but Man, he can be depressing!

Heartbroken

I have been getting mixed messages from Susie for ages, virtually since day 1. Although our relationship has been growing steadily and we have slowly been getting closer, she has on various occasions mentioned that she could not see us having a relationship.

Then yesterday, she asked if we should take a break. I panicked and laid out the options as I saw them :
*) Carry on as we were
*) Just be friends
*) Take a break and don't see each other for a while
*) Stop seeing each other completely
*) Jump into bed together and see what happens.

Contrary to what you might think, I suggested the first option. As I saw it, it left all options open and left me with the chance of salvaging the relationship. It also left her with an undiminished level of confusion.

She chose option 4, and said we should not see each other any more. I was completely devastated! The woman I love so much was breaking up with me. I have been a complete idiot! I have cocked up a relationship with limitless potential by putting too much pressure on her. I feel so stupid!!

My only faint ray of hope is that she finished off her email to me with:
"Maybe we can talk in a day or two if that is helpful."

I wonder whether all she really wants is some space. To think without pressure from me. If I thought it would do any good, I would pray that she contacts me again. I daren't contact her. At least not yet.

Ten things I most want to do with Susie

These are the ten experiences I would most like to share with the woman I love, in order. This list is subject to alteration without notice. Not all are entirely feasible, but hey!

10) A private dinner at the finest restaurant I can find, dressed to the nines.
9) Stay up all night talking and listening to music, then watching the sun rise.
8) Be introduced to her friends as her 'boyfriend'.
7) Attend the party celebrating the launch of her book.
6) Stroll hand-in hand along a deserted tropical beach at sunset, barefoot.
5) Watch her choice of porn movie together.
4) Buy a holiday home in Tuscany together.
3) Go skinny-dipping in a hotel swimming pool at midnight.
2) Scrub her body all over with a loofah.
1) Make love in Amsterdam under the influence of cannabis.

Thinking about it

I spoke to V today, and found out why she hasn't been speaking to me recently.

After getting no reply from her mobile, then having my calls rejected, I called her home number, which she may have forgotten I had. Co-incidentally, she had just sent me an email, which explained that she no longer thought I was a suitable guy for her. It relates to our conversation last week, during which I told her some of the things Mary and I got up to during our time together. V spent two days thinking about it, then decided that she didn't want to be involved with someone who had once been a swinger, and did things he's not proud of.

Ironically, I told her all this because I wanted to be honest with her, and I specifically mentioned that I no longer wanted that lifestyle. Perhaps she missed that last part or didn't believe it.

Anyway, today I reminded her of this, and asked only that she take 24 hours to think about it. I await her response. I am trying to think about how I will feel if she does not change her mind. A key factor is that I have believed that our relationship has been over since Thursday, so I have had time to consider it. My conclusion is that :
1) Although she is a lovely person and I enjoy spending time with her, I do not love her, and don't think I ever will.
2) My heart belongs to Susie.

Of dildos and threesomes

Yesterday Susie and I had lunch together at Bluewater. Over pannini and tea, I told her about V and about Sue, and she told me about her sister's relationship problems. Then we walked around and did a little shopping. Flicking through a free magazine, we looked longingly at an article on romantic getaways. Looking solely at the photographs of the destinations, Susie picked her favourites in order. Amazingly, they coincided almost perfectly with mine. For a moment, I allowed myself to dream of walking hand in hand with her along a sandy beach at sunset, and my heart soared. I desperately wanted to hug her.

We left the shop, and strolled around and talked of other things. Things of a more sexual nature. She mentioned buying some new toys since she has been single, and when pressed she told me about her favourite - the little beauty pictured above.

She had already bought tickets to see St Trinians, but as we were still a little early, we stopped off for a drink, and the conversation continued along a sexual theme. She revealed some intensely personal details, including how long it has been since she has had sex, and that she has been enjoying a lot of 'solo action'. I was so turned on, and worried that I was putting her off. I was relieved when she reached out to hold my hand. At that point, I could almost have cried. As I told her, there is a fair-sized gap between friends and lovers, and I am not sure where we are within that gap. Are we more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend? Where lies the boundary of what behaviour is acceptable without 'crossing the line'? She had no answer. I think we are going to have to sort that out over time.

The film was hilarious. We laughed a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. Equally enjoyable for me was that she linked her arm through mine or rested her hand on my arm throughout. When it was over, she stopped at the foot of the stairs, and, as the credits were rolling, she asked:
"So who did you fancy the most?"
For half a second I was shocked, then lost for words, and finally I scratched around for who had made the biggest impression on me. I couldn't remember the name of the character or the actress, but I described Celia, played by Juno Temple, who has a very low-key role but she is very attractive.

We walked towards the car park and separated with the briefest of kiss and a more intimate hug. Again, I didn't want to let her go. I had not even got out to the motorway before my phone rang. I looked down and saw Susie's picture.
"Hello!"
"Hi," she said. "I just wanted to say that for me, it's Kelly."

I laughed out loud, and drove home in a state of sheer bliss.

Un-loved

What does it mean when the woman you have been dating for about 6 weeks, and sleeping with for about 4, suddenly stops answering your text messages?

After our encounter on Monday night, we exchanged texts on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday lunchtime. Since then, nothing. I sent her three text messages yesterday, without a single response. Is she angry with me about something? Has she decided not to see me again? If so, it would have been nice if she had told me of her decision.

Surely it's rude to break up with someone by simply not speaking to them again?

Co-incidentally, my text messages last night to L and to Susie and Sue - and an ex-colleague - also all went unanswered. I am feeling particularly un-loved at the moment!

Sue - first date

I met someone new last night. Sue contacted me via the dating site by making me one of her 'favourites'. I responded with an email and pretty soon we were arranging to meet for a drink.

We met at a country pub/restaurant halfway between her town and mine. I arrived promptly at 8, and no sooner had I reversed the car into a parking spot facing the entrance when I saw her car arrive. We waved hello, then went inside together. She wore blue jeans that clung to generous hips and thighs and a black vee-neck top that showed just the right amount of cleavage and a smart jacket. Black boots completed the ensemble. Her hair is blonde... -ish, thick and straight, hanging down to her collar, with a fringe.

We ordered drinks and sat down. I had not had the opportunity to have something to eat before leaving home, so I ordered food as well, so she joined me by having a starter. We sat side-by-side and chatted easily. I told her about Mary, and G and N; she told me about her ex-partner and her children. We talked about online dating, and she told me what she described as a 'horror story' involving a chap from Slovakia who barely spoke English. I told her about Mel and Becky. I didn't tell her about V, nor about Susie.

After we'd eaten and re-filled our glasses, she mentioned that she still wondered about her ex-boyfriend who still contacted her occasionally. Then she actually asked me whether it was a good thing to go backwards and see an ex again. Should she go back to dating him again, she asked?

I knew then that there was no 'spark'. That she had no real interest in me. Fortunately I felt similarly. She is actually a very nice person, not unattractive for her age, apparently normal and easy to talk to. When we left and walked back to where the cars were parked, I said,
"Because you are asking me whether you should go back and see your ex-boyfriend, I take it that you and I haven't really hit it off?"
She smiled and I realised that she hadn't realised the implications of what she had been saying.
"Well," she said, "I think that's true. I mean you seem nice, but... How do you feel?"
"I think you are attractive, easy to talk to and honest... I tell you what - how about we meet again, for a bit longer, see how we get on then, and decide whether this goes anywhere or not."
She agreed, we hugged, she kissed me gently on the lips and we each drove off.

I sent her a text when I got home : "Was nice to meet you and I would like to see you again. Maybe dinner and a movie next time?"
Her reply: "Thanks for a nice evening, and yes, maybe next time dinner."

Today, I am not so sure I want to see her again.

Love and Friendship

It was well after midnight when V left, and I tried to call Susie, but her phone was already switched off. I checked emails, and found one from her:

"As you haven't called back, I can only assume you are "entertaining", which is a good thing!

I believe that contact between us will only prevent you from forming long lasting relationships with others. Maybe I should back off and leave you to it. This is not said out of any jealous feeling, but simply because I truly want you to be happy."

I tried to formulate a response, but after spending half an hour editing my ramblings and still not being happy, I gave up. I could not find the right words to say what I felt without pushing her further away.

I don't want her to back off. I am seeing other people (obviously) but I still love her and I don't want her thinking that I am better off without her; that she is getting in the way. I cannot, therefore, give her any sign that I am focussing on her to the detriment of my relationships with others. I am scared shitless that she will stop seeing me altogether. She has said that we will nevertheless be friends, but that's not what I want.

Tonight we got a chance to talk on the phone about some of this, and I told her that I was not entirely sure that I could be just her friend. Hypothetically, I said, if I meet the woman of my dreams and fall in love with her, I can envisage my love for that person replacing my love for her, in which case I would be happy to be her friend.

But as long as I actually love Susie, and there is a chance that we will one day be together, I cannot be 'just' her friend.

Sensitive clit

Last night, V and I went out to a pub for dinner. We talked for ages about our history, and she unloaded a bit about her last relationship. I didn't mind at all - I like getting to know the women I am dating - but she actually apologised for it. Funny girl.

Then my phone rang. "Unknown" it said, so I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!" said Susie's cheerful voice.
"Hi, how are you?" I asked. There must have been something in my voice.
"Oh, are you with someone at the moment?"
"Um.. Yes." I couldn't lie, but I felt guilty that I was with another woman when she called.
"Oh, sorry," she said.
"No, it's fine," I replied. "I will call you back later."

After dinner, V and I drove back to my place. She was cold and stood with her bum against the radiator, so I hugged her, and fondled her and kissed her. She is a good kisser, and a good snog always gets my motor running. Soon I was inching her skirt up over her hips and grabbing her backside. My fingers ran over the back of her thigh and between her legs.

Then we broke apart and I guided her towards the sofa. I sat her down and knelt on the floor. I opened the snaps on her body stocking and plunged my face into her bush. She sighed and rolled her hips appreciatively as my tongue flicked over her clit and then she giggled and squeezed her legs closed.
"Let me return the favour," she suggested, so I sat beside her and she took me in her mouth. In a short while, I could feel the first stirrings from down below that signal the onset of orgasm, and said:
"No, I want to make love with you."
She smiled. "It's a bit sensitive at the moment," she said.
"Too sensitive?"
She nodded.

Disappointed, I lay back again while she used her mouth and hands on me until I made her hands and my belly all sticky.

I find it fascinating that V gets so sensitive after oral sex that she cannot enjoy penetrative sex (or was she lying?), while Mary found that a clitoral orgasm really got her juices flowing (literally and figuratively) and made her want to be penetrated even more.

If any women are reading this, would you care to comment?

I need someone

I have to confess to feeling more than a little guilty. My guilt arises from the fact that I am seeing - and sleeping with - V, while my true affections lie with Susie.

If a friend of mine told me this, I would probably advise him to be true to the woman he loved and gently break up with the other. But it's not that simple. It never is. The fact that Susie does not love me back and actually wants me to date other people adds an extra dimension. In fact it serves only to confuse me further. I need physical contact, affection, even to be loved. Not that V has given any indication that she loves me, but we get on well enough. I like her, but I can't see myself loving her. But she is currently the only woman available for the physical contact thing. I feel so guilty about it, but I need to have someone in my life; even if I know it's not going to last. Does that make sense? Am I being selfish? It feels like I am cheating.

I saw Susie again yesterday for coffee. We talked for a good couple of hours, and once again, all those familiar feelings returned. At one point, we were discussing some of the similarities between our respective marriage break-ups, and it got really emotional. I felt a lump in my throat, and her eyes were moist. For a long moment, there was a real emotional connection. When we hugged goodbye, I had to tear myself away.

But I know Susie is not ready for a relationship just yet. So I will be patient, and be her friend, for that's what she really needs.