Not the answer I wanted

How do you know when you love someone?

Is it when you get sweaty palms and your heart beats faster when you see them? Is it when you can't bear to be apart, or miss them all the time you are apart?

I know I love Susie by my reaction to the email I received from her on Thursday evening, in response to mine giving her directions to my place:

"I have been trying to find the right words for days and I simply don't have them.... I cannot understand why any woman would not wish to be with you (me included), but I'm afraid I just cannot make myself feel the things that I want to feel with you. I hate to do this but I cannot be any more than platonic with you. I am so, so sorry."

I knew from the very first sentence what she was trying to tell me. My heart didn't sink; it pounded. Out loud I said "On No!". As I read on, it became worse, if anything. She said some very nice things about me, but made it clear that we should not see each other for a while. I was devastated. All my recent hopes shattered in an instant. This was the one woman I had met since my marriage broke up, who I could seriously see having a future with. And now I knew she didn't want that.

I replied, telling her that I loved her, that I would respect her wishes, but I would not stop hoping that her feelings would change. I suggested that she wanted to feel more for me but she just didn't. Yet, I neglected to add.

She replied: "Of course I want to feel things for you, as in so many ways you are perfect for me! Maybe it is a matter of time, but who can say?"

I know she likes me, but we are going at very different paces. She feels guilty every time we see each other, that she can't keep up with my feelings.

After a couple of days to think about it, the pessimist in me thinks that our geographical separation and the logistical difficulties we have in seeing each other are big obstacles to making this work, and our respective jobs mean that living close together is something not easily achieved even if both of us (not just me) were willing to move to see each other more often.

The optimist in me is buoyed by the phrase "in so many ways you are perfect for me". I know she still has feelings for her husband. I respect that, because for quite some time, I had residual feelings for my wife after she left (as evidenced by this post, and this one and in July, this one.

But I have got over those feelings. Interestingly, it has been at least partially the other women I have met since then that has helped that process, by providing another focus for my affections.

If I was a religious person, I would be praying that Susie goes through the same process, and when she finally stops loving and missing her husband, I will be there for her, and her feelings for me will grow.

Make or Break?

Susie and I went out to dinner and a movie last week, then on Saturday we went shopping and went to the pictures again. Then on Tuesday we met for a drink after work and ended up having a very frank discussion about our fledgling relationship.

I asked her where she thought our relationship was going. As it turns out I am getting mixed messages. She told me that we are somewhere between "friends" and "dating", that she was happier with herself than she was a couple of weeks ago. I was encouraged. So I told her why I wanted to know.

I explained that I had been seeing someone else, but felt guilty about it. I said that I thought our relationship had "massive potential", that this was the slowest start to a relationship I have ever been in, but that it felt remarkably good. I'm afraid I might have got a little carried away. I didn't use the 'L' word, but I nearly did.

Susie said that I shouldn't feel guilty; that she too had met other people and went on to list them. She did say that she had not had sex with any of them, but that just served to make me feel even more guilty. When she told me to carry on seeing other people, I was gutted. I had opened my heart to her in a silly attempt to get her to admit that she shared my feelings. It had backfired. She didn't feel that way. She wanted me to date other women. She didn't really care. I felt like I had been stabbed.

However... is that a faint light at the end of the tunnel?

"Do you like peppers?" she asked me in a phone call.
"Yes," I replied
"Mushrooms?"
"Yep."
"Have you ever had organic pasta?"
"Yes, once."
"Do you have a collander?"
"Yes." Where was this going?
"Good, because I thought I would come round to yours and cook you dinner.

Whaaat?

Was this the sort of thing that people who are somewhere between friends and dating do? I think not. We even spoke about the possibility of winding up in bed together!!!

I think - I seriously hope - that she is verbally understating her regard for me, that she can see a serious future for us, but is a) not yet ready for it, or b) not yet admitting it.

I am, I realise, on a steady course towards falling in love with her. I don't pine when she is not with me, but I think about her a lot. I feel guilty when I am with another woman and when I am with her I cannot take my eyes off her. I long to touch her, to kiss her lips and taste her, to undress her inch by inch and make long, slow passionate love to her and wake up beside her the next morning.

This woman is either going to make me a very happy man, or she will break my heart.

Not so shy

After dinner in town, we walked back to my place and sat on the sofa. We watched something on tv while she snuggled into my shoulder. I had an arm around her shoulder and her hand was on my thigh. When the program was finished, I looked at her and we kissed.

My hand slipped under her skirt and up her thigh. She lifted her leg a little and my fingers stroked higher and higher, spiralling gently up her soft skin. To my surprise she was wearing a body stocking; the type with press studs in the crotch. She did not object when I snapped them open, and my fingers pressed gently but firmly at her panties.

Our lips were still engaged, and we hadn't opened our eyes for some minutes, but my finger slipped inside her panties and found her sopping wet.

"Mmmm," I murmured.
She chuckled and replied, "Yes, I don't have any problems in that area."

We continued to explore each others mouths with our tongues as I stroked her clitoris.

"Come to bed with me," I suggested.
She lowered her head. Her natural shyness was surfacing again.
"If you don't want to, that's fine," I said.
"It's not that I don't want to..." she said.
"So I feel."

Ten minutes later I stood up and offered her my hand. She took it and we went through into the bedroom. When she was naked I started kissing down her breasts towards her moist core. To my surprise, she stopped me and pulled me up towards her. We kissed again, then she surprised me again by breaking off and lowering her head towards my now very hard cock. Taking it into her mouth, she displayed a considerable talent for fellatio.

Still she wouldn't let me return the favour, but (a little belatedly perhaps) asked if I had 'protection'. Who doesn't in the 21st century, I thought.

Another first date

On the day I first contacted Susie, I also contacted V, another woman in her early forties who had no picture on her profile. Today I met V for the first time.

"Hello," she smiled as she came towards where I was sitting.
"Hi," I replied and took a step towards her.
She held out her hand, limp. A little surprised, I shook it briefly.

We sat down.
"I'm a bit nervous," she admitted.

It was only a cup of coffee (for her, tea for me), but we spent a pleasant enough hour chatting and getting to know each other. She is not the most attractive woman around and in most company would go unnoticed, but she is pleasant and we could get on.

Because I had no plans, I asked if she was doing anything tonight.
"Ahhh. I would love to," she said, "but my husband is going out tonight and I need to look after the kids."
"Oh, okay, no problem," I said.
"But I will see if I can get a sitter," she offered.

An hour later, she sent me a text to say that the sitter was busy, but we could arrange something for next week.

As I left, I read a text from L - "Hi you, do you fancy meeting up 2nite?"

At least I won't be dining alone in front of the tv again tonight.

I can see V and I getting along well enough, but she didn't tug at my heart strings exactly. Not the way Susie did. I can see V and I having a little fling, maybe even being friends, but I can't quite see myself falling for her.