Much to my surprise, I got a letter from Mary last night.
N had previously told me that she did not want to see or hear from me, but I guess that wasn't true either. I am not really surprised but I am sick and tired of all the lies.
Her letter is interesting because, reading between the lines, I don't think she has really accepted her responsibility for what she has done, and it is full of warnings like, don't belittle or judge me if you come to visit. She seems to have no idea of how badly G and I have been hurt by this. Our lives have been turned upside down, and neither of us did anything to deserve it.
She wants to see her son, but is adamant that she wants us to go with N. That might be difficult since he is not returning my calls. I need him to cooperate with the sale of the house and G wants to see him too, but is this just petulance or is he becoming disillusioned with the idea of handling the affairs of a convict who is using him for her own ends and with nothing to offer him?
She is, however, getting medical treatment, and says the pain is pretty much under control. That's good. Regardless of what she might think of me, I can't help but feel sorry for her, and hope that she gets better soon. I hope she learns her lesson inside and comes out wiser, stronger, and with a decent plan for the future. It won't be easy with a record, though.
She is, however, intelligent and strong-willed. She can do almost anything she puts her mind to, so it's a shame that she wound up in prison. I still cannot shake this eerie thought that perhaps, when she gets out that she might still want to come back to me. It's a silly and illogical thought rooted in loneliness and a desire to keep a connection with a 12-year relationship. Dammit, I still care for her. I can't help it.
Logically, I know it's over. She has fallen out of love with me, and N is fulfilling her need for male support - both emotional and financial. But if he's not there for her.... who is?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Social calendar
The cancelled date with Linda was disappointing, but not the end of the world. After all, we never met, so I don't know what I'm missing.
Tonight, though, I have a date with R, who, although physically not my ideal type, is certainly not unattractive in her picture, and sounds really lovely on the phone. I am sure we will have a great time tonight. Tell you more tomorrow.
Much to my surprise, I also got a text message from Carol a few days ago. I thought she'd forgotten me, but we have arranged to meet at a hotel near where I work on Tuesday. I suspect that Carol is not so much looking for a long-term relationship, as she is a casual fling. Suits me, but we'll see how it goes.
In other news, I am going to view a flat this afternoon. I cannot afford to pay a deposit and first months rent just yet, but it will put me in touch with an estate agent in the area, and see what's on offer at the price in that area. I am taking G along to see what he thinks.
Tonight, though, I have a date with R, who, although physically not my ideal type, is certainly not unattractive in her picture, and sounds really lovely on the phone. I am sure we will have a great time tonight. Tell you more tomorrow.
Much to my surprise, I also got a text message from Carol a few days ago. I thought she'd forgotten me, but we have arranged to meet at a hotel near where I work on Tuesday. I suspect that Carol is not so much looking for a long-term relationship, as she is a casual fling. Suits me, but we'll see how it goes.
In other news, I am going to view a flat this afternoon. I cannot afford to pay a deposit and first months rent just yet, but it will put me in touch with an estate agent in the area, and see what's on offer at the price in that area. I am taking G along to see what he thinks.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Bad manners
Last night I had a date with Linda from the dating site. She originally contacted me, saying she found my profile 'interesting'. We exchanged a few messages and agreed to meet at 7 last night in Starbucks. Her last message (I discovered last night) was at 10 o'clock saying she would call in the morning. She sent me a text to confirm, and saying that she would call in the afternoon. She didn't.
I left work at 5:30 to ensure I made it on time, but just before 6 I got a text message. It was a while before I was able to pull over and read it. It was from her.
Why would someone wait until the last minute before cancelling a date like that? It constitutes really bad manners to say the least. And her reasons seem very... cryptic.
Oh well. C'est la vie.
I left work at 5:30 to ensure I made it on time, but just before 6 I got a text message. It was a while before I was able to pull over and read it. It was from her.
Sorry to do this to you at the last minute, but I have thought long and hard about it and I don't think we should meet.Sorry? I was both very confused and more than a little angry.
Why would someone wait until the last minute before cancelling a date like that? It constitutes really bad manners to say the least. And her reasons seem very... cryptic.
Oh well. C'est la vie.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Rhiannon
She was petite. Slim but not skinny, with small breasts, perfect dancers legs and long straight dark blonde hair that cascaded down to her back to her waistline. I thought she was beautiful.She danced under the stage name of 'Rhiannon' (I guess she was a Stevie Nicks fan), but during the 6 months that I spent in Dallas back in '94, I spent so much time in that... um... gentleman's club, that we got to know each other quite well. She told me her real name (I have still not forgotten), what else she did for a living and even where she lived. I took her to the 4th of July Freedom Fest that year to see the Doobie Brothers, Fleetwood Mac and I think the Eagles. It was magic. Afterwards, in the car on the way home, she curled up on the passenger seat and went to sleep.
Strangely, we never became lovers, and I regret that to this day. Maybe she wondered what was wrong with me, why I never made a move. Actually, I wonder too.
Now, I wonder what she looks like, what she is doing, where she is. After all this time I wonder what I would do if we were to get in touch again.
Court
I was awake at 4:30 this morning. After a few minutes of pretending to be asleep, I got up to take a leak then crawled back into bed, and pretended to sleep some more. Eventually the bright red LED showed 6:00 and I got up, taking my book into the bath to read for an hour.
Now, a couple of hours later, I am dressed for court in one of my two good suits and I am tired. Already. My pulse rate is 78, when it should be at least 10 beats slower. It gets this way when I am not fully rested and I am not going to be fully rested for the rest of today either.
I have done this court thing before, and it's just plain embarrassing - telling a judge why your house is up for repossession.
"Well, marm, my wife was spending all of our money on horses, and not just our money either. You see, she stole a large sum of money from her company too and is now doing 9 months in prison".
I am optimistic, though, that the judge will grant a delayed order, giving me enough time to exchange contracts on the house and pay off the mortgage.
Then my new life will start for real.
Now, a couple of hours later, I am dressed for court in one of my two good suits and I am tired. Already. My pulse rate is 78, when it should be at least 10 beats slower. It gets this way when I am not fully rested and I am not going to be fully rested for the rest of today either.
I have done this court thing before, and it's just plain embarrassing - telling a judge why your house is up for repossession.
"Well, marm, my wife was spending all of our money on horses, and not just our money either. You see, she stole a large sum of money from her company too and is now doing 9 months in prison".
I am optimistic, though, that the judge will grant a delayed order, giving me enough time to exchange contracts on the house and pay off the mortgage.
Then my new life will start for real.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Irrational thoughts
Do I still love my ex-wife?
I can understand why she has not contacted me. First, she's probably embarrassed and ashamed of what she did. Then, she doesn't want to fight about anything again (not that I want to either), and third, she would not want her son to see her in there. It would make him really sad. He's in a blissful state of denial at the moment, and I don't really want to burst that particular bubble just yet.
But I have been wondering what will happen when she gets out. In what state of mind will she be when she's released? I am sure she will want to go back to living with N, but I can't help feeling that if I can get him to realise that he is better off without her, then she will have nowhere to turn but me. Her family is not particularly keen on welcoming her back with open arms, all of her friends have turned into enemies, she will not be able to get a decent job, and N cannot afford to keep her in the style to which she had, briefly, become accustomed.
Will she turn up at my door one day, with a 'Hi Honey, I'm home'? No, I didn't think so. But might she be open to persuasion, and would I want to persuade her?
After all we have been through, we don't really trust each other. N treats her better than I do (for now anyway), but she and I have a 12-year history together that cannot simply be erased from memory. If she was prepared to become a housewife and mother again, working to a strict budget, I might be prepared to take her back.
It's irrational of me I know, but I am feeling particularly lonely right now, and I just need her to be here.
I can understand why she has not contacted me. First, she's probably embarrassed and ashamed of what she did. Then, she doesn't want to fight about anything again (not that I want to either), and third, she would not want her son to see her in there. It would make him really sad. He's in a blissful state of denial at the moment, and I don't really want to burst that particular bubble just yet.
But I have been wondering what will happen when she gets out. In what state of mind will she be when she's released? I am sure she will want to go back to living with N, but I can't help feeling that if I can get him to realise that he is better off without her, then she will have nowhere to turn but me. Her family is not particularly keen on welcoming her back with open arms, all of her friends have turned into enemies, she will not be able to get a decent job, and N cannot afford to keep her in the style to which she had, briefly, become accustomed.
Will she turn up at my door one day, with a 'Hi Honey, I'm home'? No, I didn't think so. But might she be open to persuasion, and would I want to persuade her?
After all we have been through, we don't really trust each other. N treats her better than I do (for now anyway), but she and I have a 12-year history together that cannot simply be erased from memory. If she was prepared to become a housewife and mother again, working to a strict budget, I might be prepared to take her back.
It's irrational of me I know, but I am feeling particularly lonely right now, and I just need her to be here.
Tired
Everyone has their good days and their bad days. I am no exception, and today I am having a bad one.
After going to bed late last night - I was just not really tired until nearly midnight - I was awake just before 5:30 this morning, and now I really need a siesta. But I am also starting to feel increasingly overwhelmed by recent events.
I don't know where I want to live, I don't know where to send G to school, I am worried about the sale of the house, and I am worried about my career now that I am a single parent.
The prospective buyers of my house came round yesterday, and apparently weren't happy. Yes, the place is not immaculate, it's not a show house. We have not had the money to decorate the place and yes, it is untidy. Some of that is down to Mary neglecting the place while she wasn't working, and some down to me just not able to bring myself to tidy up all the clutter. But it is just superficial. They would want to decorate anyway, but the estate agent (bless her) has been able to dissuade them from pulling out of the deal. For now. They want to renegotiate the price, though.
If I had enough money, I would rent another place now, move my stuff there and store all Mary's stuff. That way the house would then be empty and it could be seen the way it would be when someone moved in.
Life is just getting me down at the moment. I am feeling lonely and very depressed today. I need to do some shopping and some tidying up here, but I just can't be bothered. I am so tired.
After going to bed late last night - I was just not really tired until nearly midnight - I was awake just before 5:30 this morning, and now I really need a siesta. But I am also starting to feel increasingly overwhelmed by recent events.
I don't know where I want to live, I don't know where to send G to school, I am worried about the sale of the house, and I am worried about my career now that I am a single parent.
The prospective buyers of my house came round yesterday, and apparently weren't happy. Yes, the place is not immaculate, it's not a show house. We have not had the money to decorate the place and yes, it is untidy. Some of that is down to Mary neglecting the place while she wasn't working, and some down to me just not able to bring myself to tidy up all the clutter. But it is just superficial. They would want to decorate anyway, but the estate agent (bless her) has been able to dissuade them from pulling out of the deal. For now. They want to renegotiate the price, though.
If I had enough money, I would rent another place now, move my stuff there and store all Mary's stuff. That way the house would then be empty and it could be seen the way it would be when someone moved in.
Life is just getting me down at the moment. I am feeling lonely and very depressed today. I need to do some shopping and some tidying up here, but I just can't be bothered. I am so tired.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Movies
It's supposed to be Spring, for chrissakes!! The wind is arctic, and it's started to drizzle in that typically British way that just makes you miserable.
With my car having it's water pump replaced, I am reduced to public transport for the weekend, making me even more miserable. Taking G karting, house viewing and a date with R have all had to be re-scheduled. Instead, I offered to take the boy to the movies. He checked the Odeon website, and wanted to see Mr Bean's Holiday.
"Yeeeuuww", said I. "How about Premonition?" I like Sandra Bullock.
We settled on Norbit with Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, and Eddie Murphy. A matinee with a half-full cinema, and I am one of only two adults! Kids are monsters!
With my car having it's water pump replaced, I am reduced to public transport for the weekend, making me even more miserable. Taking G karting, house viewing and a date with R have all had to be re-scheduled. Instead, I offered to take the boy to the movies. He checked the Odeon website, and wanted to see Mr Bean's Holiday.
"Yeeeuuww", said I. "How about Premonition?" I like Sandra Bullock.
We settled on Norbit with Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, and Eddie Murphy. A matinee with a half-full cinema, and I am one of only two adults! Kids are monsters!
Good advice
I was already seated at a table for two, a girlie half-pint in front of me, when L arrived. I recognised her as soon as she walked in the door, but My God! Had she aged overnight, or was that picture taken a long time ago? Her profile said she was 47, but she looked older! I'm no young man (although I have been called that not so long ago), but I am simply not attracted to older women any more. Unless her name is Susan Sarandon.
She ordered a large glass of white wine topped up with a little lemonade, no ice.
We sat down and we talked. Exactly like we have been doing for the last week or so via email, text and IM. She about her daughter, me about my crazy wife, her boyfriend and my son. The first twenty minutes felt like I was with my therapist. She insists she doesn't give advice, but she does. Sort of.
Don't get me wrong, she doesn't talk shit or spout clichés for the sake of it; she actually makes a lot of sense. Without the obvious drawback of intense emotional involvement, it is easier to see things dispassionately. So I listened. She suggested I forget about Mary and N and their little games, and concentrate on me and G. She's right. What happens when she gets out I will deal with when it happens. But I have what L called "a great opportunity" to help my son get through this and come out a better, stronger person, with a better education.
Time passed quickly.
Then she lit up a cigarette.
Okay we were in a pub, and it's on her profile, but instantly all remaining hope of us being a couple vanished with the first curling haze of blueish smoke that drifted slowly towards the ceiling. I finished my beer a little quicker. An hour after we arrived, I said I had to go. We hugged in the parking lot, and said we would do this again next week. I'm not sure we will.
In other developments, I can report that this internet dating thing is a gold mine. In the last 24 hours, three women have contacted me, one has responded negatively to my initial contact, and another has agreed to meet for coffee on Thursday. And R and I are meeting for the first time for drinks and dinner on Saturday. I reluctantly had to postpone our appointment for tomorrow for a week, but she seemed very understanding. I will text her tomorrow evening instead.
Despite my screwed-up marriage, things are looking up in my social calendar.
She ordered a large glass of white wine topped up with a little lemonade, no ice.
We sat down and we talked. Exactly like we have been doing for the last week or so via email, text and IM. She about her daughter, me about my crazy wife, her boyfriend and my son. The first twenty minutes felt like I was with my therapist. She insists she doesn't give advice, but she does. Sort of.
Don't get me wrong, she doesn't talk shit or spout clichés for the sake of it; she actually makes a lot of sense. Without the obvious drawback of intense emotional involvement, it is easier to see things dispassionately. So I listened. She suggested I forget about Mary and N and their little games, and concentrate on me and G. She's right. What happens when she gets out I will deal with when it happens. But I have what L called "a great opportunity" to help my son get through this and come out a better, stronger person, with a better education.
Time passed quickly.
Then she lit up a cigarette.
Okay we were in a pub, and it's on her profile, but instantly all remaining hope of us being a couple vanished with the first curling haze of blueish smoke that drifted slowly towards the ceiling. I finished my beer a little quicker. An hour after we arrived, I said I had to go. We hugged in the parking lot, and said we would do this again next week. I'm not sure we will.
In other developments, I can report that this internet dating thing is a gold mine. In the last 24 hours, three women have contacted me, one has responded negatively to my initial contact, and another has agreed to meet for coffee on Thursday. And R and I are meeting for the first time for drinks and dinner on Saturday. I reluctantly had to postpone our appointment for tomorrow for a week, but she seemed very understanding. I will text her tomorrow evening instead.
Despite my screwed-up marriage, things are looking up in my social calendar.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Torn
N sent me a text yesterday to tell me the name of her London-based solicitors, and that he has some friends who are trying to find out where she is.
"Bullshit," I replied. "I know where she is and I know that you do too. Stop lying to me. When did she call you?"
After 4 hours of thinking about it, he admitted that she had written to him. She apparently does not want to see or hear from me. If I want to visit her, I need to go with him.
That's just crap. If she wants to see her son, she will have to contact me. I don't need her stupid toy-boy to chaperone me. It does, however, feel like I am using G as a weapon here, but there's more to it than that. I still don't know how he really feels about all this. He doesn't talk about it, and I am not forcing the issue. I hope that when he's ready, he will talk to me.
I no longer need her in my life, but I feel torn. Torn between wanting to get rid of her completely, forget she ever existed and move on with my life, and the strange desire to still be there for her when she gets out. I can't explain it, but I still feel.... something for her. Pity? Perhaps. Anger? Definitely. Love? Maybe still a little. You can't just switch someone off after 12 years.
I also need for her to be there for our son. He needs her, and it's not fair on him for her to shut us out like that.
"Bullshit," I replied. "I know where she is and I know that you do too. Stop lying to me. When did she call you?"
After 4 hours of thinking about it, he admitted that she had written to him. She apparently does not want to see or hear from me. If I want to visit her, I need to go with him.
That's just crap. If she wants to see her son, she will have to contact me. I don't need her stupid toy-boy to chaperone me. It does, however, feel like I am using G as a weapon here, but there's more to it than that. I still don't know how he really feels about all this. He doesn't talk about it, and I am not forcing the issue. I hope that when he's ready, he will talk to me.
I no longer need her in my life, but I feel torn. Torn between wanting to get rid of her completely, forget she ever existed and move on with my life, and the strange desire to still be there for her when she gets out. I can't explain it, but I still feel.... something for her. Pity? Perhaps. Anger? Definitely. Love? Maybe still a little. You can't just switch someone off after 12 years.
I also need for her to be there for our son. He needs her, and it's not fair on him for her to shut us out like that.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Number 3
A third person has now added my name to her list of personal favourites. She falls broadly within my criteria, although she is a few years older than me.
Again no photo, but I can't find her in the list of New members, so I wonder why there's no picture. I will wait a while and see if she contacts me before I initiate the contact.
Update: I decided to write first, but got no reply and she immediately deleted me from her list. Shy? So funny!
Again no photo, but I can't find her in the list of New members, so I wonder why there's no picture. I will wait a while and see if she contacts me before I initiate the contact.
Update: I decided to write first, but got no reply and she immediately deleted me from her list. Shy? So funny!
Letter to Mary
Dear Mary
What's it like in there, behind bars? The prison website says that accommodation consists mainly of single cells, and that there are inpatient facilities in the centre. I hope that they are taking care of you, but you must be emotionally shattered right now. The shock of your incarceration (your not telling/warning anyone makes me assume it was a shock to you too) must have had a massive effect on you. I know how emotionally fragile you are, despite your strong will. I am really worried about your emotional well-being.
What do you have in your cell? Can you watch TV? What are the other inmates like? Is it as brutal as the television shows would have us believe? I am worried that you will become someone's 'bitch' and that you will come out even more emotionally scarred than when you went in. Have you any idea when you will be up for parole?
G and I are worried about you. No one else seems to be, except poor N, who has fallen strangely silent when I asked him the other day if there was anything else he wasn't telling me. He has been saddled with having to deal with feeding your cat, the guinea pig, the 9 dogs and 7 horses (or is that 6, since I heard that someone came to take one of them away). The poor man must really love you to go to those lengths for a woman who has just been sent to jail. For your sake I hope he's still around when you get out, but I wouldn't count on it. My bet is that he gets fed up of all the crap you left behind, and when all the animals have been confiscated or sold, he will realise that he owes you nothing. That you have been using him. Then he will sell his house and leave.
When you get out, you will have nothing. No money, no home, none of your beloved animals, and your family have virtually disowned you. Except G and me. I hope you write to us to tell us how you are doing. You are allowed 2 visits every 28 days. I hope that you allocate one of those visits for G and me. While I accept that this marriage of ours is over, you should still want to see your son, and you will need a friend when you get out.
Stay out of trouble, won't you.
What's it like in there, behind bars? The prison website says that accommodation consists mainly of single cells, and that there are inpatient facilities in the centre. I hope that they are taking care of you, but you must be emotionally shattered right now. The shock of your incarceration (your not telling/warning anyone makes me assume it was a shock to you too) must have had a massive effect on you. I know how emotionally fragile you are, despite your strong will. I am really worried about your emotional well-being.
What do you have in your cell? Can you watch TV? What are the other inmates like? Is it as brutal as the television shows would have us believe? I am worried that you will become someone's 'bitch' and that you will come out even more emotionally scarred than when you went in. Have you any idea when you will be up for parole?
G and I are worried about you. No one else seems to be, except poor N, who has fallen strangely silent when I asked him the other day if there was anything else he wasn't telling me. He has been saddled with having to deal with feeding your cat, the guinea pig, the 9 dogs and 7 horses (or is that 6, since I heard that someone came to take one of them away). The poor man must really love you to go to those lengths for a woman who has just been sent to jail. For your sake I hope he's still around when you get out, but I wouldn't count on it. My bet is that he gets fed up of all the crap you left behind, and when all the animals have been confiscated or sold, he will realise that he owes you nothing. That you have been using him. Then he will sell his house and leave.
When you get out, you will have nothing. No money, no home, none of your beloved animals, and your family have virtually disowned you. Except G and me. I hope you write to us to tell us how you are doing. You are allowed 2 visits every 28 days. I hope that you allocate one of those visits for G and me. While I accept that this marriage of ours is over, you should still want to see your son, and you will need a friend when you get out.
Stay out of trouble, won't you.
L & R and first dates
L
The date with L, which was scheduled for tonight has been postponed. No, not because of recent developments in my life, but because she is away today and may not get home early enough, or in a mood to go out on a first date.
We have started texting each other a lot, though. Yesterday morning I switched on my phone at about 6 a.m. to find a message from her, sent the night before. I replied and went in the bath. Over the next hour we swapped text messages, and then asked if she could talk for a few minutes. She replied with her home phone number, and we spent 20 minutes talking; mainly about my situation. She must think I am a real whinger, but she agreed we should meet up some time next week.
This morning we swapped text messages for a couple of hours before she had to go out.
R
I recently sent R an email asking if and when we could meet. She said we could meet on Saturday. I agreed, and gave her my phone number, so that we could confirm arrangements. Then yesterday she called me. I was sitting at the pc at the time, and when I heard her voice (she sounds as lovely as she looks), I sat back, put my feet up on the desk and we chatted amiably for half an hour. We joked, we laughed, she asked if I was ready for a first date. I said I was.
So I am driving the 60 miles down to see her on Saturday evening. The plan is to meet at a pub, have a drink, then go for dinner. I mentioned it to G in the afternoon, and he seems happy to spend the night at his aunt's place, just as he used to do when his mother and I used to go out in the evening. He is such a great kid.
I am not underestimating the task facing me now that I am effectively a single parent, but I also need to consider my own life. G comes first, but I follow a close second. If he had hesitated or asked to stay home, I would have cancelled.
While I am not working (must go back in tomorrow), I am planning trips and events that we can attend together. I really want to bond with him to the point that he forgets about N altogether. I want to be his best mate again. It's important that he relies on me and trusts me. He is being really good about the little things, and I appreciate that and want to reward his good behaviour.
The date with L, which was scheduled for tonight has been postponed. No, not because of recent developments in my life, but because she is away today and may not get home early enough, or in a mood to go out on a first date.
We have started texting each other a lot, though. Yesterday morning I switched on my phone at about 6 a.m. to find a message from her, sent the night before. I replied and went in the bath. Over the next hour we swapped text messages, and then asked if she could talk for a few minutes. She replied with her home phone number, and we spent 20 minutes talking; mainly about my situation. She must think I am a real whinger, but she agreed we should meet up some time next week.
This morning we swapped text messages for a couple of hours before she had to go out.
R
I recently sent R an email asking if and when we could meet. She said we could meet on Saturday. I agreed, and gave her my phone number, so that we could confirm arrangements. Then yesterday she called me. I was sitting at the pc at the time, and when I heard her voice (she sounds as lovely as she looks), I sat back, put my feet up on the desk and we chatted amiably for half an hour. We joked, we laughed, she asked if I was ready for a first date. I said I was.
So I am driving the 60 miles down to see her on Saturday evening. The plan is to meet at a pub, have a drink, then go for dinner. I mentioned it to G in the afternoon, and he seems happy to spend the night at his aunt's place, just as he used to do when his mother and I used to go out in the evening. He is such a great kid.
I am not underestimating the task facing me now that I am effectively a single parent, but I also need to consider my own life. G comes first, but I follow a close second. If he had hesitated or asked to stay home, I would have cancelled.
While I am not working (must go back in tomorrow), I am planning trips and events that we can attend together. I really want to bond with him to the point that he forgets about N altogether. I want to be his best mate again. It's important that he relies on me and trusts me. He is being really good about the little things, and I appreciate that and want to reward his good behaviour.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Found her!
I cannot believe how utterly frustrating the goddamn Data Protection Act is.
When I wrote on Saturday that my estranged wife was in prison, I had no idea how frustrating it can be to try to find out what has happened to someone who has entered the prison system.
On Saturday I tried phoning the prisons themselves, the prisoner location service, the courts, even the police. Everybody I spoke to said that the prisoner herself has to give permission for them to contact me, and they could not give me any further information.
Today I contacted the court, and was provided with the case number and the name of the firm of solicitors who defended her. When I phoned them, they told me the same story - that they would write to her and ask her to contact me.
But through a 'back door', I have actually found out where she is. Now all I have to do is write a letter, and ask her to contact me.
When I wrote on Saturday that my estranged wife was in prison, I had no idea how frustrating it can be to try to find out what has happened to someone who has entered the prison system.
On Saturday I tried phoning the prisons themselves, the prisoner location service, the courts, even the police. Everybody I spoke to said that the prisoner herself has to give permission for them to contact me, and they could not give me any further information.
Today I contacted the court, and was provided with the case number and the name of the firm of solicitors who defended her. When I phoned them, they told me the same story - that they would write to her and ask her to contact me.
But through a 'back door', I have actually found out where she is. Now all I have to do is write a letter, and ask her to contact me.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Compartments
When life gets complicated like this, I think you need to compartmentalise the various aspects of your life, then devote time to concentrate on each one, to the exclusion of the others, at the most appropriate times.
My compartments at the moment (following the most recent developments) are:
Similarly, when I need to be at work, I can't afford to be distracted too much by thoughts of Mary and N, the divorce and the sale of the house.
I also don't want to ruin any chance of a social life by dragging my other baggage into it. Unfortunately, so far that's been the main topic in the email conversations I am having.
So I need to work a bit more on this compartmentalising thing.
My compartments at the moment (following the most recent developments) are:
- My son, his schooling and taking care of him.
- Divorce and the sale of the house
- My work and career matters
- My burgeoning social life
Similarly, when I need to be at work, I can't afford to be distracted too much by thoughts of Mary and N, the divorce and the sale of the house.
I also don't want to ruin any chance of a social life by dragging my other baggage into it. Unfortunately, so far that's been the main topic in the email conversations I am having.
So I need to work a bit more on this compartmentalising thing.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Prison!
The clock reads 5:41 a.m., but I have been awake for over two hours, despite going to bed at nearly eleven last night. I woke up with my head racing and my pulse rate at over 100. No, I wasn't on a caffeine high, I just had a lot on my mind after the latest development in the unbelievable saga that it the end of my marriage.
Yesterday evening, I was expecting Mary and N to drop my son off at about 6.30. At about that time, I peeled potatoes and put some meatballs in the oven. A short while later, there was a knock at the door. I jumped up off the couch and opened the door to find..... not my son, but my sister-in-law.
Puzzled, I invited her in. She looked serious, nervy and on the verge of tears. I was soon to find out why.
She sat on the couch and shakily told me that my son was at her place and so was N.
"Where's Mary?" I asked.
After a pause she said, as clearly and deliberately as she could manage, "She's in jail."
Whaaaaat?????
Apparently, she received a phone call yesterday from her barrister, stating that she had a court appointment. N drove her to the court and attended the hearing. This was not just an initial hearing after being arrested, however. No, that happened about a year ago. This was the actual trial, and she was convicted of theft and sentenced to 9 months in prison! And this is the first I am hearing of it.
I am still in a state of shock. How could she do this, and keep it secret from her entire family? Her sister didn't know until Thursday that there was anything going on, and neither did N. Both were under strict instructions not to tell me. She was apparently led to believe that cooperating with the police would get her a non-custodial sentence. She was wrong.
The person I feel most sorry for is my son. In less than two months, he has been the victim of his parents separation, then just when he'd got into a new routine, he discovers his mother is a convict, and he won't see her again for quite some time. Her selfishness and greed is astonishing. I now need to change all my plans to include looking for a new place and a new school.
When we had finished talking, I went back to my sister-in-law's place to pick up my son. I briefly spoke to N but he was in a worse state than me, and knew little more. The court proceedings apparently went over his head. He did tell me, though, that the house she has been staying in since the end of January is his. She lied about that, too.
I cannot afford to work part time, but I cannot work full-time and be with my son as much as I should. What do I do? He needs me, but he wants to spend time with N. He can't live with N of course. He needs his father now. Whether N even stays around and waits for her release is open to question. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. If I move closer to work, I could get into work and back quicker to spend more time with him, but then I lose the support of my mother and sister-in-law who can fetch him from school. He wants to change schools, but I can only do that if we move somewhere else.
Just as hard to swallow is the fact that under British law, I have no right to visit her. She has to ask for me to visit. Considering our recent history, that's unlikely. She will most probably call N first, and I have asked him to keep in touch and let me know where she is, since when a prisoner is taken into custody, no-one knows where she will be held. All I can do is wait for her to call and hope that she asks us to visit. I need to know what she did. And why? And what happened to the money? I certainly didn't see any of it, although in retrospect that's a very good thing, because otherwise I might be behind bars myself as an accessory.
Does life get any more bizarre?
I've got some serious thinking to do.
Yesterday evening, I was expecting Mary and N to drop my son off at about 6.30. At about that time, I peeled potatoes and put some meatballs in the oven. A short while later, there was a knock at the door. I jumped up off the couch and opened the door to find..... not my son, but my sister-in-law.
Puzzled, I invited her in. She looked serious, nervy and on the verge of tears. I was soon to find out why.
She sat on the couch and shakily told me that my son was at her place and so was N.
"Where's Mary?" I asked.
After a pause she said, as clearly and deliberately as she could manage, "She's in jail."
Whaaaaat?????
Apparently, she received a phone call yesterday from her barrister, stating that she had a court appointment. N drove her to the court and attended the hearing. This was not just an initial hearing after being arrested, however. No, that happened about a year ago. This was the actual trial, and she was convicted of theft and sentenced to 9 months in prison! And this is the first I am hearing of it.
I am still in a state of shock. How could she do this, and keep it secret from her entire family? Her sister didn't know until Thursday that there was anything going on, and neither did N. Both were under strict instructions not to tell me. She was apparently led to believe that cooperating with the police would get her a non-custodial sentence. She was wrong.
The person I feel most sorry for is my son. In less than two months, he has been the victim of his parents separation, then just when he'd got into a new routine, he discovers his mother is a convict, and he won't see her again for quite some time. Her selfishness and greed is astonishing. I now need to change all my plans to include looking for a new place and a new school.
When we had finished talking, I went back to my sister-in-law's place to pick up my son. I briefly spoke to N but he was in a worse state than me, and knew little more. The court proceedings apparently went over his head. He did tell me, though, that the house she has been staying in since the end of January is his. She lied about that, too.
I cannot afford to work part time, but I cannot work full-time and be with my son as much as I should. What do I do? He needs me, but he wants to spend time with N. He can't live with N of course. He needs his father now. Whether N even stays around and waits for her release is open to question. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. If I move closer to work, I could get into work and back quicker to spend more time with him, but then I lose the support of my mother and sister-in-law who can fetch him from school. He wants to change schools, but I can only do that if we move somewhere else.
Just as hard to swallow is the fact that under British law, I have no right to visit her. She has to ask for me to visit. Considering our recent history, that's unlikely. She will most probably call N first, and I have asked him to keep in touch and let me know where she is, since when a prisoner is taken into custody, no-one knows where she will be held. All I can do is wait for her to call and hope that she asks us to visit. I need to know what she did. And why? And what happened to the money? I certainly didn't see any of it, although in retrospect that's a very good thing, because otherwise I might be behind bars myself as an accessory.
Does life get any more bizarre?
I've got some serious thinking to do.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Update
Sarah and I have agreed that we are not really suited to being anything more than friends. We are not corresponding as much as we did a couple of weeks ago either, but I guess that's understandable.
Carol has still not called me; I can only wait. Bugging her won't help.
L and I have arranged a date for Wednesday next week, so that's good. I'm looking forward to that.
R turns out to be really rather attractive. She had no digitised photo to post, so she mailed it to the site administrators, and they posted it. Turns out, she liked my email and my naughty smile ;-) Sounds promising.
Carol has still not called me; I can only wait. Bugging her won't help.
L and I have arranged a date for Wednesday next week, so that's good. I'm looking forward to that.
R turns out to be really rather attractive. She had no digitised photo to post, so she mailed it to the site administrators, and they posted it. Turns out, she liked my email and my naughty smile ;-) Sounds promising.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Waiting
I can't quite decide how I should be feeling at the moment.
Sarah has been really busy since our first date the other night and we have barely exchanged two words.
Carol hasn't called, although I'm not sure she's back in town yet.
L, who said she'd email me on Monday, still hasn't, and R has not replied to my initial message, which I thought was very witty. Maybe it wasn't.
Such an abundance of opportunities for social encounters should fill me with pleasure, but I seem to be just waiting for one of them to call me or email me to confirm that they want to meet.
[Big sigh]
Oh well, there's not much else to do, is there?
Before I joined this site, I would have said, if asked, that it was full of sad and lonely ugly people who can't get dates the traditional way. Yeah, I know - what does that say about me? But I was wrong. Badly wrong. There are hundreds of attractive women listed. Finding someone you are attracted to, are vaguely compatible with, and actually like is genuinely possible, but my word it can take time!
Sarah has been really busy since our first date the other night and we have barely exchanged two words.
Carol hasn't called, although I'm not sure she's back in town yet.
L, who said she'd email me on Monday, still hasn't, and R has not replied to my initial message, which I thought was very witty. Maybe it wasn't.
Such an abundance of opportunities for social encounters should fill me with pleasure, but I seem to be just waiting for one of them to call me or email me to confirm that they want to meet.
[Big sigh]
Oh well, there's not much else to do, is there?
Before I joined this site, I would have said, if asked, that it was full of sad and lonely ugly people who can't get dates the traditional way. Yeah, I know - what does that say about me? But I was wrong. Badly wrong. There are hundreds of attractive women listed. Finding someone you are attracted to, are vaguely compatible with, and actually like is genuinely possible, but my word it can take time!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Favourite again
A few hours after writing that last post, I sent a message to the woman who added me to her favourites list (I'll call her L). She replied very quickly and over the next few hours had a short but pleasant online conversation, which ended with me boldly asking if we should cut out the weeks of swapping emails and just arrange to meet up somewhere. To my surprise, she agreed, so later this week hopefully, I'll be meeting her for a drink after work.
The very next day, someone else added me to her favourites list as well. R is younger, 'slightly overweight' but attractive. although she has yet to put up a photograph of herself. I emailed her this evening.
Things are looking up. Just as soon as I pay off the mountain of bills, and get solvent again, I'll be in a much better emotional and mental state, better able to take control of my life. Please, God.
The very next day, someone else added me to her favourites list as well. R is younger, 'slightly overweight' but attractive. although she has yet to put up a photograph of herself. I emailed her this evening.
Things are looking up. Just as soon as I pay off the mountain of bills, and get solvent again, I'll be in a much better emotional and mental state, better able to take control of my life. Please, God.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
A new possibility?
As I checked my messages this morning, I discovered that someone has added me to her favourites list. First time that's happened, but I am flattered.
Upside? My age, slim, attractive, wants someone who is a friend, lover and partner.
Downside? She smokes.
She hasn't emailed me yet, but I'll give her time.
Upside? My age, slim, attractive, wants someone who is a friend, lover and partner.
Downside? She smokes.
She hasn't emailed me yet, but I'll give her time.
First date
"Fancy meetin at 7ish at...Hotel?"
Sarah's text arrived while I was busy on a call with the estate agent, and it was a while before I noticed it. It did give me a little lift, however.
For the rest of the afternoon, I kept looking at the time, trying to estimate how long it would take me to drive all the way out there. Too long, I reckoned, to allow me sufficient time to go home, shower and change, and still get there by 7. So I left work not too early and drove straight there. The trip took just on two hours, including a quick stop at the motorway services.
I arrived 20 minutes early and went immediately to the bar and sat down. Realising it would be rude of me to interrupt our date later to phone my son to wish him good night, I called him while I waited. He's fine. They were at N's parents place. They're moving quickly, I thought - he's already taking her home to meet his parents!
At 5 to 7, another text arrived. "Where r u?" She was prompt. A good sign.
"In the bar"
"Well I am in car park, sorry I don't do walkin in star on my own an thought we were meetin in car park?"
What, I wondered, made her prefer to meet me in the car park, rather than just walk in to the bar and meet me there. But I walked out and met her at her car. We hugged like old friends and walked back into the bar.
Sarah is heavier than I imagined from her pictures. More generous in the hips and thighs. And she knows it because she wears a huge ankle-length brown skirt over a pair of high-heeled boots, and a white long-sleeve woollen jumper. If this was her dating outfit, I wasn't impressed. She ordered coffee, me a J2O. I paid and we sat down to chat. Mostly we spoke about her job. She briefly asked about mine, but only for a couple of minutes. I asked about her daughter, and for most of the rest of the evening, that was the subject of conversation.
After about an hour we got a table in the restaurant, and while I picked at a passable lasagne, she went for a second helping at the carvery. Still the conversation drifted around her family, and her job. She appeared to be uncomfortable talking about her ex, or her feelings. I briefly probed at her reasons for joining an internet dating site, and discovered that she knows two people who have met long-term partners through the site, and decided to give it a go.
We left just before 10, and hugged again in the parking lot. I made no attempt to kiss her, and neither did she. We went our separate ways. On the way home I filled the fuel tank, bought a wank mag and put a Gary Moore CD on. Loud. Once in bed, tiredness overcame any thoughts of unrequited lust, and I fell asleep quickly.
On reflection, Sarah and I will, I realise, never be more than friends, if that. There is no spark whatsoever. Neither of us cracked a joke the entire evening; we barely even smiled. An observer might have thought we had just come from a funeral. I think she is too wrapped up in her own fierce independence and her need to care for her family. That is, rightly, her priority, but it consumes her to the point that she leaves precious little time or energy for herself. She has not dated in a long time, and I think she has forgotten how to enjoy herself. We have little in common, and even when I made an attempt to start a subject she knew something about, she interrupted, saying that she didn't have time to keep up to date.
She admitted to being scared, but could not describe why. I get the feeling that, even if we both wanted to take things further, it would take months before she pushed the fear back far enough to let me into her personal space, before we became lovers.
Oh well. C'est la vie. It's a shame. She's a nice person, but it wouldn't work.
Sarah's text arrived while I was busy on a call with the estate agent, and it was a while before I noticed it. It did give me a little lift, however.
For the rest of the afternoon, I kept looking at the time, trying to estimate how long it would take me to drive all the way out there. Too long, I reckoned, to allow me sufficient time to go home, shower and change, and still get there by 7. So I left work not too early and drove straight there. The trip took just on two hours, including a quick stop at the motorway services.
I arrived 20 minutes early and went immediately to the bar and sat down. Realising it would be rude of me to interrupt our date later to phone my son to wish him good night, I called him while I waited. He's fine. They were at N's parents place. They're moving quickly, I thought - he's already taking her home to meet his parents!
At 5 to 7, another text arrived. "Where r u?" She was prompt. A good sign.
"In the bar"
"Well I am in car park, sorry I don't do walkin in star on my own an thought we were meetin in car park?"
What, I wondered, made her prefer to meet me in the car park, rather than just walk in to the bar and meet me there. But I walked out and met her at her car. We hugged like old friends and walked back into the bar.
Sarah is heavier than I imagined from her pictures. More generous in the hips and thighs. And she knows it because she wears a huge ankle-length brown skirt over a pair of high-heeled boots, and a white long-sleeve woollen jumper. If this was her dating outfit, I wasn't impressed. She ordered coffee, me a J2O. I paid and we sat down to chat. Mostly we spoke about her job. She briefly asked about mine, but only for a couple of minutes. I asked about her daughter, and for most of the rest of the evening, that was the subject of conversation.
After about an hour we got a table in the restaurant, and while I picked at a passable lasagne, she went for a second helping at the carvery. Still the conversation drifted around her family, and her job. She appeared to be uncomfortable talking about her ex, or her feelings. I briefly probed at her reasons for joining an internet dating site, and discovered that she knows two people who have met long-term partners through the site, and decided to give it a go.
We left just before 10, and hugged again in the parking lot. I made no attempt to kiss her, and neither did she. We went our separate ways. On the way home I filled the fuel tank, bought a wank mag and put a Gary Moore CD on. Loud. Once in bed, tiredness overcame any thoughts of unrequited lust, and I fell asleep quickly.
On reflection, Sarah and I will, I realise, never be more than friends, if that. There is no spark whatsoever. Neither of us cracked a joke the entire evening; we barely even smiled. An observer might have thought we had just come from a funeral. I think she is too wrapped up in her own fierce independence and her need to care for her family. That is, rightly, her priority, but it consumes her to the point that she leaves precious little time or energy for herself. She has not dated in a long time, and I think she has forgotten how to enjoy herself. We have little in common, and even when I made an attempt to start a subject she knew something about, she interrupted, saying that she didn't have time to keep up to date.
She admitted to being scared, but could not describe why. I get the feeling that, even if we both wanted to take things further, it would take months before she pushed the fear back far enough to let me into her personal space, before we became lovers.
Oh well. C'est la vie. It's a shame. She's a nice person, but it wouldn't work.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Sarah versus Carol
Sarah
The woman who first contacted me from my profile on the dating site has now become an online friend. We exchange emails at least twice a day, and at least as many texts as well. She usually sends me a good night one, and I have started (at her suggestoin) sending her a 'Good Morning' one. I called her again this evening and we spoke for just less than half an hour.
Sarah is a few years younger than me, with two teenage kids. She has a hectic, stressful life of her own.
I am hoping that she can make arrangements so that we can meet in person tomorrow evening. She sounds absolutely lovely. From her pictures she looks very ordinary, but she sounds like a devoted parent and a sweet and loyal friend. She is someone I would really like to have as a friend. I am, however, still undecided as to whether I want her for anything more. Do I want to be her boyfriend, her lover?
I get the impression that, if this relationship develops, it will be on her terms. I think she likes the idea of having a man around, but for what I am not sure. She has expressed mild disappointment that I was considering moving even further away from Canterbury, and has often expressed little signs of affection, despite our never having met. But she is the reserved, cautious type, rather than the outgoing cheeky type. When I recently joked in an email about joining her in the bath, she replied "let's not go there".
This relationship will take time to build up. She has probably been hurt before and is now very cautious.
Carol
Carol chatted me up in a bar a week ago, and took my number.
I sent her a text message this morning, asking about her hangover. Even sober(ish) she said she wants to see me again. She is going away this weekend, but hopes to meet up next week. She wants me to find a friend so we can double-date with her friend. Fancy that! And I would do that why?
Carol is almost Sarah's polar opposite. With grown children, a four-day-a-week job, and a drinking buddy who is also unattached, she appears to be on the hunt for a good time. She is very tactile, and kissed me repeatedly on the lips the first time we met. I seriously think that she is hoping, nay yearning to be seduced. Although she is older than me, she is not unattractive, and I would be happy to oblige. At least once.
The difference between the two is that I see one as perfectly suited to a casual fling, and the other as a long-term emotional investment. The former will almost definitely not last, but will the former blossom at all? The question is, 'which do I want more'? The fling or the partner? The one-night stand or the girlfriend? Do I want another serious relationship at all so soon after separating from Mary? I am certainly missing the feeling of being wanted, of being loved. But at the same time I am enjoying the freedom of being single, of having (almost) complete control over my time.
In fact, I believe I want both. Is that wrong? Am I being greedy? Callous?
Ideally, I could have a casual fling with Carol, while slowly, gently building a relationship with Sarah. There must, though, if all goes according to plan, come a time when I will need to make a difficult decision - whether the relationship with Sarah will be a lasting one. At that point, I will either have to dump Carol to make sure that a relationship with Sarah will work, or stick to just a casual relationship.
Which decision I end up making, only time will tell.
The woman who first contacted me from my profile on the dating site has now become an online friend. We exchange emails at least twice a day, and at least as many texts as well. She usually sends me a good night one, and I have started (at her suggestoin) sending her a 'Good Morning' one. I called her again this evening and we spoke for just less than half an hour.
Sarah is a few years younger than me, with two teenage kids. She has a hectic, stressful life of her own.
I am hoping that she can make arrangements so that we can meet in person tomorrow evening. She sounds absolutely lovely. From her pictures she looks very ordinary, but she sounds like a devoted parent and a sweet and loyal friend. She is someone I would really like to have as a friend. I am, however, still undecided as to whether I want her for anything more. Do I want to be her boyfriend, her lover?
I get the impression that, if this relationship develops, it will be on her terms. I think she likes the idea of having a man around, but for what I am not sure. She has expressed mild disappointment that I was considering moving even further away from Canterbury, and has often expressed little signs of affection, despite our never having met. But she is the reserved, cautious type, rather than the outgoing cheeky type. When I recently joked in an email about joining her in the bath, she replied "let's not go there".
This relationship will take time to build up. She has probably been hurt before and is now very cautious.
Carol
Carol chatted me up in a bar a week ago, and took my number.
I sent her a text message this morning, asking about her hangover. Even sober(ish) she said she wants to see me again. She is going away this weekend, but hopes to meet up next week. She wants me to find a friend so we can double-date with her friend. Fancy that! And I would do that why?
Carol is almost Sarah's polar opposite. With grown children, a four-day-a-week job, and a drinking buddy who is also unattached, she appears to be on the hunt for a good time. She is very tactile, and kissed me repeatedly on the lips the first time we met. I seriously think that she is hoping, nay yearning to be seduced. Although she is older than me, she is not unattractive, and I would be happy to oblige. At least once.
The difference between the two is that I see one as perfectly suited to a casual fling, and the other as a long-term emotional investment. The former will almost definitely not last, but will the former blossom at all? The question is, 'which do I want more'? The fling or the partner? The one-night stand or the girlfriend? Do I want another serious relationship at all so soon after separating from Mary? I am certainly missing the feeling of being wanted, of being loved. But at the same time I am enjoying the freedom of being single, of having (almost) complete control over my time.
In fact, I believe I want both. Is that wrong? Am I being greedy? Callous?
Ideally, I could have a casual fling with Carol, while slowly, gently building a relationship with Sarah. There must, though, if all goes according to plan, come a time when I will need to make a difficult decision - whether the relationship with Sarah will be a lasting one. At that point, I will either have to dump Carol to make sure that a relationship with Sarah will work, or stick to just a casual relationship.
Which decision I end up making, only time will tell.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Depression and Joy
What a couple of days!
After the emotional kick in the teeth that was yesterday, I once again had a raucous telephonic argument with Mary about money. She still insists that I have an obligation to my son (no argument there) and that I should be paying her child support.
Sorry, with what? The money she has took out of our joint account and spent on herself last month?
Nothing gets me so angry, frustrated, depressed or stressed as having my financial security threatened. With Mary wanting me to pay her money she knows I don't have, I could see the bailiffs banging on the door at any moment. I have, in the past, enjoyed a decent lifestyle, able to take holidays, buy furniture, computers, clothes and toys for my son. But in recent years, that hasn't been possible. My unemployed phase saw to that, but in my mind, at that moment Mary was driving a nail into the coffin of my future, and I saw red.
I got so frustrated that I smashed my closed left fist (the right one was holding the phone) into the wall in the lift foyer. The skin in split and the bones still ache, but it will be worse in the morning. I am having a little trouble typing this.
My depression was complete when, before we finished our conversation, my phone's battery died, and I was left drained and exhausted, my heart still hammering against my rib cage. When we argue like that, there is no end. The argument goes round in spirograph patterns, never reaching a conclusion because neither of us can afford to admit they're wrong. I went back to my desk and tried to work, but my mind simply was not in it. I went out for pasta and a glass of red wine at lunch with a colleague, and relaxed enough to get back and attend two audio-conferences.
Then the email arrived from S, saying that perhaps we could meet up on Friday. My spirits were immediately lifted. I am now excitedly looking forward to Friday, hoping that she can make the necessary arrangements.
I really like her. I like her more all the time. From our email conversations, it's obvious that we are both out of practice at this, but I am eager to at least find out what she's like in person.
After the emotional kick in the teeth that was yesterday, I once again had a raucous telephonic argument with Mary about money. She still insists that I have an obligation to my son (no argument there) and that I should be paying her child support.
Sorry, with what? The money she has took out of our joint account and spent on herself last month?
Nothing gets me so angry, frustrated, depressed or stressed as having my financial security threatened. With Mary wanting me to pay her money she knows I don't have, I could see the bailiffs banging on the door at any moment. I have, in the past, enjoyed a decent lifestyle, able to take holidays, buy furniture, computers, clothes and toys for my son. But in recent years, that hasn't been possible. My unemployed phase saw to that, but in my mind, at that moment Mary was driving a nail into the coffin of my future, and I saw red.
I got so frustrated that I smashed my closed left fist (the right one was holding the phone) into the wall in the lift foyer. The skin in split and the bones still ache, but it will be worse in the morning. I am having a little trouble typing this.
My depression was complete when, before we finished our conversation, my phone's battery died, and I was left drained and exhausted, my heart still hammering against my rib cage. When we argue like that, there is no end. The argument goes round in spirograph patterns, never reaching a conclusion because neither of us can afford to admit they're wrong. I went back to my desk and tried to work, but my mind simply was not in it. I went out for pasta and a glass of red wine at lunch with a colleague, and relaxed enough to get back and attend two audio-conferences.
Then the email arrived from S, saying that perhaps we could meet up on Friday. My spirits were immediately lifted. I am now excitedly looking forward to Friday, hoping that she can make the necessary arrangements.
I really like her. I like her more all the time. From our email conversations, it's obvious that we are both out of practice at this, but I am eager to at least find out what she's like in person.
Nice being proved wrong.
"Hiya. Remember me?"
The text message arrived late this afternoon. Unfortunately it arrived while I was driving, but at the next set of traffic lights, I sneaked a peek. There was no name attached to the message, just the number, which I didn't recognise.
"Don't recognise your number," I replied.
Then she mentioned the bar where I was having birthday drinks last week and the penny dropped.
"Carol??" I asked, mildly surprised that I still remembered her name. Okay, so I was wrong.
A little while later, I phoned her. I still suspect that it was mostly the wine talking, because it's been exactly a week since we met, and she is, once again , in a bar, and has had one too many. She asked if I had a friend, so that we could go out as a foursome. As if!!
I will call her another time when she's sober and see if she still wants to meet up.
The text message arrived late this afternoon. Unfortunately it arrived while I was driving, but at the next set of traffic lights, I sneaked a peek. There was no name attached to the message, just the number, which I didn't recognise.
"Don't recognise your number," I replied.
Then she mentioned the bar where I was having birthday drinks last week and the penny dropped.
"Carol??" I asked, mildly surprised that I still remembered her name. Okay, so I was wrong.
A little while later, I phoned her. I still suspect that it was mostly the wine talking, because it's been exactly a week since we met, and she is, once again , in a bar, and has had one too many. She asked if I had a friend, so that we could go out as a foursome. As if!!
I will call her another time when she's sober and see if she still wants to meet up.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
56 days and counting
The last time I suffered from depression was when I was unemployed for about nine months. Not being able to feed and clothe your family really hurts. But what I held onto for all that time was hope. Hope that, when - not if - I found a job, I would get back on my feet and things would be okay again. Throughout that time, my dear wife Mary supported me, and cajoled me where necessary, but she didn't complain. And I held on to hope.
Until today.
Today the court said we have 56 days to exchange contracts on the house or it will be repossessed. D-Day is May 1st.
Today, Mary and I spent most of the day together, and achieved very little.
Today we had an introductory meeting with the mediator and found that I cannot afford mediation, but my out-of-work wife can get it free from the bloody government!
Today, I received yet another letter threatening legal action.
Today I learned that the Child Support Agency will be charging 15% of my nett income so that they can pay for their bureaucratic bungling, while Mary may or may not actually receive any money at all.
The debts are mounting at a rate that, pretty soon, will consume all the equity in the house, and we will both be left penniless.
If that happens, I will have no deposit-and-first-month's-rent, no money for new furniture, no savings, no pension and little hope of digging myself out. With no family, no money at all, and an ongoing commitment to support my absent family with money I can ill afford myself, what is there left of life. People have become alcoholics for less. Committed suicide, even.
No, I'm not that bad. Yet. I cling on to the hope that the house will sell quickly enough that there is still a little equity left over. That the benefits agency will assess my situation and realise that I need to live as well, and provide a home for my son as well as me.
The problem is that the system does not realise that one salary cannot suddenly support two households. Mary has condemned herself to living in a council flat and me to little better.
May sleep take me quickly tonight.
Until today.
Today the court said we have 56 days to exchange contracts on the house or it will be repossessed. D-Day is May 1st.
Today, Mary and I spent most of the day together, and achieved very little.
Today we had an introductory meeting with the mediator and found that I cannot afford mediation, but my out-of-work wife can get it free from the bloody government!
Today, I received yet another letter threatening legal action.
Today I learned that the Child Support Agency will be charging 15% of my nett income so that they can pay for their bureaucratic bungling, while Mary may or may not actually receive any money at all.
The debts are mounting at a rate that, pretty soon, will consume all the equity in the house, and we will both be left penniless.
If that happens, I will have no deposit-and-first-month's-rent, no money for new furniture, no savings, no pension and little hope of digging myself out. With no family, no money at all, and an ongoing commitment to support my absent family with money I can ill afford myself, what is there left of life. People have become alcoholics for less. Committed suicide, even.
No, I'm not that bad. Yet. I cling on to the hope that the house will sell quickly enough that there is still a little equity left over. That the benefits agency will assess my situation and realise that I need to live as well, and provide a home for my son as well as me.
The problem is that the system does not realise that one salary cannot suddenly support two households. Mary has condemned herself to living in a council flat and me to little better.
May sleep take me quickly tonight.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Too fast, too slow?
It's funny how the little things can sometimes matter a lot to some people.
The very first email that S ever sent me had a little 'x' at the end. I didn't think much of it, since she was being sarcastic about the type of woman that my online profile said I was looking for. After a few messages, I started to put 'x's at the end of my emails too. And then my text messages. But when I sent a hurried message yesterday afternoon, I forgot to end it with 'xxx' and she replied wondering if she had said something wrong. I do hope she is not too sensitive about these things.
We have been emailing each other now for two weeks, and I started to think that I needed to get things moving a little quicker. So, over the weekend I sent her an email optimistically asking if we could meet in person sometime this week. She, however, wanted to take things slowly and talk over the phone first. I mentally kicked myself and agreed.
So today she emailed me her home number, and when I got home from work this evening, I called and we spoke on the phone for the first time.
In retrospect, I think I expected someone with more of an accent. She sounds more... educated than I expected. I hope that doesn't sound insulting. She has a very pleasant voice, with little accent, clear, precise diction without being too 'proper'.
Our half-hour conversation (32:06 to be precise) was relaxed, chatty and comfortable. S is very easy to talk to, and I think we'll get along really well. We discussed her day, kids, teaching, cricket... It could have gone on for hours, but I got another call. If it wasn't from my son, I would have let it ring. S has a lovely voice; one I could listen to for hours, and hope to some time soon.
Afterwards, I felt like I knew her a little better. I cannot wait to see her in person.
I really get the feeling, though, that she is warming to me. Not just the 'x's thing, but she sends me good night text messages, and wants me to send her good morning ones. I have no objections to doing so, but it feels just a little intimate to be saying good morning to someone you have never met in person. It feels like it's moving too fast.
Wait a minute, did I just say that?
I am genuinely looking forward to meeting her, but I need to wait until she is ready to take the next step.
The very first email that S ever sent me had a little 'x' at the end. I didn't think much of it, since she was being sarcastic about the type of woman that my online profile said I was looking for. After a few messages, I started to put 'x's at the end of my emails too. And then my text messages. But when I sent a hurried message yesterday afternoon, I forgot to end it with 'xxx' and she replied wondering if she had said something wrong. I do hope she is not too sensitive about these things.
We have been emailing each other now for two weeks, and I started to think that I needed to get things moving a little quicker. So, over the weekend I sent her an email optimistically asking if we could meet in person sometime this week. She, however, wanted to take things slowly and talk over the phone first. I mentally kicked myself and agreed.
So today she emailed me her home number, and when I got home from work this evening, I called and we spoke on the phone for the first time.
In retrospect, I think I expected someone with more of an accent. She sounds more... educated than I expected. I hope that doesn't sound insulting. She has a very pleasant voice, with little accent, clear, precise diction without being too 'proper'.
Our half-hour conversation (32:06 to be precise) was relaxed, chatty and comfortable. S is very easy to talk to, and I think we'll get along really well. We discussed her day, kids, teaching, cricket... It could have gone on for hours, but I got another call. If it wasn't from my son, I would have let it ring. S has a lovely voice; one I could listen to for hours, and hope to some time soon.
Afterwards, I felt like I knew her a little better. I cannot wait to see her in person.
I really get the feeling, though, that she is warming to me. Not just the 'x's thing, but she sends me good night text messages, and wants me to send her good morning ones. I have no objections to doing so, but it feels just a little intimate to be saying good morning to someone you have never met in person. It feels like it's moving too fast.
Wait a minute, did I just say that?
I am genuinely looking forward to meeting her, but I need to wait until she is ready to take the next step.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
In need of new memories
My online friend S the other day wrote, "I don't want to be on my own much longer. I get fed up talking to myself, but if I only had friends then that would be ok too, but hey who knows what's around the corner."
On Wednesday, she wrote, "Hi, I hope all is ok. Take care, thinking of you.x" Bless her.
Yesterday she wrote "it would be a shame if you moved from the area...but as you say who knows where any of this will lead, I think I need to pluck up the courage to actually do something about it don't you?".
I get the distinct impression that she is warming to me, and it feels good. I replied that she should pluck up the courage and call me.
She has admitted to, like me, having few friends after she and her husband split up, but she is moving on. She is not seeing anyone at the moment, but is corresponding with two other guys, to whom she is a sort of agony aunt. "...but we have become friends and do not think that it would go any further".
I am sort of hoping that we can meet up soon, and I have given her my work email address and all three phone numbers.
But what am I hoping for?
I think she would make a good friend, and perhaps my son and her daughter might even get along. Am I hoping it develops into something more? I'm not sure yet. I was recently advised by someone else that "it's good to be on your own for a while after a relationship break-up until you 'find yourself', before complicating your life with other people". And she is probably right. Do I really want to dive headlong into being in love with someone else? Committing myself to one person again so soon? Probably not. Although there is a strong desire on my part to get involved with someone to make the break-up seem more real. To stop thinking about Mary and to forge new memories with someone else.
I think more than anything, I want a casual girlfriend. Someone who can be my friend when I need one, and a date on a fairly regular basis. Someone to hold hands with at the cinema, and to kiss and cuddle with on the sofa while watching a soppy late night movie. Someone to make my heart beat faster when I know I'm going to see her. Is that S? Dunno. Watch this space.
On Wednesday, she wrote, "Hi, I hope all is ok. Take care, thinking of you.x" Bless her.
Yesterday she wrote "it would be a shame if you moved from the area...but as you say who knows where any of this will lead, I think I need to pluck up the courage to actually do something about it don't you?".
I get the distinct impression that she is warming to me, and it feels good. I replied that she should pluck up the courage and call me.
She has admitted to, like me, having few friends after she and her husband split up, but she is moving on. She is not seeing anyone at the moment, but is corresponding with two other guys, to whom she is a sort of agony aunt. "...but we have become friends and do not think that it would go any further".
I am sort of hoping that we can meet up soon, and I have given her my work email address and all three phone numbers.
But what am I hoping for?
I think she would make a good friend, and perhaps my son and her daughter might even get along. Am I hoping it develops into something more? I'm not sure yet. I was recently advised by someone else that "it's good to be on your own for a while after a relationship break-up until you 'find yourself', before complicating your life with other people". And she is probably right. Do I really want to dive headlong into being in love with someone else? Committing myself to one person again so soon? Probably not. Although there is a strong desire on my part to get involved with someone to make the break-up seem more real. To stop thinking about Mary and to forge new memories with someone else.
I think more than anything, I want a casual girlfriend. Someone who can be my friend when I need one, and a date on a fairly regular basis. Someone to hold hands with at the cinema, and to kiss and cuddle with on the sofa while watching a soppy late night movie. Someone to make my heart beat faster when I know I'm going to see her. Is that S? Dunno. Watch this space.
Friday, March 02, 2007
It was the alcohol
As expected, my flirty new friend Carol hasn't called me. I doubt she even kept my number longer than 24 hours.
And the bills keep rolling in...
Another letter from a solicitor arrived today. Another bill that hasn't been paid for months, and now we can't afford to pay it. I'm going to have to call them in the morning and make an offering.
At least it's my weekend this time. My son G is staying with me.
The worst part is that Mary couldn't even bring him here; she had to stay home to wait for someone to install a phone line! She had the boyfriend collect him from school, go into town for an hour and then drop him off at home 90 minutes before I could get home.
But at least I get to see him. He spent most of the evening on the computer. Surfing the net, IM chatting with his friends, and translating random text into foreign languages and back again. What an imagination.
I came upstairs shortly after 9 to remind him that it was nearly bed time. "Okay," he said. Ten minutes later, he came downstairs to take his medication, gave me a cursory hug (which I turned into a real one), and he went upstairs to bed. At the next ad break I went upstairs and he was snoring ever so gently, just like his mother does.
Kids are beautiful, aren't they?
At least it's my weekend this time. My son G is staying with me.
The worst part is that Mary couldn't even bring him here; she had to stay home to wait for someone to install a phone line! She had the boyfriend collect him from school, go into town for an hour and then drop him off at home 90 minutes before I could get home.
But at least I get to see him. He spent most of the evening on the computer. Surfing the net, IM chatting with his friends, and translating random text into foreign languages and back again. What an imagination.
I came upstairs shortly after 9 to remind him that it was nearly bed time. "Okay," he said. Ten minutes later, he came downstairs to take his medication, gave me a cursory hug (which I turned into a real one), and he went upstairs to bed. At the next ad break I went upstairs and he was snoring ever so gently, just like his mother does.
Kids are beautiful, aren't they?
Not fair
"Hi," said Mary, sounding a little sorry for herself.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I've got a migraine, and I can't concentrate properly. I'm not going to be able to make it tonight."
"Okay," I said. "Just reschedule when you're feeling better."
I think she's stalling.
I am apparently obliged by law to support my wife, even though she has left me, taken my son with her, cleaned out our bank account, got us into debt forcing me to sell our house and now her new boyfriend Neil has plans to buy a house for them to live in.
Is that fair?
I, too, have consulted a legal advisor, and I am advised to bide my time. If her situation moves towards one where she is being supported by someone else, my obligation to her fades, although I am still responsible for our son. That I'm happy with.
On Tuesday we have an introductory session with a mediation service. The intention is that they will arbitrate a financial settlement, but that won't happen until a future session, which we may be forced to pay for (and I can't afford). I will, however, be taking evidence of her financial misconduct; just in case.
I have discovered that who sues who, and who is at fault matters not in a divorce case. The court is looking only for sufficient evidence that the marriage has 'irretrievably broken down'. I think this one qualifies, don't you? It is not impossible for blame to be introduced in a financial settlement, however. I believe I have a fairly strong case to claim that she owes me a lot more than I owe her. The problem is ascertaining the true value of her stable of horses and her dogs, to which I am entitled to half. Maybe she knows that. Maybe that's why she's stalling.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I've got a migraine, and I can't concentrate properly. I'm not going to be able to make it tonight."
"Okay," I said. "Just reschedule when you're feeling better."
I think she's stalling.
I am apparently obliged by law to support my wife, even though she has left me, taken my son with her, cleaned out our bank account, got us into debt forcing me to sell our house and now her new boyfriend Neil has plans to buy a house for them to live in.
Is that fair?
I, too, have consulted a legal advisor, and I am advised to bide my time. If her situation moves towards one where she is being supported by someone else, my obligation to her fades, although I am still responsible for our son. That I'm happy with.
On Tuesday we have an introductory session with a mediation service. The intention is that they will arbitrate a financial settlement, but that won't happen until a future session, which we may be forced to pay for (and I can't afford). I will, however, be taking evidence of her financial misconduct; just in case.
I have discovered that who sues who, and who is at fault matters not in a divorce case. The court is looking only for sufficient evidence that the marriage has 'irretrievably broken down'. I think this one qualifies, don't you? It is not impossible for blame to be introduced in a financial settlement, however. I believe I have a fairly strong case to claim that she owes me a lot more than I owe her. The problem is ascertaining the true value of her stable of horses and her dogs, to which I am entitled to half. Maybe she knows that. Maybe that's why she's stalling.
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