Make or Break?

Susie and I went out to dinner and a movie last week, then on Saturday we went shopping and went to the pictures again. Then on Tuesday we met for a drink after work and ended up having a very frank discussion about our fledgling relationship.

I asked her where she thought our relationship was going. As it turns out I am getting mixed messages. She told me that we are somewhere between "friends" and "dating", that she was happier with herself than she was a couple of weeks ago. I was encouraged. So I told her why I wanted to know.

I explained that I had been seeing someone else, but felt guilty about it. I said that I thought our relationship had "massive potential", that this was the slowest start to a relationship I have ever been in, but that it felt remarkably good. I'm afraid I might have got a little carried away. I didn't use the 'L' word, but I nearly did.

Susie said that I shouldn't feel guilty; that she too had met other people and went on to list them. She did say that she had not had sex with any of them, but that just served to make me feel even more guilty. When she told me to carry on seeing other people, I was gutted. I had opened my heart to her in a silly attempt to get her to admit that she shared my feelings. It had backfired. She didn't feel that way. She wanted me to date other women. She didn't really care. I felt like I had been stabbed.

However... is that a faint light at the end of the tunnel?

"Do you like peppers?" she asked me in a phone call.
"Yes," I replied
"Mushrooms?"
"Yep."
"Have you ever had organic pasta?"
"Yes, once."
"Do you have a collander?"
"Yes." Where was this going?
"Good, because I thought I would come round to yours and cook you dinner.

Whaaat?

Was this the sort of thing that people who are somewhere between friends and dating do? I think not. We even spoke about the possibility of winding up in bed together!!!

I think - I seriously hope - that she is verbally understating her regard for me, that she can see a serious future for us, but is a) not yet ready for it, or b) not yet admitting it.

I am, I realise, on a steady course towards falling in love with her. I don't pine when she is not with me, but I think about her a lot. I feel guilty when I am with another woman and when I am with her I cannot take my eyes off her. I long to touch her, to kiss her lips and taste her, to undress her inch by inch and make long, slow passionate love to her and wake up beside her the next morning.

This woman is either going to make me a very happy man, or she will break my heart.