Trapped

I got a most unusual text message on Saturday morning - it was from Mary, asking if I could stop round her place for a coffee and a chat before picking up my son. It was unusual because it was from her own phone. Up to now she has been sending me business-like texts from N's phone. This was a first. Unfortunately I didn't think we had time as I had arranged to take G into London to the Natural History Museum. As it turned out, he had been up late the night before, and was too tired to spend the day walking around museums.

I was disappointed that we were not going out, but also because I had missed an opportunity to sit and chat with Mary.

Then yesterday I got violently ill. I assume food poisoning but G was fine so I am not sure what caused it. I called her to ask if she would come and pick up G from my place. After a moment she replied that N could not come. She did not explain why.

She contacted me again this morning to apologise. She explained that N still carries a grudge against me. She is unsure of her relationship with N, but feels trapped. He has already arranged to repay some of the money she stole and is now being pursued by a confiscation order. She obviously feels indebted to him, but she is no longer sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I told her that I still love her, that I would take her back. She didn't laugh at the notion, but she did say that we have a lot of issues and asked could we really overcome them.

I have mixed feelings on the matter.

On the one hand I am pleased that she is not 100% sure of her relationship with her toy boy. I am also pleased that she is at least thinking about me. If nothing else, she is taking me up on my offer to be there for her as a friend.

On the other hand, if I think about it logically, what do I now have to offer her? She wants to live in a nice house with all her dogs around her, and I cannot stand to have a house full of smelly, yapping mutts. She needs to repay over £12,000 that neither she nor I can afford.

I feel like my heart and mind are at war. My heart says I love her still and want nothing more than to bring her back into my life for good. My head says that I have no way of getting her out of her current mess and even if I did, we could not arrive at an arrangement that would suit both of us.

How did we fuck up our lives so badly?