Mary and I had lunch yesterday. For the first time in almost 6 months, we were alone together. We could talk. I woke up early yesterday morning, excited to be going to see her again, excited by the prospect that maybe, just maybe, she might be reconsidering her current relationship and wondering whether she and I should get back together again.
When we had finished our sandwiches and coffee, she announced that she still could not really trust me and that, if I were honest, I didn't trust her either. She said she and N trusted each other completely, and that he gave her butterflies in her stomach when she saw him. But that I no longer did. In other words, the purpose of meeting me yesterday was just to find out how she felt about me. And now she knew.
She said she was going to be completely honest with N from now on - he didn't like us talking so she has been keeping our conversations secret. She said that she was going to commit 100% to him and that there was no chance of us ever living together again. She saw me now as nothing more than a friend.
I feel like the rug has been whipped from under my feet again. I suddenly feel so incredibly lonely.
I value having her as a friend, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to be friends with someone I still regard as my wife, with whom I spent so many years deeply in love.
I want to wake up with someone again on a regular basis. I want to come home and say "Hi, honey, I'm home". I want to cook and eat dinner with someone, go to the movies with someone and spend lazy Sunday mornings making long slow love with someone I really care about.
But I have no-one. And I miss all that.
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