So many emotions

So many emotions. So many things to think about, to evaluate, to do.

Yesterday, I took G to visit a couple of new schools. In the unlikely event that he comes to stay with me, he will need to have a place available. Both said they could offer him a place, but need to see his academic record first. Surprisingly, he was not nearly as negative about the experience as I expected. He seemed quite happy with both schools but has already decided which one he prefers. Typically, it's not the one I prefer.

Talking of G, he is staying with N again this weekend. Bizarrely, Mary told N that she would not tell me about her imminent 're-assignment' and the cancellation of this weekends visiting privileges, so as far as N is concerned I still think they are going up to visit her. I hate being a part of someone else's subterfuge.

On a more positive note, I had another first date last night. This time with Becky. Based on her online profile and accompanying picture I had high hopes and was really looking forward to meeting her. We arranged to meet at an Italian restaurant in her home town, but as is becoming the norm, I was slightly disappointed when I first saw her. She is more overweight than her photo suggests, and she has cut her gorgeous long hair to above shoulder-length, and it continually gets in her face. But we had a lovely dinner and chatted continuously. We seem to have a few things in common. She is an uncomplicated person, which I like. I really like her as a person, I am just not as attracted to her as I would like to be.

After dinner, I walked her to her car and we hugged, then kissed. Then hugged and kissed some more until we were told to "Get a room!" by some passing revellers. It was obvious what we both wanted but her kids were at home. We finally parted with a tentative plan to meet again tonight. When I got home and texted her to say I had arrived, she replied that she felt guilty about not asking me back to her place, but for her kids sake as well as hers, she wants to give us (she and I) some time before we do that. I can understand and appreciate that. This morning, her texts are full of winks and little devil icons asking me what I want to do tonight. Hmmm, I wonder ;-)

I have feelings for a number of women now, but all in slightly different ways:

L is, I think, my best friend at the moment. She has frequently demonstrated that she is there for me when I need her, she understands me, is honest and straightforward and although we enjoy having sex, it's not the be-all-and-end-all of our relationship. If I started sleeping with someone else (Becky?) on a regular basis, I would not miss sleeping with L.

Mel is schizophrenic and I am hoping that this time she is serious about not contacting me again. Although I am attracted to her and would love to get her naked again, I no longer think we could have a future together. I hate being messed around more than anything else, and would rather not speak to her again.

Mary... ah yes, Mary... I just don't know. When I visited her the other day, I was convinced I wanted her back, and I think (although she hasn't said so) that a part of her is missing me too. If she wanted to come back to me I would take her back, but we would both have conditions that the other would not be happy with, so it's probably not going to happen. At least in the short term. Strangely, I suspect we will, at some point, have sex again. It will probably just be the result of mutual lust but I think it will happen. What that would do to our relationship is something I need to think about.

Becky is uppermost in my thoughts today for obvious reasons. I really like her, and want to be with her, to get to know her. I have always been able to see the attractive parts of women I meet, rather than the unattractive. In Becky's case, there is unfortunately not an awful lot to mention. She has a round face with a largish nose, thin lips, no waistline and I don't like her new hair style. I haven't seen her bum, boobs or legs, so can't comment about them yet. On the other hand, she is articulate, intelligent, amusing, down-to-earth, uncomplicated, honest and nice to talk to. While I am not (yet?) physically attracted to her, I think we could definitely have a relationship. I am just not sure about whether it's of the 'happily ever after' variety.

The first sexual encounter with someone is always the most exciting, if not always the most technically satisfying, and I am almost addicted to that feeling. I love sleeping with someone new - and it led to the break-up of my marriage if I am honest. I am craving being loved, if that makes sense. I want someone to want me, to love me, more than I want to love someone. I am trying hard (perhaps too hard) to get someone (anyone) to like me that way, to want me, to need me and perhaps to love me. I like the emotional and sexual security that brings. The difficult part is finding someone who likes, wants, needs and loves me, and who I feel the same about. I like Becky, I want her, but I don't need her, and I am not sure whether I will love her.

It's shallow I know, but the only way I would settle down with another woman is if I adored her physically as well as emotionally. I would need to worship her naked body, to love touching every inch of her, to miss her when we are apart, and be proud to walk down the street with her at my side.

I used to feel that way about Mary, and I want someone to make me stop missing her. Who else could fill her shoes?