Making up

We arranged to sit down and talk about it on Friday night, but after waiting for 4 hours because her niece was there, we finally went upstairs to her room. There we lay, fully clothed, and started to talk.

We started discussing the phone call with R on Monday, but when I tried to explain how I felt and the confusion I was experiencing, and read to her some of the texts she had sent, she got upset. She said she felt like she was on trial, and that I was producing evidence. Well, yeah, but only in my defence, m'lud! I told her that I was getting mixed signals and could not distinguish the truth from the banter in her messages. I apologised again, and asked where that left us.

She turned the question around and asked me what I wanted. I told her that I wanted what I had always wanted, but it wasn't the point. The point, I said, was what she really wanted from this relationship.

And then she got up, said she needed to relax and was going for a smoke!

I felt so angry! After waiting four hours to have the very conversation I had driven 25 miles to have, she thought it was more important to have a cigarette. I felt like this was unimportant to her, and that I was there for her amusement; that she was now thinking of what to say. I went downstairs, got my shoes on and left.

Yesterday morning I sent her a lengthy email explaining that I don't feel for her the way she feels for me. We again exchanged text messages, and she agreed (again) that she still wants me in her bed on a no-strings basis. Today, she is going on a date with someone else, so she has obviously decided that she can tolerate the relationship we have.

This is a roller-coaster relationship. I still like the sexual security, but am not attracted to her and don't love her. If and when either of us meets someone we want to get serious with, our relationship will revert to one of just friends. In the meantime, our sexual relationship will have to remain a secret from others we meet.