Jealousy

Jealousy comes in many forms and to varying degrees.

For instance, when L told me that she was going on a date with another guy, I was for half a second, slightly jealous. Partly because we had just spent the night in bed together. When she texted me that she was probably going to shag him soon, I felt that twinge again. But not for long. When I told her I was chatting with a lovely lady on msn, she admitted to feeling a little jealous. But she is still encouraging me to meet and date other women.

Last thing before we went to sleep last night - after talking for nearly two hours on the phone - she sent :

"I not too sure I want us to be with other people just yet."

"Oh!" I replied

"Sorry, I just like what we have. Feel we need to go with it, get it out of our system."

I didn't know how to respond to that. She has said that she does not want to sleep with more than one man at a time, and if she meets someone and takes him to bed, that's the end of our sexual relationship, although we both hope to remain friends. Now she seems to be saying that she would rather keep taking me to bed - at least for a while - rather than find someone else to take my place in her bed.

I am flattered, and it feels nice that she wants to keep me around. I call it 'sexual security' - having a shag available when you need one. But at the same time I don't want her to abandon the possibility of meeting that someone special who has whatever it is that I don't and makes her heart skip a beat.


On Saturday afternoon, Mary phoned me while G and N were still on their way back from visiting her. She has asked me to keep that conversation secret. N had apparently told her that a mysterious guy named John was constantly phoning him telling him that Mary was taking him for a ride, that she would leave him and go back to her husband - me. I was amazed. Partly because it wasn't me and I don't know who it could possibly be. N, she said, thinks that whoever it is, I put him up to it. But Mary knows that I wouldn't do anything like that. It's not my style.

My suspicion is that N has made up the entire thing. That his massive insecurity and jealousy has caused him to want Mary to see me in a bad light. It's upsetting her too, and that's not good.

These examples of the two extremes of jealousy are interesting, because I think jealousy is tied to love. The more you love someone the more vulnerable you are to being jealous. Because L and I do not love each other, we do not feel particularly jealous. But we do a bit. N is obviously madly in love with my dear estranged wife, and because he still sees me as a threat, exacerbated by the recent improvement in the tone of our conversations, his jealousy is now getting bigger and greener.

My selfish side hopes that this destroys their relationship; I just don't want him to win her heart at my expense - he's not worthy. But the part that still cares for Mary hopes that between them, they can sort it out. My concern is that she and I are naturally going to need to interact on a regular basis, and he won't like it. Every time she phones me or visits me, there is the chance that either he gets more jealous or prevents it from happening. Either way, it cannot help their relationship, or ours. Mary is going to be stuck in the middle and potentially, so is G, our son.

Jealousy helps no-one. N needs to remember that if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. And if you hold onto something too tightly, it will simply slip through your fingers