Introspection

The ending of a relationship is the perfect time for some introspection. It is almost obligatory. The end of my marriage did not have quite the same effect since it was, at least initially, very amicable and friendly. The end of my relationship with Mel, which, although it lasted only a month, was pretty intense, has however, sparked a need in me to think long and hard about myself.

How much of the failure of my relationships is my fault - honestly? What do I really want and need from a relationship at the moment?

Question - do you share with your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other the details of the complexities and intricacies of your life, or are those things yours to deal with on your own? My view is that, if you are in a relationship, you share your lives and the details matter. But Mel said to me yesterday that she didn't want to know about the letters I received from Mary or what was happening with her and N. Was I reading too much into our relationship? Was I getting too serious too quickly? Or was she just trying to isolate herself from life, and focus her concentration exclusively on her own problems?

After the phone conversation in which we broke up, she sent a text message saying she needed to return a couple of books I had lent her. She initially offered to post them to my work address, and then offered to meet during the week instead. I replied Okay, where and when? I received no response. It is obvious that she cannot make up her mind.

I miss her already actually. I switched my phone on as soon as I woke up just to see if there was a message. I miss having her touch me as she seemed so fond of doing. I miss kissing her neck which she so obviously enjoyed. I miss our kisses which were so passionate. And although we only did it three times, I really miss the sex. She made me happy for a while.

After having someone around me for so long, I am finding it hard going back to being alone. I like sharing with someone what happened in our days. I like to do ordinary things with someone while holding her hand. I like to cuddle someone from behind while she is cooking and caress her smooth thighs while cuddling in front of the tv. I am a tactile person.

I am feeling lonely today.