Irrational thoughts

Do I still love my ex-wife?

I can understand why she has not contacted me. First, she's probably embarrassed and ashamed of what she did. Then, she doesn't want to fight about anything again (not that I want to either), and third, she would not want her son to see her in there. It would make him really sad. He's in a blissful state of denial at the moment, and I don't really want to burst that particular bubble just yet.

But I have been wondering what will happen when she gets out. In what state of mind will she be when she's released? I am sure she will want to go back to living with N, but I can't help feeling that if I can get him to realise that he is better off without her, then she will have nowhere to turn but me. Her family is not particularly keen on welcoming her back with open arms, all of her friends have turned into enemies, she will not be able to get a decent job, and N cannot afford to keep her in the style to which she had, briefly, become accustomed.

Will she turn up at my door one day, with a 'Hi Honey, I'm home'? No, I didn't think so. But might she be open to persuasion, and would I want to persuade her?

After all we have been through, we don't really trust each other. N treats her better than I do (for now anyway), but she and I have a 12-year history together that cannot simply be erased from memory. If she was prepared to become a housewife and mother again, working to a strict budget, I might be prepared to take her back.

It's irrational of me I know, but I am feeling particularly lonely right now, and I just need her to be here.