Depression and Joy

What a couple of days!

After the emotional kick in the teeth that was yesterday, I once again had a raucous telephonic argument with Mary about money. She still insists that I have an obligation to my son (no argument there) and that I should be paying her child support.

Sorry, with what? The money she has took out of our joint account and spent on herself last month?

Nothing gets me so angry, frustrated, depressed or stressed as having my financial security threatened. With Mary wanting me to pay her money she knows I don't have, I could see the bailiffs banging on the door at any moment. I have, in the past, enjoyed a decent lifestyle, able to take holidays, buy furniture, computers, clothes and toys for my son. But in recent years, that hasn't been possible. My unemployed phase saw to that, but in my mind, at that moment Mary was driving a nail into the coffin of my future, and I saw red.

I got so frustrated that I smashed my closed left fist (the right one was holding the phone) into the wall in the lift foyer. The skin in split and the bones still ache, but it will be worse in the morning. I am having a little trouble typing this.

My depression was complete when, before we finished our conversation, my phone's battery died, and I was left drained and exhausted, my heart still hammering against my rib cage. When we argue like that, there is no end. The argument goes round in spirograph patterns, never reaching a conclusion because neither of us can afford to admit they're wrong. I went back to my desk and tried to work, but my mind simply was not in it. I went out for pasta and a glass of red wine at lunch with a colleague, and relaxed enough to get back and attend two audio-conferences.

Then the email arrived from S, saying that perhaps we could meet up on Friday. My spirits were immediately lifted. I am now excitedly looking forward to Friday, hoping that she can make the necessary arrangements.

I really like her. I like her more all the time. From our email conversations, it's obvious that we are both out of practice at this, but I am eager to at least find out what she's like in person.